Arrest And Development

So, Stanley says 2005 was the year of the 'cool' for him and next year will be the year of the 'rage'. (If you want to know what that means you should ask him) But it got me thinking. 2005 was an eventful year - something to reflect on. Especially since it's alllllmost over. So I thought about it and I've decided that 2005 was the year of Arrest and Development.

Arrest v.:
1. To stop; check
2. To seize and hold under the authority of law.
3. To capture and hold briefly (the attention, for example); engage.

Development n.:
1. The act of developing.
2. The state of being developed.
3. A significant event, occurrence, or change.
4. Determination of the best techniques for applying a new device or process

Music.
5. Elaboration of a theme with rhythmic and harmonic variations.
The central section of a movement in sonata form, in which the theme
is elaborated and explored.

(Yes, most of my experience under 'Arrest' involves the stopping, checking, and being held in place by a Higher Authority, but I can think of a couple of guys who captured and briefly held my attention;)

But in all seriousness, this year saw a lot of change. A lot of needed change. It made me take a pause to look around me. It placed me on a path that, to the naked eye, I wasn't on course for. And although it hurt a lot, growing usually does. And it's also very exciting to stop for a moment to prepare for big things. This year was a year for Arrest and Development; I had to get rid (and am still in the process of getting rid) of some things within myself and within the world I allowed myself to dwell in. Next year is the year to reap the benefits of all God sat me down and taught me. Not that I'm saying the learning stops - I know much more now, but I have plenty left to learn :) There were just a few things I had to find out - 911. This year was a year where I had to cling to my hope and faith, until I could learn to live by them. Next year, armed with these new strengths and this new knowledge, is when I begin great adventures. Next year is when I begin to Live.

Stupid Love Style Test

I took that damn personality/love style test four times (the one that said I now have a 'Sensible love style' because I had my heart-broken), trying to prove to it that I am indeed a Romantic and no roller-coaster ride college-relationship took that from me. Do you know it told me all four times that I am Sensible? (And had the nerve to try to remind me that I must've had my heart-broken. Yes i know. I didn't forget. Thanks.) I was even trying to answer questions differently that I thought would give me more 'romance' points, but it still kept telling me I'm Sensible. Sensible's boring. I've decided. I'm a Romantic, damnit. And I'll live and die as one. I don't care if it's not safe; you can't live your whole life being 'safe'. I'm decided. So shouldn't that know-it-all test be able to pick that up?

After about the third or fourth time, I started to realize which questions were losing the battle for me. Things like "He's not the right person unless I feel constant euphoria around him," "I feel comfortable opening up to romantic partners". These are both examples of things I didn't want to go to extremes on. Yea, you've gotta feel good around your soul mate - but I mean, come on. I couldn't genuinely say that I think you have to feel euphoria all the time. This is a relationship with another human being we're talking about, not a trip on Ecstasy. And that means sometimes you're going to have a disagreement, or need time to yourself. Not kicking and screaming and throwing stuff. But not the emotional equivalent of a mood-enhancing drug. And yea, you've got to be able to open up and trust your true love, but you can't go around treating everyone like they qualify. Not everyone deserves to know all your personal business. I'll admit it. I have been guilty of being an emotional slut (a term I adopted from 'Sex and the City' ;)) - I told too much too soon. It causes unecessary complications (just like doing too much of other stuff too soon), and I think it's a good thing to avoid. It's true that when I was younger I probably would've answered these questions differently. Does that mean I'm not Romantic anymore? No. It means I'm not in a state of perpetual emotional infancy. People learn and grow (at least they should). Does it mean that I've undergone some irrevocable damage at the hands of a careless lover? No. It means that I've learned from it. We're talking about Romantics here - not idiots. So, yes, I've outgrown my teenage naiveté, my childish innocence, my belief in the tooth-fairy. But somehow I still maintain a sense of wonder, a sort of knowledgeable-innocence (that comes from a combination of negative experiences and hope), and a solid belief in real-life fairy tales.

I'm a Sensible Romantic. And that's real.


Love Style Test - I Scoff at Thee.

Life moves swiftly forward. With or without you

And at times, at the point I'm at in my life right now, it seems it's moving without me. But in my more reflective (and less emotional) moments, I think I'm getting more accomplished than I will recognize until much later. But the point of my above statement is to serve as encouragement for me to remember and recognize that there's no point in clinging to the past - past people, places, or things - because when it's gone it's gone. And not to let go of something when it's over just means more catching up later to the life that moved forward without you since you weren't ready yet. (and since everything works for the good of those who love Him, good riddance to what's past and gone) Dragging around the corpse of a past experience or friend- or relation- ship will serve no purpose but to weigh you down. It's easy to carry past resentments on with you, long after it ceases to be relevant to current life. I've got a few things in my life that have become obsolete. I think right now I'm going about the business of slowly getting rid of them. Like remodeling. A tiring and painstaking task but, once it's done, you can hardly recognize a space that desperately needed change. And, again, I say Good Riddance.

