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It was over before it ended

2007-11-09T09:33:00.000-08:00

this is like one of those relationships you knew was over long before you finally let go.

I have been waning with this blog ever since it was linked to the information on the XU scandal. I tried to re-organize and change the kind of writing I did in here, but now I find it's just easier - and more fufilling - to write in a password protected document on my laptop. I just can't be all over the internet anymore.

Stanley, since you're probably the only one reading this; don't worry - I know it's important to keep writing. And I'm doing just that, just not on here, not anymore.

So I tip my hat in farewell to blogger. I'm done with blogs.

Peace, y'all. I'm out.

Tired and Happy

2007-09-12T21:41:00.001-07:00

I couldn't write last night because Day 2 of TAW had me wondering how I was going to make it through a full week, let alone 2 more weeks after that. But, I even though I'm in class every day til 9, I don't regret the class because I love it :) First of all, Ogletree is amazing - an excellent lawyer, teacher, and presenter. Secondly, the judges, attorneys and professors working in the program are intelligent, insightful and fun. And I see in them many things that remind me why I came to law school and why I want to be a good lawyer.

It would've been MUCH easier to take this in the winter as I had originally planned. I could've focused on just TAW. Buuuut, Ogletree would not have been teaching it, and I would not have meet so many intelligent, beautiful black people! At Duke, I barely had any black teachers until I learned to seek them out. And certainly very very few who were black and female. Here at HLS we've got Lani Guinier. ....and that would be it. But the fall TAW staff is very diverse, and it does my spirit good to learn from people who look a little more like me. I feel much more connected to the course than I have in any other class since I've been here. *beams*

So, yea I'm exhausted. I come home late from TAW and do more work for TAW. I feel like I've been in two weeks worth of classes and it's only be 3 days. But I'm tired and happy. And that's a rarity here at hls.

TAW - Day 1

2007-09-10T19:07:00.000-07:00

You know people really respect you when they will sit in silence as you make a peanut butter and jelly sandwhich in front of the entire class without explanation.

I guess we all assumed our Prof. was going somewhere with it, and he did. He certainly took his time about it though. He told us that putting the pieces of a trial together is about as easy as making a peanut butter and jelly sandwhich, and then asked the class to re-tell all the steps he took to construct that sandwhich before the class. At the end of the demonstration he had two pieces of bread - literally pieces instead of a whole slice (much to the chagrin of the student who raised his hand to confidently volunteer the step "you took out two pieces of bread") - and a plate full of peanut butter and jelly. Nowhere in the vicinity of the courtroom was there anything even resembling a sandwhich of any kind. He wanted to demonstrate how hard it can be to tie a narrative together, even though it initially seems like it could be the easiest thing in the world. Ain't that always the way.

It certainly was harder for me than I expected, and I expected it to be hard. The attorney critiquing me said that I was "cold" and that I should try to be more "human" in my direct of my own witness.

Me? Cold? I cannot possibly even conceive that I have ever been cold to anyone in my entire life.

right...

I should keep a dream diary

2007-05-21T19:24:00.000-07:00

Every time I'm in the middle of some heavy work schedule, I have crazy crazy dreams. My first semester of law school during finals period, I had a nightmare about the Model Penal Code. The actual lines of the code were attacking and smothering me. I felt like I had to get it off of me! Mostly asleep, I got up out of my bed, tore all of my clothes off, and went back to sleep. Take that Penal Code! I felt 100% better. However, I was a little confused in the morning when I woke up naked.

This semester, before my Property final, I dreamt that we were under attack. Who's we? I have not a clue. But I'm pretty sure some people from my section were there. Who was attacking us? I can't even remember, but I do know that they sent hawks to carry out their evil plan. The bastards. I remember running through the street as people were snatched up by the giant birds. They were taken away - never to be seen again. That sounds like a dream I should analyze....

Anyway, I have barely left my house in almost a week. I eat incomplete meals. I can hardly carry on a conversation because I feel distracted and I can't focus on what I was saying. I don't sleep well, and random crap makes me laugh uncontrolably. Could this be love? No, I am working on the law review competition and am slightly delirious. (yes - law review - no caps. I did it on purpose. thanks.) And Saturday night I dreamt that footnote 18 was poisonous. Yes, poisonous, and if I touched footnote 18, I would become ill.

What's gonna happen when I grow up and have real work every day?

The Friendly Neighborhood Hobo has gotten too friendly

2007-05-04T10:52:00.000-07:00

Ok, it was nice at first to hear "Keep working hard, sister." and "How's your day been?" etc. But the other day my friendly neighborhood hobo (the one who's always outside of CVS) reached his arm out in what seemed like the offering of one of those one-arm-hugs, but evolved into an arm pat as I dodged out of his grasp.

I am not a hug-y person in general. My friends know that it took several months of pretty much daily exposure to them before I became comfortable with exchanging hugs. I am surely not up for a hug from the neighborhood hobo. wtf.

Just think what we could spread in 15!

2007-04-30T23:25:00.000-07:00

I am amazed the speed at which gossip travels! It's absolutely absurd, and completely hiliarious - so I must find a way to share my amusement. I have tracked the following events through the use of cell phone call logs and AIM time stamps provided by involved parties. Details will be omitted to protect the privacy of the few whose business hasn't already spread and evolved in form and shape like some exotic viral strain through the insane high-speed digital internet version of a gossip mill that is the Harvard Law School Drama Society. *gasps for air after the effort of typing such a long sentence*

*Note, John and Jill were the only ones that were at the party the night before*

1:51 PM
John IMs Jane details from a party that occured the night before. According to John, he mentioned it only conversationally and had no idea what would pass in the next 11 - count them - 11 minutes

Somewhere between 1:51 - 1:55 PM
Jane tells her roommates. Judy is a roommate, and Judy tells Jack. We know this because at exactly 1:55 PM, Jill gets a text message from Jack teasing her about the party.

1:55 - 2:02 PM
Jack and Jill then proceed to text back and forth until Jill figures out where the hell Jack was that he would've heard that information, and then, figuring out the link:

2:02 PM
Jill IMs John (in jest) saying he's got an amazingly huge mouth. John is confused until Jill tells him how it must've gone from John to Jane, from Jane to Judy, Judy to Jack and Jack to Jill then Jill went out to fetch a pail full of goodness only knows what - but certainly someone will be gossiping about the pail's contents very shortly.

I even overthink my problem of overthinking!

2007-04-30T22:57:00.000-07:00

Ok, I'm sad 1L year is ending - just a little - because I really like my new friends and I'm getting all nostalgic. Suddenly everything is nicer when it's almost over, and I have the luxury of feeling like I might miss being a 1L a little bit when I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. But, it's just that...it's just nice to be new. I read my entry from when I visited harvard and I went on about how it's nice to be somewhere where I don't already know an uncomfortable amount about people and they don't know too much about me; where I'm not tempted to give anyone second chances etc etc. But joining the drama society here automatically made me privy to a constant stream of TMI, and I'm not really down for second chances anymore anyway. I think I'm almost at the other extreme - and this is not a good thing - and I barely want to give people chances at all, let alone a second one. Anyway, it's weird that I'll be gone all summer though, b/c law school is so consuming and for a summer I'll be disconnected from it. I've been a little indecisive lately, which I don't think generally describes me and I don't know what's up with that. Maybe it's just that it feels like something big is coming to a close, and people always act stupid when they feel like something is almost over and they won't have to stick around and be accountable. But I also overthink things, so I'm going to try to just go with my instincts and do what I feel is best as it comes. It can't be that stupid if you go with how you really feel. Well, that's clearly false, but I'm going to stand by it anyway.

I think it would be interesting...

2007-04-24T22:44:00.000-07:00

...to have a day where I told everyone what I really thought of them. Generally, I pride myself on interacting with people in ways that show them how I really feel about them - I only warmly greet those who I feel warmly toward. I can show basic nice-ness to almost anybody, but that's just being polite. I do hate it though, when I have to be nice to someone I dislike, or someone who made me feel bad about myself. Being basically polite to someone I don't care one way or the other about is cool, but I really don't like having to pretend I like someone and I'm secretly thinking all kinds of negative things in their presence or right after they leave. It's rare; it only happens when I don't want someone to know they've hurt me. Joni Mitchell said 'now it's just another show; you leave them laughing when you go. And if you care, don't let it show - don't give yourself away." But why is it always the most important thing to make sure people think they didn't effect you?

A new chapter in this book called Law School...

2007-04-03T20:37:00.000-07:00

I do believe my section and I have turned a corner as law students. I heard about it all the time - how we'd come to stop stressing/caring so much about everything. I must say, it makes class more amusing. Yesterday in property the teacher asked a question that a whole row of students didn't know, and the students were pretty cool with the not knowing. No embarrassment, no fidgeting, just an honest "I don't know what you're looking for". One student even said - much to my enjoyment - "Mmm. Why, that's a good question" then made it clear that he didn't know. Another student was pressed on a different question and passed it off to someone just returning from the restroom - "why don't you ask Kyle". The teacher turned to Kyle and re-asked the question and Kyle replied with "Sir. I have only just emerged from the bathroom." Ha. That cracks me up even now. A friend of mine decided to just close his laptop and get up and walk out of Torts one day. Oh and then there was the time when the teacher went over time, and someone turned their laptop off. The "Shutting down" music of a windows operating system echoed through the classroom in defiant protest. Oh, *sigh*, I will miss my section.

Favorite Quotes

2007-04-02T21:06:00.000-07:00

Here are some of my favorite quotes of all time: I'm going to keep adding to them as I remember them.

On being at Harvard Law:
"Oh yeah, you're excited to get into Harvard now, but wait until the random bouts of uncontrolled crying begin."
"It's just like high school...except here it's cool to be really smart."

