Ain't Gotta Lie to Kick It

In high school, my best friend and I quoted that one all the time.

I re-read a few of my old posts tonight, and I found this passage. Still rings true :)

"....The Player, the Genuinely-Good Guy, and the Good-Confused Guy. The player usually just puts it out there right from the start; I'm not about trying to have a serious relationship, I'm just trying to have a good time, etc. The Genuinely-Good Guy is the one that gets over-looked. Think about the cute, fun, funny and pretty much all around great guy that you know that you just don't want even though you can't articulate why. The Good-Confused Guy, however, is a good guy at heart, but he is - as the name implies - confused. He is unclear about what he wants - a relationship or dating, distance or no distance, you or someone else, etc. This guy is the most dangerous because, since he's a good guy, you feel safe with him; you don't expect a good person to hurt you for no clear reason. Also, this guy, since there's good in him, makes you hold out hope that you wouldn't hold out for a 'player'; he'll get over his confusion, he'll [stop sending mixed signals] etc. The fact of the matter is that you never know what a confused good guy is going to do." Because they don't even know.

The problem is sometimes you don't even know you're dealing w/ a confused one. Especially if you're confused yourself. And sometimes The Player pretends to be Good just to throw you off.

So what's the solution? The Genuinely Good guy? Ha, no. Go for the obvious player. He knows he ain't gotta lie to kick it. You know exactly what to expect ;-)

A new theory

I've got this new theory that I'm still trying to flesh out completely, but the gist is that, just like one goes through stages on the way to acceptance of a loss (denial, anger, etc), there are stages one goes through after being rejected.

The most immediate one, for me at least, is Relief. At least you know and don't have to waste time or energy on someone who's not interested - and you can go on to find someone else, or at least not worry about it anymore. However, this feeling is short lived (for the moment) and is quickly overcome by feelings of Embarrassment. It can last a long time for some, but the more fortunate of us are able to rid ourselves of it with just a night's rest (and the most fortunate of us have teddy bears that provide immeasurable comfort and support).

Another stage, one that can easily overlap with the Embarrassment Stage, is Sadness. Mixed in with those feelings of wanting to hide under your pillow (so you don't have to remember that awkward look on someone's face, or think about how uncomfortable that conversation just was, etc.) can also be a sadness that mourns the loss of whatever you imagined could have happened had your interest been returned. This stage can be mitigated by finding out early on if someone's not interested before you get too far along emotionally. It's pretty logical, actually. It's human nature for feelings to increase over time, so if you wait a year there's going to be a much more difficult Sadness stage because you have a lot more hopes to mourn the loss of. I've become of a fan of getting it out of the way earlier on - mostly because I don't like spending that kind of energy on anyone who's not spending it on me, but also because the Sadness stage can be the hardest one to get through so whatever option shortens that stage for me is most desirable. A warning, however; embarrassment is no picnic. And shorten the length of life on 'sadness' and expect to feel the embarrassment more keenly since there's nothing else to distract you in that stage from what you've just done (but again, if you have a bear named marshmallow - you'll be fine.)

The next stage is all about holding on to that embarrassment and dragging it around with you and into social situations. You guessed it - Awkwardness. Good news (and bad news, in a way) about this one, though - it is what you make of it. You can dwell in it as long as you let yourself, or choose to feel empowered by the fact that you took a shot and (hopefully) handled the situation and subsequent rejection with grace and let the embarrassment go. It seems like a lot crappy stages and feelings to go through but, in the final stage, you get to genuinely fill yourself with the air of relief that you only got a quick breath of before all the shit went down. It's there, trust me, it comes. And if you keep a perspective, you can actually surprise yourself and find yourself back at relief as soon as you'd hoped ('cause everyone hopes for a speedy recovery.)

And so I set out to see if there's a better way to handle these kinds of things then (as I would've done as little as a year ago) to just spend months and months hoping they notice that you tried to look especially pretty for them and said witty things in their presence. (i mean, who has the patience for that?) And I submit to you all that there is a better way. Recognize that your affections are valuable, and find out if the person you want to share it with wants to share theirs with you. Giving away affection to someone who may not be interested is draining - so find out if the person wants to value your valuables and, if not, find someone else who does. Come on LMK, I'm talking to you!