Wrong phone call

How dare you

1) call 5 times, in a row - out of the blue (when's the last time I heard from you?)
2) at 4:45 am
3) wake me up
4) leave two voicemails (after I didn't answer the 1-3rd time or the 4-5th time)
5) two voicemails that say the exact same message (yeah...you said that already)
6) AND not be the person I wanted to hear from.


ugh...

Unforgettable

Unforgettable, that's what you are
Unforgettable though near or far
Like a song of love that clings to me
How the thought of you does things to me
Never before has someone been more...


...That's why, darling, it's incredible
That someone so unforgettable
Thinks that I am unforgettable too.



It wasn't just my imagination :)

Here goes...

This is prob. too much information, but I'm going to write it anyway.

So I took a personality test online to pass the time. It calculated not only my personality type but also my 'love style'. Apparently, my personality type is 'Creator'- meaning i'm imaginative, sensitive, (basically, I'm creative) - and my 'love style' (if such a thing exists) is 'Sensible' - meaning I have to have things practical and reasonable when it comes to love. The profile felt the need to inform me that it is unusual to exibit characteristics of the Creator and have a Sensible love style because Creators are usually of the Romantic type. The program reconciled the difference by saying that I had very likely had my heart broken. It said I probably underwent some kind of 'evolution' to get to the point where I had this 'pragmatic' approach to love.

Ain't that a bitch? That thing knew all my business....I guess I knew that I had changed, but to have some stupid test pick that up, I started to wonder how much. And it made me kind of upset, because I used to find a lot of hope in being a romantic person. I use to believe, like the Romantics of the quiz, that "ultimately...destiny would deliver a love that most people can only dream about." And all I had to do was wrestle with my impatience.

I used to dream of that love at night and wake up feeling it could come true. But now, I dream those dreams...then I wake up and put it out of my head and call myself being realistic. But I lost something.

Sensible is boring.

But safe.

...Right?

Bad David

So recently, a guy I exchanged numbers with told me (when he called) flat out that he felt that men out-ranked women. That was our one and only conversation. His name was - could you guess from the title of the blog? - David. Dubbed, 'Bad David' to distinguish him from the several nice David's that I know. That was several weeks ago - we met at Kroger. Now, I've been back to that Kroger several times without seeing him, but today - when I wasn't in the best of moods - I stopped in for some comfort food, and guess who shouts me out at the entrance. That's right. Bad David.

I wanted to tell him that he doesn't want a girl to date, he wants someone to wipe his ass for him when his mama won't do it anymore, but instead I just said 'what's up', shot him a 'does hell go with no?' look that told him I didn't care what was up, and headed straight for the desert isle.

It might seem like I was rude, but if someone told you 'everything in life has rank, I can't imagine how you don't see it with men and women' and 'if you don't agree with me, then you need to do some more studying' and 'there are certain roles a woman has to fill' (with respect to working all day and then coming home and doing all the child-rearing, cooking and cleaning), oh and the classic 'I'm right, and you know I'm right. You just don't want to admit it.'

I'm surprised he had the nerve to speak.

Please. I need a man that can wipe his own ass.

Is it sexy? Is it sexy?!

In my new role playing the unhappy stripper, Agony Delight, I find myself wondering - as I do body rolls and dance down to the ground - is it sexy? Or do I look like a fool. The answer is, I probably look sexy to some, and like a fool to others. Attractiveness is all so relative. And, not to say I didn't realize it before, but I really see as I've gotten older that attractiveness is in the eye of the beholder. (Beauty, I still feel, is something more undeniable. In addition to my personal belief that you have to have more than looks to be beautiful, I believe that even if you aren't attracted to someone 'beautiful' you still cannot help but acknowledge that beauty.) Honestly, personality and carriage can greatly improve or completely annihilate your chances with someone. I offer the example of a situation involving a friend of mine. A guy confessed to my friend that he had a crush no her, and asked her out. As she so accurately put it (I completely understood what she was saying), she recognized that he was "empirically attractive" but conveyed that she had no actual attraction to him. And similarly, I can't tell you how many times I've come to see someone who I first recognized as not "traditionally attractive" as quite the object of my desire....

But, yea...I hope the audience is kind.

"Does Hell go with no?"