On things that just make me smile
"The thot plickens!"
"I hope it reminds you of your brother...tall...and skinnnayyyyyyyyyyyy!"
"He should've known you weren't going to Ti-Ti the party."
"Let's hit it!"
"Who told her that was okay?"
"Say your prayers. Tell Jesus I said goodnight." "...Jesus, Stan says goodnight..."

On private jokes:
"Two teas, please."
"If his mom's a whore, does that make a difference?"
"...There's an ATM in here. Why is there an ATM in here?"
"*Scoff* One doesn't give God His blessing back."
"Imagine your dog eating ___'s cat. No mediation. And that statute's not good law anymore."
"I think it's a little more about the Crazy, and less about the spandex."

On catch phrases:
"Mistakes were made."
"Dead to me." (As in, 'where's such-in-such', 'I don't know. dead to me.')
"Really?"
"Dicta!"

On hitting the sauce:
"I woke up on my futon with no pants on, tangled up in a blanket."
"This morning was like Memento; your name is ___, you have a meeting at noon."
"Thank you for making sure I got home last night. I'm sorry for trying to snatch away from you and run across the street."

On (amusingly) ignorant comments: (disclaimer: none of these were said by me!)
"This is a birthday dinner and you're in a t-shirt."
"I got my white man back! I got my white man back!"
"There should be a code. If you give someone a black rose and a nickel, it means 'i don't like you'" (why's it gotta be black?)

