Is it sexy? Is it sexy?!

In my new role playing the unhappy stripper, Agony Delight, I find myself wondering - as I do body rolls and dance down to the ground - is it sexy? Or do I look like a fool. The answer is, I probably look sexy to some, and like a fool to others. Attractiveness is all so relative. And, not to say I didn't realize it before, but I really see as I've gotten older that attractiveness is in the eye of the beholder. (Beauty, I still feel, is something more undeniable. In addition to my personal belief that you have to have more than looks to be beautiful, I believe that even if you aren't attracted to someone 'beautiful' you still cannot help but acknowledge that beauty.) Honestly, personality and carriage can greatly improve or completely annihilate your chances with someone. I offer the example of a situation involving a friend of mine. A guy confessed to my friend that he had a crush no her, and asked her out. As she so accurately put it (I completely understood what she was saying), she recognized that he was "empirically attractive" but conveyed that she had no actual attraction to him. And similarly, I can't tell you how many times I've come to see someone who I first recognized as not "traditionally attractive" as quite the object of my desire....

But, yea...I hope the audience is kind.

"Does Hell go with no?"

(i get it now, stan)

yes, yes it does. In order to answer the following questions:

Am I ready for children of my own? (Baby-sitting has shown this to me)
Do I feel bad about walking off from that 2 ft. tall boy at the club who tried to dance with me, and saying "I can't do this."?
Do I appreciate being dropped by one of my closest friends for no reason?
Do I enjoy the endless procession of stupid, unattractive, and/or immature boys I come across?

And would I rather be alone?

Oh sorry, that last one - that's a hell yes.

"You think it's hard trying to find a good guy, imagine how hard it is to find a good lesbian."

That's the quote of the weekend.
It's tough all over, I suppose.
Fortunately/Unfortunately, however, (fortunately because, apparently, even though a good guy is ridiculously hard to find, a good lesbian is infinitely difficult to locate; unfortunately because I so often end up having to use 'he' and 'asshole' in the same sentence), I only like men. Although, last night (Saturday) I went to a club with my friend and found myself strongly desiring not to be asked for my number. Even if I couldn't find anything overtly wrong with the guy.

I don't mean to build up walls - but I'm not trying to keep people out or trying to 'see who cares enough to break them down' as much as I'm honestly protecting some poor unsuspecting male who I might just walk all over should he give me the chance to....And I don't want to be the one to 'ruin' anybody.

Besides, I'm 22 and I have the right to want to just go dance and leave unmolested.

Ask the Lord to put some super on your natural

Currently too many personal things are going on to write about the on an online journal, so I'll just stick with the above quote.

Well, maybe I'll talk about it just a little...(although I'm still stickin w/ my quote)
Apparently, it's in style for me to spend 95% of my time alone. All of sudden everybody's off working, studying or just being weird and not returning any of my calls (which is really hurting my feelings....) But anway, you've gotta live your own life without worring about what other people are doing . So, starting Saturday - over the course of June, July and August - I will be taking 1) a belly-dancing class (hottttt!) 2) a Hip-Hop dance class 3) french lessons 4) swim class/lessons (starting in July) 5) ballroom dancing lessons (starting also in July) 6) a latin dance class (starting in July), and 7) piano lessons - as soon as I find a teacher. Catch me if you can....

TV night with Stan

Watching "NEXT"
Guy: So what did you think of me when you saw me?
Girl: Thought you were a little Metro.
Guy: I'm a little Metro....Is that a bad thing?
Girl: It's not a good thing....How long does it take you to get ready in the morning?
Guy: Well, depends on the occaision. But...a few hours.
Stan: *GASP*
Girl: Next.
Stan: He had on three shirts, all three colars popped.

later in the show....
"I'm a great girl, and I'm not afraid to stand out in a crowd." (she smiles and bears f&%cked up gril) I turn to Stan - "Woo, damn - it's a good thing she doesn't mind standing out..."


Watching an advertisement for Tom Cruise's new movie....
"Stan, do you think Tom Cruise is really going to marry Katie Holmes?"
"Why not? He married Nicole Kidman."
"What?"
"Let me tell you somethin'. Tom Cruise is gay." (Dont matter who he marries)

still later in the show....
Me: "mmm...she's not too cute."
Stan: "Yeah...but I can see those two together."
Me: "Yeah, because they're both almost-cute."

Yes, Yes

It's been awhile, I know.

So I've got my own apartment for the summer. I guess I don't mind living alone. I actually quite like it. Just like when my roommate would go out of town for several days or that time I stayed at Duke a week after Christmas break started - I keep waiting to get freaked out about being alone. But then I catch a good movie on tv or decide to make something good to eat or decide to have a 'Sex in the City' marathon and realize I quite like having the thermostat on whatever is most comfortable for me, or napping whenever I feel like it without worrying about anybody playing music (since I can't really request my roommate to turn the music down in the middle of the afternoon), or walking naked through the house if i forgot my towel, etc. etc.

Don't get me wrong though. I love my senior year roommate - we had much fun. Through everything, senior year was still so rewarding and I thank all of my friends for making that so.