And on an unrelated note - I love Lola and the fact that all of the affections I give to her she returns. Knowing her has been so rewarding - especially tonight.

some 'kiss my ass money' and a cell phone

Part of being an adult means that you take responsibility for the situations you allow yourself to be in. If you're in a situation that makes you uncomfortable - when you have the choice - you remove yourself from it. Some might say that I, at times, can be prideful. Even to the point of risking my safety. I admit, I am very strong-minded. When I feel pressed to make a certain decision, I honestly feel that whatever the consequences are of that decision, they will be dealt with accordingly. Therefore, I don't stress inconveniencing myself, or what others will think of my decision, or even my safety. Some might say that I need to change this outlook. I disagree. I think all I really need to do is make sure I always have some Kiss-my-ass-money and a cell phone. Kiss my ass money always has to be cash, but how much cash depends mostly on where you're going (and how far it is from home). It can be combined with other purchasing devices, but never just that. You never know that you'll be in the position to stop and use an ATM, or that your needs will be met with a credit card. This was introduced to me some years ago by my aunt. Just as I was about to leave the house to go out with some friends, she pressed some extra cash into my hand and told me "Take this. You always need to have some extra cash with you when you go out with people, in case anything happens. I like to call it Kiss my ass money, because you never know when you're going to have to tell someone to kiss your ass, and then get out of their car." There are different derivatives of the scenario she described; it could be as simple as a "you go ahead without me" and finding your own way back home, or as complex as being in another city with nowhere to stay (which actually happened to me once...) The point is, I can take care of myself. And I don't have to stay anywhere or do anything that makes me uncomfortable, and I don't have to depend on anyone's help in order for me to be able to remove myself from a less than ideal situation. It's good to be prepared. She was right; You just never know.

Grace & The Good-Confused Guy

Besides the grace I offered to myself and to my friend (good thing I gave her grace. She definitely used it), I gave grace to a third person this weekend who shall remain nameless. yeah. you definitely got grace.

So anyway, I was recently reminded of an article that was in the Talking Drum (a Duke undergraduate publication) a year or two ago. It outlined the kinds of guys as (I might be missing one, but these three are pretty interesting) The Player, the Genuinely-Good Guy, and the Good-Confused Guy. The player usually just puts it out there right from the start; I'm not about trying to have a serious relationship, I'm just trying to have a good time, etc. The Genuinely-Good Guy is the one that gets over-looked. Think about the cute, fun, funny and pretty much all around great guy that you know that you just don't want even though you can't articulate why. The Good-Confused Guy, however, is a good guy at heart, but he is - as the name implies - confused. He is unclear about what he wants - a relationship or dating, distance or no distance, you or someone else, etc. This guy is the most dangerous because, since he's a good guy, you feel safe with him; you don't expect a good person to hurt you for no clear reason. Also, this guy, since there's good in him, makes you hold out hope that you wouldn't hold out for a 'player'; he'll get over his confusion, he'll come around, he'll chose me over that hook-up etc. The fact of the matter is that you never know what a confused good guy is going to do.
Just like most women, I often happen to find myself attracted to the Good-Confused Guy. That's something I definitely need to work on.

The Grace Period

I find it helpful, when a friend first enters a new relationship, to give them a grace period where you accept that you will not be as important as their new beau. Accepting that up-front will avoid any loss of respect for your friend now, and any feelings of resentment towards him or her later - when they remember you and come back. It also allows them to enjoy - guilt free - the simplest part of the relationship; the beginning. On the selfish side, however, it also gives you a free 'absorb-myself-in-my-new-man-for-awhile' card when your time comes. So I recognize that. On the giving, understanding side, and on the selfish side. But I sure do miss them while I'm giving them grace.

In other news in my life, I tasted jealousy recently. (Not jealousy of my friend and her new beau - these are completely different situations. My jealousy recently wasn't even pointed directly at one person) But, I actually tasted it and it is bitter and hard to swallow. I don't like the flavor and I've been trying to get the taste out of my mouth. The bitterness is affecting the enjoyment of some of the other things in which I partake. I don't consider myself a jealous person, but sometimes it can be hard to fight off. I think the reason it can be so difficult to overcome is because we often don't want to admit we're jealous. So it just lies there - tucked away - and festers. And gets worse. Thus, I've decided to admit to myself that the flavor wasn't just 'I was tired that day' or 'I was just thinking too hard about the situation'. Because the fact of the matter is, I had plenty of sleep. And I didn't have to think about it very hard at all before I got JEALOUS. I admit it. I am straight up, no lie, frank, open, and honest Jealous. Now, I'll give myself a grace period. To do one of the hardest things there is to do when you feel passed over, forgotten about or left behind; Get over it. And I'll give myself this grace period up front. That way I can avoid any loss of respect for myself now. And any feelings of resentment towards myself (or anybody else) later. Although I must say, I sure will miss the taste of normal life while I'm giving myself grace.