On funny dialogue
A: Guess who's working at my firm this summer.
B: Jebus?
A: No, he's at the L.A. office.
B: He would.
~~~~~~~~~

A: I don't lie.
A: I omit.

On ridiculousness from class
"The country will be run by who??" "Big brother" "Oh. ...I thought she said Peanut Butter."
"...there are jurisdictions where they do do that kind of thing...." "Hee. She said 'doo-doo'"
"Sir, I only just emerged from the bathroom."

On dating/relationships:

"The Crazy could take ten years to come out."
"I would rather be an average-looking person who managed to cadge someone's affections than a hypothetically attractive one who spends each night alone for eternity."
"...It's amazing anyone ever gets together."
"If I stay in bed, I won't meet anyone I can eventually have sex with."
"You think it (love) happens all the time because you see it all around you. But really it's quite rare." *takes a sip of her drink*
"I'm no one's 'one-of-many'; I am always the main event."
"You're like the force that bends the other things around it out of their normal shape."
"It's like in crim - you have to interpret what he says thorugh the eyes of the reasonable, crazy person."
"Some people do things to distract themselves til 'the one' comes along. Some can't settle for anything less."
"Well, what is a 'nice guy'? A 'nice' guy just means they're charming. That's their thing they're good at; charm. It doesn't mean they have any kind of relationship skills."
"No, we can't be friends after he caused me all that trouble; that's like holding onto your Civil Procedure book for leisure reading."

On being hurt:
"It's hard to let go of hope when you let yourself hope so rarely."
"Be gentle with yourself." (Mama tells me this when I call her and I'm sad. 'Just relax today; be gentle with yourself.')
"All rocks cry sometimes; even rocks take a break and hum spirituals."

On getting over it:
"At the time, I thought it all happened because he's not the one. As opposed to he's not the one because of what happened. You know?"
"You have to stand like Jesus! Vulnerable to the world. Even when people stab you."
"...she decided to become
a woman
and even though
he refused to be a man,
she decided it was
all right."

On growing up
"You did a serious 'ugly duckling', Audrey. You should go on Oprah or something." - My brother
"When you're deciding what to do, 'don't just look for what the world needs. Do what makes you come alive - because the world needs people who are alive.'"

On friendship
"*Sigh* I wish she would stop flirting with him, because if his girlfriend notices and tries to fight her we'll have to have her back while we're in public. But when we get home, I'd be like 'what's wrong with you?!?'"
"I hope you're proud of me, Stan." "I am always proud of you."

'Irrational' is not a dirty word

2007-03-31T23:05:00.000-07:00

I am artistic. I am one of those people. I can't paint, and I'm not a dancer. But some of my happiest moments are witnessing the creation or performance of those mediums of art. I'm one of those sit-on-the-beach-and-watch-the-sunset-and-then-write-a-poem-about-it kinda people. I love reading beautiful words that capture how some experience made me feel. Music makes me feel like I'm flying, and if I can contribute to its creation with my voice - oh wow, I am a happy girl.

I feel intensely; I sometimes cry thinking about things that didn't even happen to me. Just thinking about a story my mom told me from when she was younger, or something hurtful that happened to a friend can make me very sad. I've watched documentaries and broken down crying in public. *sigh* I really don't like crying in public.... But what can I do? It's who I am. But I can also take a walk some days when even something small has made me happy - sometimes just the fact that I bought myself some especially beautiful lilies - and feel like the sun is shining just for me. I might be thinking of something a friend said recently, or a conversation with mom and laugh out loud in sheer pleasure. Strangers may think I'm crazy. But what can I do? It's who I am. I have pain, and I feel it; I can't pretend and make it go away. I have happiness and I can feel it shooting out of every pore. I have moments of stillness and reflection, too. Yeah it sucks to hurt so deeply when I'm hurt, but it makes the other side of those tears so much sweeter once I've come through it. I embarrass myself sometimes by how I allow myself to be hurt by people and things in my life, but I'm forgiving myself of that. It only makes it harder not to accept who I am. I'm going to be wrong about people sometimes, but I can't blame myself for wanting to believe in someone I liked or cared about. I've learned from those experiences, and all I can do is not allow myself to be treated badly once I am aware - but I can't start to think that I can pre-empt every potential hurt. I can’t; I'm going to get hurt sometimes. I am not happy about this realization, but trying constantly to protect myself from it is exhausting - and ineffective! The important thing is to keep moving forward, and to keep taking a chance on people sometimes. I'm going to feel sad about things - our environment, society, my place in this world - and I'm going to tear up in the grocery store sometimes because that is who I am. It is not rational. I wouldn't want to always be; the most beautiful things in this world are driven by irrational emotions. Loving someone isn't rational. Who in their right mind would let themselves be completely vulnerable to another human being knowing how imperfect we all are? If we reasoned out everything in our minimal capacity as human beings to understand, there would be no room for faith. Faith in other people, faith in God, faith in ourselves. If I wanted to rely on statistics and logic, a black girl raised in a single-parent home in Chicago wouldn't be where I am. But God brought me nonetheless. It wasn't logic that made my mom make a way to take care of my brother and me by herself, finish her graduate degree and still make time to take us to museums and read to us at night. Honestly, I can't find a logical reason for how she was actually able to do that. And furthermore, I can't find the logic in her trying. She tried to do the logically impossible, but make it a possible and definite reality anyway. Trust isn't rational. Not when you've been betrayed and hurt repeatedly. But you can't stop trusting everyone.

I'm going to let myself see a cookie and laugh because of the joke I have with Stan that just popped into my head, and I'll laugh until my cheeks hurt if I feel it. I'm going to let myself sit at my desk and cry for whoever it is that has touched me that night, and I'll even give myself permission to cry just for me. And I'll let myself feel every quiet moment in between where I just watch the snow fall outside my window and feel the warmth of my blanket. Because when I decide I want to live my life to its fullest, I've already accepted that I can't always be rational. And that's just fine by me.

On Instincts

2007-03-28T22:55:00.000-07:00

The other morning I woke up to a loud, rhythmic bed-creaking sound coming through the wall from my neighbor's apartment. It was not the first time. Glancing at the clock, I noticed that it was 7 am. My instinct was to yell loudly "I can hear you having sex!" repeatedly and bang on the wall like a crazy person until they stopped. But I quickly realized that would only make me look ridiculous, and make our exchanges by the mailboxes awkward and uncomfortable. Plus it would've really hurt my hand.

Sometimes you can't go with your instincts.

While it was clear to me that I shouldn't make things worse by screaming through my bedroom wall, it's not always so easy to know what's a good instinct and what's not. In the past, I have had a lot of trouble when it came to this and friendships. But now, through a combination of holding back in my friendships at first (yay for building walls!), and actually having a few good people who I can really bare my soul to, I have learned how to let friendships form or pass away depending on how life works out. But romantic relationships are different. I've never had a good one, so it's not like friendship where I can say "This is what a good friendship looks like" and act accordingly. I have no frame of reference. And while I've grown when it comes to being able to trust people as friends, I'm still pretty wary of guys, which makes it even harder to trust my instincts with them. Because with them it comes down to the question of whether it's truly instinct, or just fear.

Every time something has gone wrong with a guy in the past 6 years, I've felt like I saw it coming. I had a dream the night before I discovered my ex cheated on me. I guess God was like, '*Sigh* It's time for you to know. You're not going to find out any other way *shakes head*. So I'm just going to spell it out for you'. Other times were more subtle. It was just a pause in a conversation, or a tone of voice, or an excuse that could have been completely valid that just didn't sit right. Or a pat-hug. HA. (I hate pat-hugs) Friends would tell me I was 'Girling'; stressing too hard about nothing. But then it happened. Herein lies the problem. I kinda have a sense when it's about to go down.

But I wonder…do I really?? I am constantly aware of the potential for disaster when I date a guy these days. Even if nothing is wrong yet. It drives my friends crazy, but what can I say? The last time I wasn't constantly aware was in my college relationship and whoooooa did that teach me a lesson. And my experiences since then have affirmed that you have to be prepared; don’t be surprised at what's coming out of nowhere. I know now that no matter WHAT's happening right now - no matter how cute the email or text is that I just got, or how much we laughed or marveled at *gasp* how much we have in common, or how sincere his eyes seemed when I looked up at him and smiled - tomorrow it could all be different. My friends ask if I have plans for the weekend, and I can't just say 'yeah'; it's 'yea. unless he doesn't call' or 'yea, if we're still dating' or 'yea...if he's still interested' and they think that I am ridiculous. They ask, 'what about you, what about if you're still interested'. I say, I'm steady. I know who I like, who I don't like. And if I don't know, I'm figuring it out pretty fast. And I realize that my desire to take things slow is not so much so I can figure out what I want, as much as it is for me to figure out if the other person is crazy. I expect the Crazy to come out at any moment. And I want to be as far away emotionally as possible when it does. My friends marvel at how I can go around thinking that so much could change in just a day. And on the occasions where a friend has been able to get me to think that maybe I am just stressing unnecessarily and being silly….I give it 48 hours. Tops. Then I have to call them to share the newest let-down news of the un-dateable guy who was merely dressing up and playing the role of someone I could actually like, and they don't know what to say. I mumble ‘…see? …I called it…’ through my disappointment. The sad part is it doesn't make it feel any better to have been right. But adding a caveat to every answer to any question about the guy I'm dating/seeing so that I can't ever say "Yes. I have a lunch date tomorrow. Tomorrow at 1pm, I will be at lunch." ...doesn't sound like instinct. Sounds like fear. But what do you call fear...when it keeps coming true?

Spring Break '07: My Apartment

2007-03-23T23:17:00.000-07:00

I cannot believe it's almost April and my 1L year is almost over. I've decided to use this break to try and get a balance of rest and work. I've given myself allllll weekend to do nothing but sit in my apartment and eat, watch movies, take the occaisional walk when it's decent outside etc. No work. It's only been a day and a half (no Friday classes! yay!) and already I feel better. Between that link to the website with all the scrubs episodes from every season, sex and the city and movies on demand, and quickly diminshing reserves of ice cream, I am having a great time. When the weekend is over I might have to make a trip to the gym because right now I reek of sloth, but I deserve a break. I think I will also use this time to write a little, because I don't feel as if I really wrote enough in here during my 1L year and now it's almost over. I'm surprised to feel sadness at writing that line. How long ago was it when I was considering leaving law school for a year and teaching English in some random country?

Currently I am watching Batman Begins and wondering how in the world it is that Christian Bale got so hot. Quickly my mind thinks to the statistical probability of ever encountering a man like that in real life.

Anyway, I feel that I should write something about Parody since it took up so much of my life this past month. It was great. I think I showed my legs more during the run of the show than I have in the last 17 years of my life (I think it was at approximately 7 that I got shame.) The short of it is that I survived. And now random people come up to me around the law school and tell me how incredibly long my legs are. I usually replace 'incredibly' with 'ridiculously' when I think about them, but it's nice that I took a risk and no one mocked me openly lol. I suppose they (the legs) are not so bad.

Ok, enough for now. Christian's doing push-ups.

24