The fun's just beginning....

Here you go, twin / Jehan - take my survey!

Three names you go by
1. Audrey
2. Aud
3. Ree-Ree

Three screen names you have had
1. audreycog
2. darkeyedbeauty21
3. audacity0217

Three physical things you like about yourself
1. my eyes
2. my smile
3. the way my butt looks in my jeans (not flat)

Three physical things you (dislike) about yourself
1. my legs
2. my skin
3. my height (anybody want 2 inches?)

Three parts of your heritage
1. Regular Black
2. Regular Black
3. Regular Black (I'm the descendant of American Slaves - I don't know what my heritage is although I can guess my ancestors were from a west African country and my last name comes from my white slave master/ancestor)

Three things that scare you
1. relationships
2. not trying
3. not being able to help my family

Three of your everyday essentials
1. prayer
2. earrings
3. my car keys

Three things you are wearing right now
1. green socks
2. long pajama shirt
3. a mildly sad expression

Three musical artist or bands (just three?!?)
1. Outkast
2. John Mayer
3. Debussy

Three favorite songs
1. Prototype (andre 3000)
2. Clarity (John Mayer)
3. Clair de Lune

Three things I want in a relationship
1. Fidelity
2. Friendship
3. Trust

Two truths one lie
1. I still sleep with my teddy bear (and have no intentions of stopping)
2. I'd drop Harvard Law in a second if I knew I could pursue music and be successful (As for my desire to learn about the law - that's what books and spare time are for)
3. I've never told a lie

Three things about the opposite sex that appeal to you
1. eyes
2. smile
3. that curve in the hip area - you know that curve....mmm....oh - sorry....hobbies - yeah...

Three favorite hobbies
1. singing/listening to music
2. movies
3. acting

Three things you want to do badly right now
1. Fast Forward 3 years - just to see how things pan out
2. Learn French, German, and Italian
3. find peace in every moment

Three careers you have considered
1. modeling (ha)
2. Pharmacy
3. Singer

Three places you want to go on vacation to
1. Back to Greece!
2. Australia
3. Egypt

Three kids’ names you really like
1. Jaden
2. Natasha
3. Imani

Three things you want to do before you die
1. marry my soul-mate and have healthy babies
2. travel - a lot
3. gain a lot more wisdom than I have now

Three people you want to take this survey...
1. shakeena
2. froilan
3. all you folks who read my blog but never let on

Hey!

It's actually not that bad to find out a bunch of negative things you suspected are true! Then you can stop suspecting! With me, suspecting something is so close to knowing - but I just don't have solid proof ; when I suspect - usually it's true...so it bothers me to have these thoughts in my head teetering on the edge of actuality. Damn, sounds like I will save a lot of time when I learn to trust my instincts.


Good sleep for me tonight :)

Reflection has its place

But I refuse to shed another tear about it.

I'm an adult now, and I've got too nice of a view in front of me to look back on less attractive things.

Haven't smiled that Smile in awhile

alright keena - maybe you were right, and maybe I was wrong. I'm glad I went out Friday. We had fun, and look who we stumbled across; cotton, charlie-murphy, kosum (like possum) and please-come-back-from-baghdad-in-one-piece

More importantly, I realize what's out there.

And, you, remember to call...I'll answer

can never have too much good conversation...
And you can never be flattered too much in different languages

stream of consciousness

Sometimes I worry about dancing too hard, because I know I'm supposed to know how to dance.
I worry sometimes about expressing my sensuality, because I don't want to be eroticized as the 'exotic other'. I just want to express my femininity. Sometimes I keep myself from getting an attitude, because I'm supposed to be angry and Black (The Angry Black Woman *insert neck roll and finger pop*). Sometimes I think if I were just me, I wouldn't be any of those things, but being Black in America means a lot more about how people see me than how I see myself.


Not everyone who's Republican is racist (they're just too damn conservative for my taste)
Not everyone who's a Democrat gives a shit about equality (the politicians just pretend to care to get the minority vote)
My "Blackness" is not genetic. And therefore there is no 'rhythm gene' (I had to learn how to dance)

Love's (new) Philosophy?

X: romantic love is meaningless
X: and i feel like i've been lied to all my life
X: like i'm watching a good friend die
X: that never really lived
Y: well, welcome to the club
Y: u now know what we know

It's over and I survived

Apparently, things hit me in stages.

While actions may speak louder than words, sometimes all you have to go on is what people say. Although there may be ambiguities in their behavior, if a person tells you without hesistation, straight up, this is how they feel about something - you gotta take them at that. So. Now since I've allowed myself to air out stuff that I had tucked away in boxes marked 'college', pretending there was nothing in there needing sorting out, I feel a considerable bit better. And actually better, not just pretend better. I've got me, myself, and I and a striking number of crazy (in a good way) friends in my corner who will chill with me and make me laugh (sometimes at myself) when I feel like I can't find a thing to smile about. The preacher today referred to John 20 and it struck me that Mary Magdalene - looking for Jesus' body - runs right into Jesus and doesn't recognize him (she thinks he's the gardener, and asks Jesus if He knows where they've taken her Lord.) Sometimes we are just blind to the good that's right in front of us. I mean, Mary looked right at Jesus and asked Jesus, 'Where's Jesus'.