(i get it now, stan)

yes, yes it does. In order to answer the following questions:

Am I ready for children of my own? (Baby-sitting has shown this to me)
Do I feel bad about walking off from that 2 ft. tall boy at the club who tried to dance with me, and saying "I can't do this."?
Do I appreciate being dropped by one of my closest friends for no reason?
Do I enjoy the endless procession of stupid, unattractive, and/or immature boys I come across?

And would I rather be alone?

Oh sorry, that last one - that's a hell yes.

"You think it's hard trying to find a good guy, imagine how hard it is to find a good lesbian."

That's the quote of the weekend.
It's tough all over, I suppose.
Fortunately/Unfortunately, however, (fortunately because, apparently, even though a good guy is ridiculously hard to find, a good lesbian is infinitely difficult to locate; unfortunately because I so often end up having to use 'he' and 'asshole' in the same sentence), I only like men. Although, last night (Saturday) I went to a club with my friend and found myself strongly desiring not to be asked for my number. Even if I couldn't find anything overtly wrong with the guy.

I don't mean to build up walls - but I'm not trying to keep people out or trying to 'see who cares enough to break them down' as much as I'm honestly protecting some poor unsuspecting male who I might just walk all over should he give me the chance to....And I don't want to be the one to 'ruin' anybody.

Besides, I'm 22 and I have the right to want to just go dance and leave unmolested.

Ask the Lord to put some super on your natural

Currently too many personal things are going on to write about the on an online journal, so I'll just stick with the above quote.

Well, maybe I'll talk about it just a little...(although I'm still stickin w/ my quote)
Apparently, it's in style for me to spend 95% of my time alone. All of sudden everybody's off working, studying or just being weird and not returning any of my calls (which is really hurting my feelings....) But anway, you've gotta live your own life without worring about what other people are doing . So, starting Saturday - over the course of June, July and August - I will be taking 1) a belly-dancing class (hottttt!) 2) a Hip-Hop dance class 3) french lessons 4) swim class/lessons (starting in July) 5) ballroom dancing lessons (starting also in July) 6) a latin dance class (starting in July), and 7) piano lessons - as soon as I find a teacher. Catch me if you can....

TV night with Stan

Watching "NEXT"
Guy: So what did you think of me when you saw me?
Girl: Thought you were a little Metro.
Guy: I'm a little Metro....Is that a bad thing?
Girl: It's not a good thing....How long does it take you to get ready in the morning?
Guy: Well, depends on the occaision. But...a few hours.
Stan: *GASP*
Girl: Next.
Stan: He had on three shirts, all three colars popped.

later in the show....
"I'm a great girl, and I'm not afraid to stand out in a crowd." (she smiles and bears f&%cked up gril) I turn to Stan - "Woo, damn - it's a good thing she doesn't mind standing out..."


Watching an advertisement for Tom Cruise's new movie....
"Stan, do you think Tom Cruise is really going to marry Katie Holmes?"
"Why not? He married Nicole Kidman."
"What?"
"Let me tell you somethin'. Tom Cruise is gay." (Dont matter who he marries)

still later in the show....
Me: "mmm...she's not too cute."
Stan: "Yeah...but I can see those two together."
Me: "Yeah, because they're both almost-cute."

Yes, Yes

It's been awhile, I know.

So I've got my own apartment for the summer. I guess I don't mind living alone. I actually quite like it. Just like when my roommate would go out of town for several days or that time I stayed at Duke a week after Christmas break started - I keep waiting to get freaked out about being alone. But then I catch a good movie on tv or decide to make something good to eat or decide to have a 'Sex in the City' marathon and realize I quite like having the thermostat on whatever is most comfortable for me, or napping whenever I feel like it without worrying about anybody playing music (since I can't really request my roommate to turn the music down in the middle of the afternoon), or walking naked through the house if i forgot my towel, etc. etc.

Don't get me wrong though. I love my senior year roommate - we had much fun. Through everything, senior year was still so rewarding and I thank all of my friends for making that so.

The fun's just beginning....

Here you go, twin / Jehan - take my survey!

Three names you go by
1. Audrey
2. Aud
3. Ree-Ree

Three screen names you have had
1. audreycog
2. darkeyedbeauty21
3. audacity0217

Three physical things you like about yourself
1. my eyes
2. my smile
3. the way my butt looks in my jeans (not flat)

Three physical things you (dislike) about yourself
1. my legs
2. my skin
3. my height (anybody want 2 inches?)