2007-02-25T16:50:00.000-08:00

I am now as old as there are hours in a day. What does that mean? I hope 24 means a lot of things. I hope my "24" poem comes true (the one I shared with a few people), and this year I'll have more discernment. (Something one can always have more of) I hope it means a year of finally being able to help my family and of finally having more secure finances. I hope it means really knowing what to be thankful for, and continuing on my journey to be true to myself, to be good to myself, to share my time with loving, positive people. I hope it means letting go of my nonsense, and everyone else's. And knowing how to do these things without becoming cold. But, if I start to, I look forward to many warm hugs from family and friends, and many sweet serenades from my niece to thaw me out:)

It was a great birthday. I felt very loved.

Ain't Gotta Lie to Kick It

2007-02-06T23:38:00.000-08:00

In high school, my best friend and I quoted that one all the time.

I re-read a few of my old posts tonight, and I found this passage. Still rings true :)

"....The Player, the Genuinely-Good Guy, and the Good-Confused Guy. The player usually just puts it out there right from the start; I'm not about trying to have a serious relationship, I'm just trying to have a good time, etc. The Genuinely-Good Guy is the one that gets over-looked. Think about the cute, fun, funny and pretty much all around great guy that you know that you just don't want even though you can't articulate why. The Good-Confused Guy, however, is a good guy at heart, but he is - as the name implies - confused. He is unclear about what he wants - a relationship or dating, distance or no distance, you or someone else, etc. This guy is the most dangerous because, since he's a good guy, you feel safe with him; you don't expect a good person to hurt you for no clear reason. Also, this guy, since there's good in him, makes you hold out hope that you wouldn't hold out for a 'player'; he'll get over his confusion, he'll [stop sending mixed signals] etc. The fact of the matter is that you never know what a confused good guy is going to do." Because they don't even know.

The problem is sometimes you don't even know you're dealing w/ a confused one. Especially if you're confused yourself. And sometimes The Player pretends to be Good just to throw you off.

So what's the solution? The Genuinely Good guy? Ha, no. Go for the obvious player. He knows he ain't gotta lie to kick it. You know exactly what to expect ;-)

WELL. I'M HAPPY I ENTERTAIN YOU.

2006-11-30T00:12:00.000-08:00

No...really, I am! Is it strange that twice in the last week I've been at a big dinner (one was Thanksgiving dinner, one was a dinner at a friend's house earlier tonight) where at some point, everyone demanded I sing? When I was younger I got really nervous about it but I guess I don't really have a problem with singing for people anymore; I really will sing on request. Why should I not? I love to sing. My only stipulation is not to sing on request when I feel it would be obnoxious. For example, a new friend requested a song while we were in the Hark (basically HLS's student center - cafeteria, study areas, mailboxes etc) and I declined b/c no one likes that person who would have said yes and starting singing and interrupting everyone in the room. I'm already bad enough about drifting off into Audrey-land and singing in public sometimes without thinking. (I keep getting caught singing in the elevator when the doors open and someone is unexpectedly standing there. I wonder what my neighbors think of me when I'm like 'O MIO BABBINO CARO, MI PI-ohgod! um. Ahem. ......Good Morning.') My thing with singing at the dinners was that I felt kind of as though it was unfair of me to demand everyone's attention. We're all just hanging out drinking wine and then suddenly I'm supposed to stand at the front of the room and everybody's supposed to pay attention to Audrey. I no longer feel nervous about my voice. I sing in the tunnels here all of the time. (Underground tunnels that go from building to bulding in the law school) I do feel nervous about demanding everyone's attention, like there's probably that one person who would was really enjoying the conversation they were having before I ruined it and started singing art songs. But, my friend's mom was here from Korea and made us all such a lovely dinner, so I said I would sing for her as thanks.

Afterwards, someone asked me if I could do either, sing for a living successfully or be a lawyer, which would I choose? And I answered honestly that I would sing. Because it's true. I don't think I've loved anything I've ever done as much as I love the music I've helped to create or perform. We then spent about half an hour with them trying to convince me that I should pursue it. They all looked like they so earnestly believed I could do it, which is sweet. But it honestly always kind of hurts to hear it...because I really wish I could. And I would if I thought I could make it. Maybe the reason I'm hesistant to sing is not beause I feel guilty when everyone is paying attention; maybe it's just that I fear this very conversation will follow, and I'll have to play the part of dream-crusher to my own dreams and say it's not realistic when I really wish it were.

Wow...has it really been that long?

2006-09-17T13:32:00.000-07:00

Well in my last post I was raving about Harvard and not-dating...and while one may expect me to have a dramatically different mind-set 5 months and a ton of new experiences later, I suppose the old adage 'the more things change, the more they stay the same' is rather applicable. Although maybe that saying is too simplistic; things definitely do seem to be changing and not staying the same. It's barely been two weeks since orientation and I'm still getting a feel for the place but there are already things I've been disappointed by, and already things that are surprisingly better than I expected. I'm also realizing how much I've changed since college, since being in a brand new place against a new backdrop of people can kind of make you realize those sorts of things. Well, I'm being uber-irresponsible writing this while I should be writing a Memo for Legal Writing, so I will stop there for now - unfortunately not really conveying anything substantial - and leave with the promise of more once I get a chance to catch my breath (which will hopefully be before next summer).

Scrap That

2006-04-16T21:09:00.000-07:00

After my weekend away at Harvard, I decided not to write about the other stuff that was bothering me before I left. Being away gave me a breath of fresh air. Tons of new people who I don't already know an uncomfortably large amount of information about, and tons of new people who don't already know an uncomfortably large amount of information about me. A time where I can start off making fresh decisions, where there's no one around me to tempt me into giving second chances, where I can assume the best about people, and everyone has the potential to be a new wonderful addition to my life. (and I can potentially add great things to theirs). So while I did have to talk about the Lacrosse mess with more people then I would've wanted to (because they put your undergraduate institution under your name on your ID cards....ugh), I still had a wonderful wonderful wonderful weekend. I loved being whisked around to meet new important people. I loved the faculty, administration and current students all pulling out all the stops to make me feel welcome and important. I love looking for a new place to live (although gooooodnesss graaaacious I'm going to miss living with Stanley). I love exploring a new city. I love making new friends and sitting up til 2 and 3 in the morning talking with new girlfriends about important stuff like careers and professors and silly stuff like dating and chuckling about the nerdy Harvard guys! And even though a TON of people there were married, (lol, to the point where, on the tour they took us on, someone came to me and said 'are you here alone?'), it all just made me smile because everyone there was so friendly and interesting that it made me feel more special than any guy has for, oh the past 5, 6 years. But I wasn't sad to leave because 1) I have great friends here too that I love and 2) I know it won't be too long before I get to go back :-D

Harvard, you sure know how to show a girl a good time.
You put my last 3 dates to shame.

My Desiderata

2006-02-25T02:35:00.000-08:00

My Dictionary.com Word of The Day (yes. I get a word of the day in my email. Read: Nerd) was recently Desiderata. Actually, it was Desideratum (to quote dictionary.com - Something desired or considered necessary. Desideratum is from Latin desideratum, "a thing desired," from desiderare, "to desire.") but I’ve always liked the plural better. It makes me think of my desires and desired things. Plural. So I don’t have to choose just one.

Okay, so maybe I don’t want to choose one, but, lately, I've been thinking I should at least narrow it down a little bit. It's fun to pursue my desires, but I need to prioritize them - for real. I'm starting my second job this Sunday, and I have to teach FOUR HOUR LONG lsat classes (sometimes four and a half) twice a week - so very soon it will be time to stop the bullsh*t-late-night-stayin-up-for-no-reason. Not to mention, it's go-time on Financial Aid for HLS and I need to start making trips up to Cambridge to look for a place to live. I've gotta figure out what I'm doing for health insurance for the next three years, I've gotta defer my undergraduate loans, I need to save to pay my Student Contribution this fall and secure loans for the rest of it. These are things that I really haven't been paying enough attention to because I've been taking for granted how much time I have left to do them....But I can't live all my last moments here in Durham in preparation for leaving. And I want to travel - my best friend and I want to take a cruise; I want to visit friends in London this summer; I've been meaning to make road trips to ATL to chill with some of my girls from college. I want to meet new people and go new places (like I'll be doing in the fall) and have fun but at the same time I want to enjoy every moment of the familiar because soon I'll be dealing with so much of the unknown. I know I sound like a college senior....but it's true when they say a year really isn't that long and that it sneaks up on you. There's more I wanted to do in this time off. But, I must remember two lessons from the end of undergrad: First, this year is over - but, praise God, my LIFE isn't. People started doing crazy, stupid stuff at the end of senior year like "I’ve got to. It's my last chance to (insert foolishness here)." Seize the day, yes, but there's no need for me to act like life is ending. God willing, I'll be able to take that latin dance class, or take voice lessons, later if I still want to. Second, it's extremely difficult, if not impossible, to find the time to do Everything on a list of Everything I Wanted To Do Before I Leave when I'm given such a limited period of time. The trick I learned from last year is not to feel like I've failed because I can't check everything off of that list of 'what I planned to fill my time with this year', but rather just to make sure that what I actually end up filling my time with are things that I sincerely enjoy....
That, or filling out the FAFSA - cuz I really need to get that shit done.

February 14th 2006

2006-02-14T14:58:00.000-08:00

So I'm riding on the highway around noon Feb 14th, today, Valentine's Day - for which I have no actual romantic plans, but it's cool cuz I'm thinking about all the errands I have to run before the clock strikes 5 and I'm not really thinking about Singles Awareness Day to any real degree, but nevertheless, definitely not enjoying all of the incessant reminders on the radio, in the grocery store, etc. And I'm behind one of those tow trucks towing another truck - you know, the ones that you always ride behind and look at kind of warily and think 'is this safe?' as the truck being towed sways dangerously each time the tow truck hits a pothole or some other road obstruction, but you figure, these trucks are allowed on the road all the time, so it must be alright. Well, this particular tow truck was driving too slowly for this already-rushing-sister so I put on the left turn signal, and changed lanes and the instant - the INSTANT I did - before I was even completely out of the lane - I watched a big blue tarp fly off the back of the truck being towed, and dance defiantly off to my right (after quickly shaking itself free of the obviously insubstantial strings and rope that were tying it down), followed immediately by a huge tire speeding, with reckless abandon, toward the exact position where my windshield had just been. And I thought to myself at once, Today is going to be a Wonderful Day.

Because it's always a wonderful day when you avoid having a tire fly through your windshield at 60 mph, and dodge a big blue tarp that's anxious to eradicate any hope of a clear view of the highway that you're driving down with no seatbelt on - silly girl.

And, on the more serious side, it reminded me that my Lord is always looking out for me and thinking of me. Which is always wonderful, but especially good to know today. It was like it was His way of dialing me up and saying 'just thinking of you' and wishing me a Happy Valentine’s Day, like a loving Father does. When asked by a friend of mine a week or so ago what I’d want if I could have anything for Valentine’s Day, I responded “To be thought of” and I think I got my wish.