Not that I'm saying I don't have anything to feel worried or sad about these days. I do still feel that I give a lot of good to people and get a lot less back. But those people don't matter anymore.

I'm all about enjoying my last days here at Duke (at least at this capacity)

Now, I'm wonderin how much I can get for this ring on ebay....

I hope

"There are people who can walk away from you. And hear me when I tell you this. When people can walk away from you, let them walk. I don't want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you. I mean hang up the phone. When people can walk away from you let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left. The Bible said that, they came out from us that it might be made manifest that they were not for us. For had they been of us, no doubt they would have continued with us. (1 John 2:19). People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are not joined to you, you can get super glue and you can't make them stay.
Let them go. It doesn't mean they are a bad person. It just means their part in the story is over. You've got to know when people's part in your story is over so you don't keep trying to raise the dead. You've got to know when it's dead. You've got to know when it's over. Let me tell you something, I've got the gift of good-bye. It's the tenth spiritual gift. I believe in good-bye. And it's not because I'm hateful, but because I'm faithful. And I know whatever God means for me to have He'll give to me. If it takes too much sweat, I don't need it."
-Rev. T.D. Jakes


So, no need to look back on college and feel hurt over things that happened so long ago. Those who left me then, now, and those who will in the future will do so because I'm supposed to go on without them. And on that note, I'm orderin up some pleasant dreams.

And, per my friend's request, an extra order of hope. Not everybody leaves.

Or maybe not...

No matter how much people say they respect you and care about you, no matter how kind, no matter how loyal you are or how compassionate you strive to be - people can still brush you aside so easily and forget all about you. And hurt you just as easily as we all walk and talk and breathe.

Or maybe that's just me

I miss classical music

Everybody wants me to sing soul....which is nice sometimes to. But what I really wish is that someone would ask me to sing the kind of music I learned how to sing first....

Love's Philosophy

The fountains mingle with the river
And the rivers with the ocean
The winds of heaven mix forever
With a sweet motion
Nothing in the world is single
All things by a law divine
In one another's being mingle
Why not I with thine?
Not I with thine....

See the mountains kiss high heaven
And the waves clasp one another
No sister flower would be forgiven
If it disdained its brother

And the sunlight clasps the earth
And the moonbeams kiss the sea
What are all these kissings worth
If thou, If thou kiss not me?



Author's kinda reachin, ain't he
Guess that's kinda what it feels like sometimes, though

Ever heard the expression "you could've knocked me over with a feather"?

The mail today really threw me for a loop (in a good way).
God is so good.

After this past weekend's visit, I had pretty much gone back to my original intention of being around here....But new news.

Wow, that new news.

Now it's decision time. Should I go, should I stay? So many reasons on both sides...something small could push me either way...

but what a lovely decision to have to make.

A Theory

A friend of mine postulated that every *good* guy has a girl that "ruined" him (in all fairness, sometimes unintentionally).

I think there's some truth to that - they are effected in a way that's different from how girls are effected by that kind of pain (for example, a lot of girls don't give up easily and end up "ruined" by experiences with several "ruined" guys). But women do have a higher tolerance for pain in general....But I digress. Anyway, I can say in good conscience that I have never "ruined" a guy. However, I cannot take full credit for it because they were already ruined before I got to them. hahaha (joking...kinda)

It's ok, ruined guys come back...just not with me

Resolved.

Stan is great.
Drink more water, less wine.
Stop cursing, at least curse less
Enjoy this weekend at U of Mich (be the belle of the BLSA ball)
Stop taking things personal
Take compliments better...(but still not too seriously)
Avoid "high traffic" guys, triangles, rectangles, octagons....
Become even more cautious with people
But stay willing to enjoy life, even if it could mean getting hurt

But not to the point of stupidity

Figure out the point of stupidity.

And Yeah...this is growing up

So, I am trying to make some big decisions here. I will be visiting a Law school this Thursday - Saturday for their admitted students weekend - they better pull out all the stops b/c my heart is almost completely set on being here. I do need to explore my options, however, which is why I've decided to go. I'm trying to be open minded - but I'm already planning my life out for next year and whenever I plan it - it's here. Maybe I should go somewhere new, though...I don't know. Am I holding on out of fear? Or is Duke really right for me?

I am not an indecisive person - or rather, I do not grapple with decisions for very long once it becomes inconvenient. And if you choose not to make a choice, something will inevitably happen to make it for you. So I will relax, pray about it, and this time next month (or probably even sooner) I'll except admission somewhere and I'll be "Audrey Christopher - _____ Law School Student - class of 2008."

And then come more decisions...where to live? I don't plan on going home for the summer....can I stay down here? oh goodness - water bill, electric bill, rent? And me on my own. Young, intelligent, attractive?, single, black female. What happened to my excitement...