Three parts of your heritage
1. Regular Black
2. Regular Black
3. Regular Black (I'm the descendant of American Slaves - I don't know what my heritage is although I can guess my ancestors were from a west African country and my last name comes from my white slave master/ancestor)

Three things that scare you
1. relationships
2. not trying
3. not being able to help my family

Three of your everyday essentials
1. prayer
2. earrings
3. my car keys

Three things you are wearing right now
1. green socks
2. long pajama shirt
3. a mildly sad expression

Three musical artist or bands (just three?!?)
1. Outkast
2. John Mayer
3. Debussy

Three favorite songs
1. Prototype (andre 3000)
2. Clarity (John Mayer)
3. Clair de Lune

Three things I want in a relationship
1. Fidelity
2. Friendship
3. Trust

Two truths one lie
1. I still sleep with my teddy bear (and have no intentions of stopping)
2. I'd drop Harvard Law in a second if I knew I could pursue music and be successful (As for my desire to learn about the law - that's what books and spare time are for)
3. I've never told a lie

Three things about the opposite sex that appeal to you
1. eyes
2. smile
3. that curve in the hip area - you know that curve....mmm....oh - sorry....hobbies - yeah...

Three favorite hobbies
1. singing/listening to music
2. movies
3. acting

Three things you want to do badly right now
1. Fast Forward 3 years - just to see how things pan out
2. Learn French, German, and Italian
3. find peace in every moment

Three careers you have considered
1. modeling (ha)
2. Pharmacy
3. Singer

Three places you want to go on vacation to
1. Back to Greece!
2. Australia
3. Egypt

Three kids’ names you really like
1. Jaden
2. Natasha
3. Imani

Three things you want to do before you die
1. marry my soul-mate and have healthy babies
2. travel - a lot
3. gain a lot more wisdom than I have now

Three people you want to take this survey...
1. shakeena
2. froilan
3. all you folks who read my blog but never let on

Hey!

It's actually not that bad to find out a bunch of negative things you suspected are true! Then you can stop suspecting! With me, suspecting something is so close to knowing - but I just don't have solid proof ; when I suspect - usually it's true...so it bothers me to have these thoughts in my head teetering on the edge of actuality. Damn, sounds like I will save a lot of time when I learn to trust my instincts.


Good sleep for me tonight :)

Reflection has its place

But I refuse to shed another tear about it.

I'm an adult now, and I've got too nice of a view in front of me to look back on less attractive things.

Haven't smiled that Smile in awhile

alright keena - maybe you were right, and maybe I was wrong. I'm glad I went out Friday. We had fun, and look who we stumbled across; cotton, charlie-murphy, kosum (like possum) and please-come-back-from-baghdad-in-one-piece

More importantly, I realize what's out there.

And, you, remember to call...I'll answer

can never have too much good conversation...
And you can never be flattered too much in different languages

stream of consciousness

Sometimes I worry about dancing too hard, because I know I'm supposed to know how to dance.
I worry sometimes about expressing my sensuality, because I don't want to be eroticized as the 'exotic other'. I just want to express my femininity. Sometimes I keep myself from getting an attitude, because I'm supposed to be angry and Black (The Angry Black Woman *insert neck roll and finger pop*). Sometimes I think if I were just me, I wouldn't be any of those things, but being Black in America means a lot more about how people see me than how I see myself.


Not everyone who's Republican is racist (they're just too damn conservative for my taste)
Not everyone who's a Democrat gives a shit about equality (the politicians just pretend to care to get the minority vote)
My "Blackness" is not genetic. And therefore there is no 'rhythm gene' (I had to learn how to dance)

Love's (new) Philosophy?

X: romantic love is meaningless
X: and i feel like i've been lied to all my life
X: like i'm watching a good friend die
X: that never really lived
Y: well, welcome to the club
Y: u now know what we know

It's over and I survived

Apparently, things hit me in stages.

While actions may speak louder than words, sometimes all you have to go on is what people say. Although there may be ambiguities in their behavior, if a person tells you without hesistation, straight up, this is how they feel about something - you gotta take them at that. So. Now since I've allowed myself to air out stuff that I had tucked away in boxes marked 'college', pretending there was nothing in there needing sorting out, I feel a considerable bit better. And actually better, not just pretend better. I've got me, myself, and I and a striking number of crazy (in a good way) friends in my corner who will chill with me and make me laugh (sometimes at myself) when I feel like I can't find a thing to smile about. The preacher today referred to John 20 and it struck me that Mary Magdalene - looking for Jesus' body - runs right into Jesus and doesn't recognize him (she thinks he's the gardener, and asks Jesus if He knows where they've taken her Lord.) Sometimes we are just blind to the good that's right in front of us. I mean, Mary looked right at Jesus and asked Jesus, 'Where's Jesus'.

Not that I'm saying I don't have anything to feel worried or sad about these days. I do still feel that I give a lot of good to people and get a lot less back. But those people don't matter anymore.

I'm all about enjoying my last days here at Duke (at least at this capacity)

Now, I'm wonderin how much I can get for this ring on ebay....