so now I'm in a good enough mood to say it -
Happy Valentine's Day, Everyone:-)

I lied, i read 3 blogs

2006-01-23T13:59:00.000-08:00

I read my ex's every now and then. But I read it so infrequently that I forgot about it when I was mentioning blogs I read. Speaking of him, guys, and relationships (including friendships) in general, I thought about the fact that I've had a lot of, as Alberto put it, 'valleys' in that department over the last 5 years. College is hills and valleys, and I, admittedly had my share of valleys. It's easy to feel a little jaded after all of that. As I sat thinking about this in French class today I realized the solution to the problem of becoming jaded; think only in French. Being as I just started french as a new language back in july (before that I'd been in Spanish since junior high) I don't yet know any conditional or past tenses. Currently, I can only really convey what I'm doing right now, what I'm going to do, or what I wish to do in the future. I have no words for the past and no words for could've, should've or would've. Sounds good to me.

A new theory

2006-01-22T22:58:00.000-08:00

I've got this new theory that I'm still trying to flesh out completely, but the gist is that, just like one goes through stages on the way to acceptance of a loss (denial, anger, etc), there are stages one goes through after being rejected.

The most immediate one, for me at least, is Relief. At least you know and don't have to waste time or energy on someone who's not interested - and you can go on to find someone else, or at least not worry about it anymore. However, this feeling is short lived (for the moment) and is quickly overcome by feelings of Embarrassment. It can last a long time for some, but the more fortunate of us are able to rid ourselves of it with just a night's rest (and the most fortunate of us have teddy bears that provide immeasurable comfort and support).

Another stage, one that can easily overlap with the Embarrassment Stage, is Sadness. Mixed in with those feelings of wanting to hide under your pillow (so you don't have to remember that awkward look on someone's face, or think about how uncomfortable that conversation just was, etc.) can also be a sadness that mourns the loss of whatever you imagined could have happened had your interest been returned. This stage can be mitigated by finding out early on if someone's not interested before you get too far along emotionally. It's pretty logical, actually. It's human nature for feelings to increase over time, so if you wait a year there's going to be a much more difficult Sadness stage because you have a lot more hopes to mourn the loss of. I've become of a fan of getting it out of the way earlier on - mostly because I don't like spending that kind of energy on anyone who's not spending it on me, but also because the Sadness stage can be the hardest one to get through so whatever option shortens that stage for me is most desirable. A warning, however; embarrassment is no picnic. And shorten the length of life on 'sadness' and expect to feel the embarrassment more keenly since there's nothing else to distract you in that stage from what you've just done (but again, if you have a bear named marshmallow - you'll be fine.)

The next stage is all about holding on to that embarrassment and dragging it around with you and into social situations. You guessed it - Awkwardness. Good news (and bad news, in a way) about this one, though - it is what you make of it. You can dwell in it as long as you let yourself, or choose to feel empowered by the fact that you took a shot and (hopefully) handled the situation and subsequent rejection with grace and let the embarrassment go. It seems like a lot crappy stages and feelings to go through but, in the final stage, you get to genuinely fill yourself with the air of relief that you only got a quick breath of before all the shit went down. It's there, trust me, it comes. And if you keep a perspective, you can actually surprise yourself and find yourself back at relief as soon as you'd hoped ('cause everyone hopes for a speedy recovery.)

And so I set out to see if there's a better way to handle these kinds of things then (as I would've done as little as a year ago) to just spend months and months hoping they notice that you tried to look especially pretty for them and said witty things in their presence. (i mean, who has the patience for that?) And I submit to you all that there is a better way. Recognize that your affections are valuable, and find out if the person you want to share it with wants to share theirs with you. Giving away affection to someone who may not be interested is draining - so find out if the person wants to value your valuables and, if not, find someone else who does. Come on LMK, I'm talking to you!

And on an unrelated note - I love Lola and the fact that all of the affections I give to her she returns. Knowing her has been so rewarding - especially tonight.

Survey's make me happy

2006-01-17T09:29:00.000-08:00

...but I only read two people's blog's and Stanley never does survey's really so guess who I stole this from...

So I'm super late on this cuz the new year was weeks ago, but, hey, I've been busy

1. What did you do in 2005 that you'd never done before? Lived alone all summer - practically in complete isolation because I didn't really have friends nearby. I'd go days without seeing anybody, sometimes weeks without seeing anybody except the people at work. At least I know I can handle it next year
2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year? ...so much happened in 2005 I can't even remember where my mind was at on New Years last year. I think I just wanted to be sure I got into law school...
3. Did anyone close to you give birth? I have a baby niece - although she was born nov. 1 2004 (pretty close)
4. Did anyone close to you die? My great-grandmother
5. What countries did you visit? Single-land. Just after the New Year, I was single for the first time in almost 3 years...fabulous.
6. What would you like to have in 2006 that you lacked in 2005? Money. I had great friends, academics went well, and, with that break-up, I recovered a lot of self-respect - so I'd have to say money not for frivilous stuff - I mean, can I pay my rent and car note?
7. What date (day) from 2005 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? A lot of dates will be etched in my mind from 2005. Among them: Graduation - May 15th. The day I got into Georgetown because it was the first letter I got so I was like "Yaaaaay! Someone wants me!" The day I got accepted into Harvard, cuz I was like "WHooooaaaaa!" The day I got the part of Aldonza because it is my first lead (and I wanted it BAD). I'd been listening to the music and planning my audition since the summer, lol. And there are a lot of people that I met in 2005 - the memory of those first encounters won't soon be forgotten.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Leaving a relationship, graduating, and getting into Harvard law, dealing with it and being over it. (multiple 'its')
9. What was your biggest failure? I guess if I picked a failure it'd be waiting too long to do some things I should've done sooner. But I'm mostly just glad they got done.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury? Nope, Praise God
11. What was the best thing you bought? a bed
12. Whose behavior merited celebration? My family, my friends
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? the american government, my "friends"
14. Where did most of your money go? food
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? Law school, graduating, Lola
16. What songs will always remind you of 2005? Sunday Morning - Maroon 5, Clarity - John Mayer, Debussy - Clair de Lune
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? happier
ii. thinner or fatter? a little thinner
iii. richer or poorer? same
18. What do you wish you'd done more of? more writing
19. What do you wish you'd done less of? doubting myself
20. What are you glad you did more of in 2005? meeting new people, trying new things
21. How will you be spending Christmas? I spent it with my family. And for the first time in years, my brother and my two cousins (like brothers), and I were all in the same room together. All so much older (and so much taller - Bobby's shockingly tall!), all doing so much with our lives, but still so much love for each other.
22. Did you fall in love in 2005? I fell out of it. but I think I had really fallen out of it long before that - sometimes it just takes a little while to realize that kind of thing.
23. What was your favorite TV program? Sex and the City
24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? I don't hate anyone. Not even my father.
25. What was the best book you read? Your Blues Ain't Like Mine
26. What was your greatest musical discovery? I guess John Mayer - "Heavier Things" was on heavy rotation.
27. What did you want and get? Aldonza, great new friends, Law School!
28. What did you want and not get? Stuff I probably didn't need anyway
29. What was your favorite film of this year? Amelie. I know it came out awhile ago, but I didn't see it til this year.
30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I went to work at Lakewood Elementary and got birthday cards from all the sweet and beautiful little kids I worked with. I got dressed up and went out to dinner with friends at the Wa Duke (Owen Wilson sat at the table next to me). And then I went by House and had cake with HnH. I was 22. Much better b-day than 21.
31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?well...I could've had more money. Every thing else I'm pretty satisfied with.
32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2005? In 2005 I solidified my love of earrings!
33. What kept you sane? my Lord, Stan, Man of La Mancha (but it also drove me crazy a little bit. good outweighs the bad, though.) my friends, my new friends, mama, my little niece. Knowing I have a future. And everyone who keeps me laughing.
34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? Mos Def's so fine...but so's Adrien Brody (I don't care what anybody says.)
35. What political issue stirred you the most? The Patriot Act, this War, Barbara Bush going down to New Orleans and saying, Well these people never had much anyway. The former secretary of education saying if you wanted to reduce crime he knows for a fact you could reduce it if you "abort all the black babies" then adding "of course that would be morally reprehensible - BUT it would lower the crime rate." And then the people who argued that it was taken out of context.
36. Who did you miss? my friends after graduation
37. Who was the best new person you met? I'm blessed to have met a good many wonderful new people
38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2005: Independence. Serious independence.
39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year: "And airports see it all the time. Where someone's last goodbye blends in with someone sigh cause someone's coming home, in hand a single rose. And that's the way this wheel keeps working now, that's the way this wheel keeps working now. And he won't be the last, no he won't be the last to love me. You can't build a house of leaves, And live like it's an evergreen. It's just a season thing. It's just this thing the seasons do. And that's the way this wheel keeps working now, that's the way this wheel keeps working now. And you won't be the first, no you won't be the first to love me....I believe that my life's gonna see the love I give returned to me."
40. What will you be doing to ring in 2006? I spent it with family

For the first time...

2006-01-13T00:09:00.000-08:00

Here's something I've noticed in the past few weeks: for the first time in my life, I look in the mirror and although I see the flaws, I wouldn't want to look like anyone else but me. Gone are the days of high school where I would try to make it through the school day without looking at a mirror so I wouldn't have to feel bad about myself. I like looking like I do now (granted, I look rather different from how I looked when I was younger...my brother says I did a "serious 'ugly duckling'" but still, it's easy to find reasons not to feel good about yourself). I like the shape of my eyes and how dark they are. I like my smile, my high waist-line, my long legs (and short torso - as much as it all used to bother me) I'm learning to appreciate my height. These are things that had to grow on me. It sometimes upset me (and still gets to me every now and thing, but much less so) to enter a room and have to stand so high above everyone. To go places and never be able to move about unnoticed because of how my height made me stick out. Yeah it's cool sometimes to make an entrance and have everyone looking your way if you're having a great day and feeling/looking like a million bucks. But what about when you only got 3 hours of sleep so you could finish that 20 page paper? What about when you're sad and having one of those moments where all you want to do is just get through your activities without bursting into tears? But I've realized it just means I have to be more sure of myself, more in control of myself, less self-conscious. And those are all good things. And instead of obsessing over flaws that are long gone (except for in my own head - sometimes things change and it takes awhile for your mind to catch up. I looked in the mirror and saw ugly duckling long after people were insisting they saw a swan.) or obsessing over flaws that I can't do anything about but live with, I just appreciate the over-all person. I shouldn't be afraid to be me, to walk into a room - all 5'11'' of me (6 ft with shoes on) - smile with confidence, and speak with self-assuredness. I'm not perfect; I shouldn't have to be. And I shouldn't beat myself up for not being born with this feature or that feature (or that cup-size). To quote "The Artist Formerly Known as Prince" back when he was known as Prince:

"It's the kind of beauty
That's got no reason to ever be shy
'Cause, honey, it's the kind of beauty
The kind that comes from inside..."
("The Most Beautiful Girl in the World" - what you know about that 90s music?)

Stolen from Rob aka Pedro aka....

2006-01-11T21:22:00.000-08:00

Open iTunes/iPod or Windows Media Player to answer the following. Go to your library. Answer, no matter how embarrassing it is.

How many songs: 3193 (and a ton of CDs I haven't added yet)

Sort by song title:
First Song: 13th Floor - Growing Old by Outkast
Last Song: Your Song - Moulin Rouge Soundtrack

Sort by time:
Shortest Song: I'm Black - "Hair" the musical (0:27)
Longest Song: If I Were A Bell - Miles Davis (13:34)

Sort by album:
First Song: You Should Be Here - Raphael Saadiq (Album: "Instant Vintage")
Last Song: Centipede - Rebbie Jackson (Album: Yours Faithfully) you probably won't know this song unless you're over 35. I have a lot of music that was before my time....

Top Five Most Played Songs:
1. For Real - Amel Larrieux
2. Clarity - John Mayer
3. The Book of Love - Peter Gabriel
4. Breathe Your Name -- Sixpense None The Richer
5. The Real Thing - Gwen Stefani
(It's All The Same from Man of La Mancha made the top ten:))

First song that comes up on Shuffle: I Believe In You and Me - Whitney Houston (pre-crack)

Search:
"sex", how many songs come up? 10
"death", how many songs come up? 1
"love", how many songs come up? 303
"you", how many songs come up? 499

Conclusion: Most of the dirty songs I listen to have a lot of innuendo and don't actually have 'sex' in the title. Also, I'm a hopeless romantic.

some 'kiss my ass money' and a cell phone

2005-11-20T23:37:00.000-08:00

Part of being an adult means that you take responsibility for the situations you allow yourself to be in. If you're in a situation that makes you uncomfortable - when you have the choice - you remove yourself from it. Some might say that I, at times, can be prideful. Even to the point of risking my safety. I admit, I am very strong-minded. When I feel pressed to make a certain decision, I honestly feel that whatever the consequences are of that decision, they will be dealt with accordingly. Therefore, I don't stress inconveniencing myself, or what others will think of my decision, or even my safety. Some might say that I need to change this outlook. I disagree. I think all I really need to do is make sure I always have some Kiss-my-ass-money and a cell phone. Kiss my ass money always has to be cash, but how much cash depends mostly on where you're going (and how far it is from home). It can be combined with other purchasing devices, but never just that. You never know that you'll be in the position to stop and use an ATM, or that your needs will be met with a credit card. This was introduced to me some years ago by my aunt. Just as I was about to leave the house to go out with some friends, she pressed some extra cash into my hand and told me "Take this. You always need to have some extra cash with you when you go out with people, in case anything happens. I like to call it Kiss my ass money, because you never know when you're going to have to tell someone to kiss your ass, and then get out of their car." There are different derivatives of the scenario she described; it could be as simple as a "you go ahead without me" and finding your own way back home, or as complex as being in another city with nowhere to stay (which actually happened to me once...) The point is, I can take care of myself. And I don't have to stay anywhere or do anything that makes me uncomfortable, and I don't have to depend on anyone's help in order for me to be able to remove myself from a less than ideal situation. It's good to be prepared. She was right; You just never know.

A song for a friend

2005-11-16T04:13:00.000-08:00

La Douleur Esquisite (The Esquisite Pain)

I didn't call because I missed you
I didn't come because I knew I wanted to
I left so quickly since I wanted to stay there
I stayed away since I desired to be near

I woke up early as you wandered through my dreams
I wouldn't let myself think what the dream could mean
And then my heart asks, why not give myself to you?
I fight my heart; I always lose

I say hello, I never want to say goodbye
I always smile but worry you might make me cry
I try to run from it, but what else can I do....
I fight my heart; I always lose

Grace & The Good-Confused Guy

2005-11-13T23:33:00.000-08:00

Besides the grace I offered to myself and to my friend (good thing I gave her grace. She definitely used it), I gave grace to a third person this weekend who shall remain nameless. yeah. you definitely got grace.

So anyway, I was recently reminded of an article that was in the Talking Drum (a Duke undergraduate publication) a year or two ago. It outlined the kinds of guys as (I might be missing one, but these three are pretty interesting) The Player, the Genuinely-Good Guy, and the Good-Confused Guy. The player usually just puts it out there right from the start; I'm not about trying to have a serious relationship, I'm just trying to have a good time, etc. The Genuinely-Good Guy is the one that gets over-looked. Think about the cute, fun, funny and pretty much all around great guy that you know that you just don't want even though you can't articulate why. The Good-Confused Guy, however, is a good guy at heart, but he is - as the name implies - confused. He is unclear about what he wants - a relationship or dating, distance or no distance, you or someone else, etc. This guy is the most dangerous because, since he's a good guy, you feel safe with him; you don't expect a good person to hurt you for no clear reason. Also, this guy, since there's good in him, makes you hold out hope that you wouldn't hold out for a 'player'; he'll get over his confusion, he'll come around, he'll chose me over that hook-up etc. The fact of the matter is that you never know what a confused good guy is going to do.
Just like most women, I often happen to find myself attracted to the Good-Confused Guy. That's something I definitely need to work on.

The Grace Period

2005-11-11T03:03:00.000-08:00

I find it helpful, when a friend first enters a new relationship, to give them a grace period where you accept that you will not be as important as their new beau. Accepting that up-front will avoid any loss of respect for your friend now, and any feelings of resentment towards him or her later - when they remember you and come back. It also allows them to enjoy - guilt free - the simplest part of the relationship; the beginning. On the selfish side, however, it also gives you a free 'absorb-myself-in-my-new-man-for-awhile' card when your time comes. So I recognize that. On the giving, understanding side, and on the selfish side. But I sure do miss them while I'm giving them grace.

In other news in my life, I tasted jealousy recently. (Not jealousy of my friend and her new beau - these are completely different situations. My jealousy recently wasn't even pointed directly at one person) But, I actually tasted it and it is bitter and hard to swallow. I don't like the flavor and I've been trying to get the taste out of my mouth. The bitterness is affecting the enjoyment of some of the other things in which I partake. I don't consider myself a jealous person, but sometimes it can be hard to fight off. I think the reason it can be so difficult to overcome is because we often don't want to admit we're jealous. So it just lies there - tucked away - and festers. And gets worse. Thus, I've decided to admit to myself that the flavor wasn't just 'I was tired that day' or 'I was just thinking too hard about the situation'. Because the fact of the matter is, I had plenty of sleep. And I didn't have to think about it very hard at all before I got JEALOUS. I admit it. I am straight up, no lie, frank, open, and honest Jealous. Now, I'll give myself a grace period. To do one of the hardest things there is to do when you feel passed over, forgotten about or left behind; Get over it. And I'll give myself this grace period up front. That way I can avoid any loss of respect for myself now. And any feelings of resentment towards myself (or anybody else) later. Although I must say, I sure will miss the taste of normal life while I'm giving myself grace.

"I do have my likes and dislikes"

2005-11-07T18:35:00.000-08:00

Hmm...I like this...

New Favorite
word: 'jive'
activity: goin to the movies by myself
person: MatPat
feeling: Being over it
quotes: "Don't wanna press rewind and play myself again."

Arrest And Development

2005-10-08T01:07:00.000-07:00

So, Stanley says 2005 was the year of the 'cool' for him and next year will be the year of the 'rage'. (If you want to know what that means you should ask him) But it got me thinking. 2005 was an eventful year - something to reflect on. Especially since it's alllllmost over. So I thought about it and I've decided that 2005 was the year of Arrest and Development.

Arrest v.:
1. To stop; check
2. To seize and hold under the authority of law.
3. To capture and hold briefly (the attention, for example); engage.

Development n.:
1. The act of developing.
2. The state of being developed.
3. A significant event, occurrence, or change.
4. Determination of the best techniques for applying a new device or process

Music.
5. Elaboration of a theme with rhythmic and harmonic variations.
The central section of a movement in sonata form, in which the theme
is elaborated and explored.

(Yes, most of my experience under 'Arrest' involves the stopping, checking, and being held in place by a Higher Authority, but I can think of a couple of guys who captured and briefly held my attention;)

But in all seriousness, this year saw a lot of change. A lot of needed change. It made me take a pause to look around me. It placed me on a path that, to the naked eye, I wasn't on course for. And although it hurt a lot, growing usually does. And it's also very exciting to stop for a moment to prepare for big things. This year was a year for Arrest and Development; I had to get rid (and am still in the process of getting rid) of some things within myself and within the world I allowed myself to dwell in. Next year is the year to reap the benefits of all God sat me down and taught me. Not that I'm saying the learning stops - I know much more now, but I have plenty left to learn :) There were just a few things I had to find out - 911. This year was a year where I had to cling to my hope and faith, until I could learn to live by them. Next year, armed with these new strengths and this new knowledge, is when I begin great adventures. Next year is when I begin to Live.

Stupid Love Style Test

2005-09-18T02:51:00.000-07:00

I took that damn personality/love style test four times (the one that said I now have a 'Sensible love style' because I had my heart-broken), trying to prove to it that I am indeed a Romantic and no roller-coaster ride college-relationship took that from me. Do you know it told me all four times that I am Sensible? (And had the nerve to try to remind me that I must've had my heart-broken. Yes i know. I didn't forget. Thanks.) I was even trying to answer questions differently that I thought would give me more 'romance' points, but it still kept telling me I'm Sensible. Sensible's boring. I've decided. I'm a Romantic, damnit. And I'll live and die as one. I don't care if it's not safe; you can't live your whole life being 'safe'. I'm decided. So shouldn't that know-it-all test be able to pick that up?

After about the third or fourth time, I started to realize which questions were losing the battle for me. Things like "He's not the right person unless I feel constant euphoria around him," "I feel comfortable opening up to romantic partners". These are both examples of things I didn't want to go to extremes on. Yea, you've gotta feel good around your soul mate - but I mean, come on. I couldn't genuinely say that I think you have to feel euphoria all the time. This is a relationship with another human being we're talking about, not a trip on Ecstasy. And that means sometimes you're going to have a disagreement, or need time to yourself. Not kicking and screaming and throwing stuff. But not the emotional equivalent of a mood-enhancing drug. And yea, you've got to be able to open up and trust your true love, but you can't go around treating everyone like they qualify. Not everyone deserves to know all your personal business. I'll admit it. I have been guilty of being an emotional slut (a term I adopted from 'Sex and the City' ;)) - I told too much too soon. It causes unecessary complications (just like doing too much of other stuff too soon), and I think it's a good thing to avoid. It's true that when I was younger I probably would've answered these questions differently. Does that mean I'm not Romantic anymore? No. It means I'm not in a state of perpetual emotional infancy. People learn and grow (at least they should). Does it mean that I've undergone some irrevocable damage at the hands of a careless lover? No. It means that I've learned from it. We're talking about Romantics here - not idiots. So, yes, I've outgrown my teenage naiveté, my childish innocence, my belief in the tooth-fairy. But somehow I still maintain a sense of wonder, a sort of knowledgeable-innocence (that comes from a combination of negative experiences and hope), and a solid belief in real-life fairy tales.

I'm a Sensible Romantic. And that's real.

Love Style Test - I Scoff at Thee.

Life moves swiftly forward. With or without you

2005-08-28T23:00:00.000-07:00

And at times, at the point I'm at in my life right now, it seems it's moving without me. But in my more reflective (and less emotional) moments, I think I'm getting more accomplished than I will recognize until much later. But the point of my above statement is to serve as encouragement for me to remember and recognize that there's no point in clinging to the past - past people, places, or things - because when it's gone it's gone. And not to let go of something when it's over just means more catching up later to the life that moved forward without you since you weren't ready yet. (and since everything works for the good of those who love Him, good riddance to what's past and gone) Dragging around the corpse of a past experience or friend- or relation- ship will serve no purpose but to weigh you down. It's easy to carry past resentments on with you, long after it ceases to be relevant to current life. I've got a few things in my life that have become obsolete. I think right now I'm going about the business of slowly getting rid of them. Like remodeling. A tiring and painstaking task but, once it's done, you can hardly recognize a space that desperately needed change. And, again, I say Good Riddance.

Wrong phone call

2005-08-07T13:55:00.000-07:00

How dare you

1) call 5 times, in a row - out of the blue (when's the last time I heard from you?)
2) at 4:45 am
3) wake me up
4) leave two voicemails (after I didn't answer the 1-3rd time or the 4-5th time)
5) two voicemails that say the exact same message (yeah...you said that already)
6) AND not be the person I wanted to hear from.

ugh...

Unforgettable

2005-08-01T21:07:00.000-07:00

Unforgettable, that's what you are
Unforgettable though near or far
Like a song of love that clings to me
How the thought of you does things to me
Never before has someone been more...

...That's why, darling, it's incredible
That someone so unforgettable
Thinks that I am unforgettable too.

It wasn't just my imagination :)

Here goes...

2005-07-23T23:36:00.000-07:00

This is prob. too much information, but I'm going to write it anyway.

So I took a personality test online to pass the time. It calculated not only my personality type but also my 'love style'. Apparently, my personality type is 'Creator'- meaning i'm imaginative, sensitive, (basically, I'm creative) - and my 'love style' (if such a thing exists) is 'Sensible' - meaning I have to have things practical and reasonable when it comes to love. The profile felt the need to inform me that it is unusual to exibit characteristics of the Creator and have a Sensible love style because Creators are usually of the Romantic type. The program reconciled the difference by saying that I had very likely had my heart broken. It said I probably underwent some kind of 'evolution' to get to the point where I had this 'pragmatic' approach to love.

Ain't that a bitch? That thing knew all my business....I guess I knew that I had changed, but to have some stupid test pick that up, I started to wonder how much. And it made me kind of upset, because I used to find a lot of hope in being a romantic person. I use to believe, like the Romantics of the quiz, that "ultimately...destiny would deliver a love that most people can only dream about." And all I had to do was wrestle with my impatience.

I used to dream of that love at night and wake up feeling it could come true. But now, I dream those dreams...then I wake up and put it out of my head and call myself being realistic. But I lost something.

Sensible is boring.

But safe.

...Right?

Bad David

2005-07-17T16:06:00.000-07:00

So recently, a guy I exchanged numbers with told me (when he called) flat out that he felt that men out-ranked women. That was our one and only conversation. His name was - could you guess from the title of the blog? - David. Dubbed, 'Bad David' to distinguish him from the several nice David's that I know. That was several weeks ago - we met at Kroger. Now, I've been back to that Kroger several times without seeing him, but today - when I wasn't in the best of moods - I stopped in for some comfort food, and guess who shouts me out at the entrance. That's right. Bad David.

I wanted to tell him that he doesn't want a girl to date, he wants someone to wipe his ass for him when his mama won't do it anymore, but instead I just said 'what's up', shot him a 'does hell go with no?' look that told him I didn't care what was up, and headed straight for the desert isle.

It might seem like I was rude, but if someone told you 'everything in life has rank, I can't imagine how you don't see it with men and women' and 'if you don't agree with me, then you need to do some more studying' and 'there are certain roles a woman has to fill' (with respect to working all day and then coming home and doing all the child-rearing, cooking and cleaning), oh and the classic 'I'm right, and you know I'm right. You just don't want to admit it.'

I'm surprised he had the nerve to speak.

Please. I need a man that can wipe his own ass.

Is it sexy? Is it sexy?!

2005-06-22T23:41:00.000-07:00

In my new role playing the unhappy stripper, Agony Delight, I find myself wondering - as I do body rolls and dance down to the ground - is it sexy? Or do I look like a fool. The answer is, I probably look sexy to some, and like a fool to others. Attractiveness is all so relative. And, not to say I didn't realize it before, but I really see as I've gotten older that attractiveness is in the eye of the beholder. (Beauty, I still feel, is something more undeniable. In addition to my personal belief that you have to have more than looks to be beautiful, I believe that even if you aren't attracted to someone 'beautiful' you still cannot help but acknowledge that beauty.) Honestly, personality and carriage can greatly improve or completely annihilate your chances with someone. I offer the example of a situation involving a friend of mine. A guy confessed to my friend that he had a crush no her, and asked her out. As she so accurately put it (I completely understood what she was saying), she recognized that he was "empirically attractive" but conveyed that she had no actual attraction to him. And similarly, I can't tell you how many times I've come to see someone who I first recognized as not "traditionally attractive" as quite the object of my desire....

But, yea...I hope the audience is kind.

"Does Hell go with no?"

2005-06-17T00:41:00.000-07:00

(i get it now, stan)

yes, yes it does. In order to answer the following questions:

Am I ready for children of my own? (Baby-sitting has shown this to me)
Do I feel bad about walking off from that 2 ft. tall boy at the club who tried to dance with me, and saying "I can't do this."?
Do I appreciate being dropped by one of my closest friends for no reason?
Do I enjoy the endless procession of stupid, unattractive, and/or immature boys I come across?

And would I rather be alone?

Oh sorry, that last one - that's a hell yes.

"You think it's hard trying to find a good guy, imagine how hard it is to find a good lesbian."

2005-06-12T23:21:00.000-07:00

That's the quote of the weekend.
It's tough all over, I suppose.
Fortunately/Unfortunately, however, (fortunately because, apparently, even though a good guy is ridiculously hard to find, a good lesbian is infinitely difficult to locate; unfortunately because I so often end up having to use 'he' and 'asshole' in the same sentence), I only like men. Although, last night (Saturday) I went to a club with my friend and found myself strongly desiring not to be asked for my number. Even if I couldn't find anything overtly wrong with the guy.

I don't mean to build up walls - but I'm not trying to keep people out or trying to 'see who cares enough to break them down' as much as I'm honestly protecting some poor unsuspecting male who I might just walk all over should he give me the chance to....And I don't want to be the one to 'ruin' anybody.

Besides, I'm 22 and I have the right to want to just go dance and leave unmolested.

Ask the Lord to put some super on your natural

2005-06-09T22:20:00.000-07:00

Currently too many personal things are going on to write about the on an online journal, so I'll just stick with the above quote.

Well, maybe I'll talk about it just a little...(although I'm still stickin w/ my quote)
Apparently, it's in style for me to spend 95% of my time alone. All of sudden everybody's off working, studying or just being weird and not returning any of my calls (which is really hurting my feelings....) But anway, you've gotta live your own life without worring about what other people are doing . So, starting Saturday - over the course of June, July and August - I will be taking 1) a belly-dancing class (hottttt!) 2) a Hip-Hop dance class 3) french lessons 4) swim class/lessons (starting in July) 5) ballroom dancing lessons (starting also in July) 6) a latin dance class (starting in July), and 7) piano lessons - as soon as I find a teacher. Catch me if you can....

TV night with Stan

2005-06-04T01:14:00.000-07:00

Watching "NEXT"
Guy: So what did you think of me when you saw me?
Girl: Thought you were a little Metro.
Guy: I'm a little Metro....Is that a bad thing?
Girl: It's not a good thing....How long does it take you to get ready in the morning?
Guy: Well, depends on the occaision. But...a few hours.
Stan: *GASP*
Girl: Next.
Stan: He had on three shirts, all three colars popped.

later in the show....
"I'm a great girl, and I'm not afraid to stand out in a crowd." (she smiles and bears f&%cked up gril) I turn to Stan - "Woo, damn - it's a good thing she doesn't mind standing out..."

Watching an advertisement for Tom Cruise's new movie....
"Stan, do you think Tom Cruise is really going to marry Katie Holmes?"
"Why not? He married Nicole Kidman."
"What?"
"Let me tell you somethin'. Tom Cruise is gay." (Dont matter who he marries)

still later in the show....
Me: "mmm...she's not too cute."
Stan: "Yeah...but I can see those two together."
Me: "Yeah, because they're both almost-cute."

Yes, Yes

2005-05-24T11:35:00.000-07:00

It's been awhile, I know.

So I've got my own apartment for the summer. I guess I don't mind living alone. I actually quite like it. Just like when my roommate would go out of town for several days or that time I stayed at Duke a week after Christmas break started - I keep waiting to get freaked out about being alone. But then I catch a good movie on tv or decide to make something good to eat or decide to have a 'Sex in the City' marathon and realize I quite like having the thermostat on whatever is most comfortable for me, or napping whenever I feel like it without worrying about anybody playing music (since I can't really request my roommate to turn the music down in the middle of the afternoon), or walking naked through the house if i forgot my towel, etc. etc.

Don't get me wrong though. I love my senior year roommate - we had much fun. Through everything, senior year was still so rewarding and I thank all of my friends for making that so.

The fun's just beginning....

Here you go, twin / Jehan - take my survey!

2005-04-30T00:36:00.000-07:00

Three names you go by
1. Audrey
2. Aud
3. Ree-Ree

Three screen names you have had
1. audreycog
2. darkeyedbeauty21
3. audacity0217

Three physical things you like about yourself
1. my eyes
2. my smile
3. the way my butt looks in my jeans (not flat)

Three physical things you (dislike) about yourself
1. my legs
2. my skin
3. my height (anybody want 2 inches?)

Three parts of your heritage
1. Regular Black
2. Regular Black
3. Regular Black (I'm the descendant of American Slaves - I don't know what my heritage is although I can guess my ancestors were from a west African country and my last name comes from my white slave master/ancestor)

Three things that scare you
1. relationships
2. not trying
3. not being able to help my family

Three of your everyday essentials
1. prayer
2. earrings
3. my car keys

Three things you are wearing right now
1. green socks
2. long pajama shirt
3. a mildly sad expression

Three musical artist or bands (just three?!?)
1. Outkast
2. John Mayer
3. Debussy

Three favorite songs
1. Prototype (andre 3000)
2. Clarity (John Mayer)
3. Clair de Lune

Three things I want in a relationship
1. Fidelity
2. Friendship
3. Trust

Two truths one lie
1. I still sleep with my teddy bear (and have no intentions of stopping)
2. I'd drop Harvard Law in a second if I knew I could pursue music and be successful (As for my desire to learn about the law - that's what books and spare time are for)
3. I've never told a lie

Three things about the opposite sex that appeal to you
1. eyes
2. smile
3. that curve in the hip area - you know that curve....mmm....oh - sorry....hobbies - yeah...

Three favorite hobbies
1. singing/listening to music
2. movies
3. acting

Three things you want to do badly right now
1. Fast Forward 3 years - just to see how things pan out
2. Learn French, German, and Italian
3. find peace in every moment

Three careers you have considered
1. modeling (ha)
2. Pharmacy
3. Singer

Three places you want to go on vacation to
1. Back to Greece!
2. Australia
3. Egypt

Three kids’ names you really like
1. Jaden
2. Natasha
3. Imani

Three things you want to do before you die
1. marry my soul-mate and have healthy babies
2. travel - a lot
3. gain a lot more wisdom than I have now

Three people you want to take this survey...
1. shakeena
2. froilan
3. all you folks who read my blog but never let on

Hey!

2005-04-26T23:49:00.000-07:00

It's actually not that bad to find out a bunch of negative things you suspected are true! Then you can stop suspecting! With me, suspecting something is so close to knowing - but I just don't have solid proof ; when I suspect - usually it's true...so it bothers me to have these thoughts in my head teetering on the edge of actuality. Damn, sounds like I will save a lot of time when I learn to trust my instincts.

Good sleep for me tonight :)

Reflection has its place

2005-04-08T02:01:00.000-07:00

But I refuse to shed another tear about it.

I'm an adult now, and I've got too nice of a view in front of me to look back on less attractive things.

Haven't smiled that Smile in awhile

2005-04-03T12:42:00.000-07:00

alright keena - maybe you were right, and maybe I was wrong. I'm glad I went out Friday. We had fun, and look who we stumbled across; cotton, charlie-murphy, kosum (like possum) and please-come-back-from-baghdad-in-one-piece

More importantly, I realize what's out there.

And, you, remember to call...I'll answer

can never have too much good conversation...
And you can never be flattered too much in different languages

stream of consciousness

2005-03-31T21:50:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I worry about dancing too hard, because I know I'm supposed to know how to dance.
I worry sometimes about expressing my sensuality, because I don't want to be eroticized as the 'exotic other'. I just want to express my femininity. Sometimes I keep myself from getting an attitude, because I'm supposed to be angry and Black (The Angry Black Woman *insert neck roll and finger pop*). Sometimes I think if I were just me, I wouldn't be any of those things, but being Black in America means a lot more about how people see me than how I see myself.

Not everyone who's Republican is racist (they're just too damn conservative for my taste)
Not everyone who's a Democrat gives a shit about equality (the politicians just pretend to care to get the minority vote)
My "Blackness" is not genetic. And therefore there is no 'rhythm gene' (I had to learn how to dance)

Love's (new) Philosophy?

2005-03-29T20:31:00.000-08:00

X: romantic love is meaningless
X: and i feel like i've been lied to all my life
X: like i'm watching a good friend die
X: that never really lived
Y: well, welcome to the club
Y: u now know what we know

It's over and I survived

2005-03-28T03:22:00.000-08:00

Apparently, things hit me in stages.

While actions may speak louder than words, sometimes all you have to go on is what people say. Although there may be ambiguities in their behavior, if a person tells you without hesistation, straight up, this is how they feel about something - you gotta take them at that. So. Now since I've allowed myself to air out stuff that I had tucked away in boxes marked 'college', pretending there was nothing in there needing sorting out, I feel a considerable bit better. And actually better, not just pretend better. I've got me, myself, and I and a striking number of crazy (in a good way) friends in my corner who will chill with me and make me laugh (sometimes at myself) when I feel like I can't find a thing to smile about. The preacher today referred to John 20 and it struck me that Mary Magdalene - looking for Jesus' body - runs right into Jesus and doesn't recognize him (she thinks he's the gardener, and asks Jesus if He knows where they've taken her Lord.) Sometimes we are just blind to the good that's right in front of us. I mean, Mary looked right at Jesus and asked Jesus, 'Where's Jesus'.

Not that I'm saying I don't have anything to feel worried or sad about these days. I do still feel that I give a lot of good to people and get a lot less back. But those people don't matter anymore.

I'm all about enjoying my last days here at Duke (at least at this capacity)

Now, I'm wonderin how much I can get for this ring on ebay....

I hope

2005-03-26T02:01:00.000-08:00

"There are people who can walk away from you. And hear me when I tell you this. When people can walk away from you, let them walk. I don't want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you. I mean hang up the phone. When people can walk away from you let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left. The Bible said that, they came out from us that it might be made manifest that they were not for us. For had they been of us, no doubt they would have continued with us. (1 John 2:19). People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are not joined to you, you can get super glue and you can't make them stay.
Let them go. It doesn't mean they are a bad person. It just means their part in the story is over. You've got to know when people's part in your story is over so you don't keep trying to raise the dead. You've got to know when it's dead. You've got to know when it's over. Let me tell you something, I've got the gift of good-bye. It's the tenth spiritual gift. I believe in good-bye. And it's not because I'm hateful, but because I'm faithful. And I know whatever God means for me to have He'll give to me. If it takes too much sweat, I don't need it."
-Rev. T.D. Jakes

So, no need to look back on college and feel hurt over things that happened so long ago. Those who left me then, now, and those who will in the future will do so because I'm supposed to go on without them. And on that note, I'm orderin up some pleasant dreams.

And, per my friend's request, an extra order of hope. Not everybody leaves.

Or maybe not...

2005-03-25T01:51:00.000-08:00

No matter how much people say they respect you and care about you, no matter how kind, no matter how loyal you are or how compassionate you strive to be - people can still brush you aside so easily and forget all about you. And hurt you just as easily as we all walk and talk and breathe.

Or maybe that's just me

I miss classical music

2005-03-24T21:44:00.000-08:00

Everybody wants me to sing soul....which is nice sometimes to. But what I really wish is that someone would ask me to sing the kind of music I learned how to sing first....

Love's Philosophy

The fountains mingle with the river
And the rivers with the ocean
The winds of heaven mix forever
With a sweet motion
Nothing in the world is single
All things by a law divine
In one another's being mingle
Why not I with thine?
Not I with thine....

See the mountains kiss high heaven
And the waves clasp one another
No sister flower would be forgiven
If it disdained its brother

And the sunlight clasps the earth
And the moonbeams kiss the sea
What are all these kissings worth
If thou, If thou kiss not me?

Author's kinda reachin, ain't he
Guess that's kinda what it feels like sometimes, though

Ever heard the expression "you could've knocked me over with a feather"?

2005-03-21T21:34:00.000-08:00

The mail today really threw me for a loop (in a good way).
God is so good.

After this past weekend's visit, I had pretty much gone back to my original intention of being around here....But new news.

Wow, that new news.

Now it's decision time. Should I go, should I stay? So many reasons on both sides...something small could push me either way...

but what a lovely decision to have to make.

A Theory

2005-03-16T00:50:00.000-08:00

A friend of mine postulated that every *good* guy has a girl that "ruined" him (in all fairness, sometimes unintentionally).

I think there's some truth to that - they are effected in a way that's different from how girls are effected by that kind of pain (for example, a lot of girls don't give up easily and end up "ruined" by experiences with several "ruined" guys). But women do have a higher tolerance for pain in general....But I digress. Anyway, I can say in good conscience that I have never "ruined" a guy. However, I cannot take full credit for it because they were already ruined before I got to them. hahaha (joking...kinda)

It's ok, ruined guys come back...just not with me

Resolved.

2005-03-15T01:38:00.000-08:00

Stan is great.
Drink more water, less wine.
Stop cursing, at least curse less
Enjoy this weekend at U of Mich (be the belle of the BLSA ball)
Stop taking things personal
Take compliments better...(but still not too seriously)
Avoid "high traffic" guys, triangles, rectangles, octagons....
Become even more cautious with people
But stay willing to enjoy life, even if it could mean getting hurt

But not to the point of stupidity

Figure out the point of stupidity.

And Yeah...this is growing up

2005-03-13T23:45:00.000-08:00

So, I am trying to make some big decisions here. I will be visiting a Law school this Thursday - Saturday for their admitted students weekend - they better pull out all the stops b/c my heart is almost completely set on being here. I do need to explore my options, however, which is why I've decided to go. I'm trying to be open minded - but I'm already planning my life out for next year and whenever I plan it - it's here. Maybe I should go somewhere new, though...I don't know. Am I holding on out of fear? Or is Duke really right for me?

I am not an indecisive person - or rather, I do not grapple with decisions for very long once it becomes inconvenient. And if you choose not to make a choice, something will inevitably happen to make it for you. So I will relax, pray about it, and this time next month (or probably even sooner) I'll except admission somewhere and I'll be "Audrey Christopher - _____ Law School Student - class of 2008."

And then come more decisions...where to live? I don't plan on going home for the summer....can I stay down here? oh goodness - water bill, electric bill, rent? And me on my own. Young, intelligent, attractive?, single, black female. What happened to my excitement...

Okay, Okay

2005-03-03T22:59:00.000-08:00

I will fight the urge to put up another poem....I just do it to avoid rambling. But tonight I will try something new - a synopsis of my day:

This morning: Overslept (how do you oversleep when you don't have to be somewhere until noon? I'll tell you how - you stay up until 4am talking on AIM and reading in your bed), rushed to get ready for work, rushed to work, avoided the overly-'friendly' maitenance man while there by waving politely and quickly ducking off into another hallway whenever I saw him coming (forgot to wear a pretend-engagement ring AGAIN today)

This afternoon: rushed home to finish a paper I should've finished last night, grabbed blue eye shadow and a duke shirt and headed to class, left class early so I could get in line for the miami game (a shame a shame, i know - but it was only 15 minutes early).

This evening: Got in line with my roommate but apparently missed the wine she clearly had been sipping, got decent seats but realized I was basically alone: sitting next to people who are just friends of friends (and not one's I'm particularly fond of). Waited for my friend, who was supposed to come sit next to me....

Game Highlights (sorta)
Telling the girls who tried to move my jacket off of the seat I was saving when they knew I was saving it and who for: "Don't touch my sh*t."
The sigma nu who was trying to body surf through the crowd getting dropped.
A friend snatching that guy's raggady sign halfway through the game (the sign that was blocking everybody's view, even though we all kept asking him to lower it) and tearing it into pieces.
Completely wiping Miami out. (Although it did get kind of boring...)

Tonight: Sang opera music for anyone who could hear through the walls as I washed dishes. It made me smile :)

See what happens when I don't post a poem? Longest. Post. Ever.

What do three years mean anyway?

2005-02-28T21:38:00.000-08:00

If it doesn't mean kindness - then how can it mean friendship?

Woman
she wanted to be a blade
of grass amid the fields
but he wouldn't agree
to be the dandelion

she wanted to be a robin singing
through the leaves
but he refused to be
her tree

she spun herself into a web
and
looking for a place to rest
turned to him
but he stood straight
declining to be her corner

she tried to be a book
but he wouldn't read

she turned herself into a bulb
but he wouldn't let her grow

she decided to become
a woman
and though he still refused
to be a man
she decided it was all
right
~Nikki Giovanni

Classic Audrey (these days especially)

2005-02-21T12:52:00.000-08:00

I spent 15 minutes creating the settings on this new blog rather than working on the paper - due tomorrow - which I haven't started yet. Ah yes...Procrastination. What else can I do to avoid working...