'Irrational' is not a dirty word

I am artistic. I am one of those people. I can't paint, and I'm not a dancer. But some of my happiest moments are witnessing the creation or performance of those mediums of art. I'm one of those sit-on-the-beach-and-watch-the-sunset-and-then-write-a-poem-about-it kinda people. I love reading beautiful words that capture how some experience made me feel. Music makes me feel like I'm flying, and if I can contribute to its creation with my voice - oh wow, I am a happy girl.

I feel intensely; I sometimes cry thinking about things that didn't even happen to me. Just thinking about a story my mom told me from when she was younger, or something hurtful that happened to a friend can make me very sad. I've watched documentaries and broken down crying in public. *sigh* I really don't like crying in public.... But what can I do? It's who I am. But I can also take a walk some days when even something small has made me happy - sometimes just the fact that I bought myself some especially beautiful lilies - and feel like the sun is shining just for me. I might be thinking of something a friend said recently, or a conversation with mom and laugh out loud in sheer pleasure. Strangers may think I'm crazy. But what can I do? It's who I am. I have pain, and I feel it; I can't pretend and make it go away. I have happiness and I can feel it shooting out of every pore. I have moments of stillness and reflection, too. Yeah it sucks to hurt so deeply when I'm hurt, but it makes the other side of those tears so much sweeter once I've come through it. I embarrass myself sometimes by how I allow myself to be hurt by people and things in my life, but I'm forgiving myself of that. It only makes it harder not to accept who I am. I'm going to be wrong about people sometimes, but I can't blame myself for wanting to believe in someone I liked or cared about. I've learned from those experiences, and all I can do is not allow myself to be treated badly once I am aware - but I can't start to think that I can pre-empt every potential hurt. I can’t; I'm going to get hurt sometimes. I am not happy about this realization, but trying constantly to protect myself from it is exhausting - and ineffective! The important thing is to keep moving forward, and to keep taking a chance on people sometimes. I'm going to feel sad about things - our environment, society, my place in this world - and I'm going to tear up in the grocery store sometimes because that is who I am. It is not rational. I wouldn't want to always be; the most beautiful things in this world are driven by irrational emotions. Loving someone isn't rational. Who in their right mind would let themselves be completely vulnerable to another human being knowing how imperfect we all are? If we reasoned out everything in our minimal capacity as human beings to understand, there would be no room for faith. Faith in other people, faith in God, faith in ourselves. If I wanted to rely on statistics and logic, a black girl raised in a single-parent home in Chicago wouldn't be where I am. But God brought me nonetheless. It wasn't logic that made my mom make a way to take care of my brother and me by herself, finish her graduate degree and still make time to take us to museums and read to us at night. Honestly, I can't find a logical reason for how she was actually able to do that. And furthermore, I can't find the logic in her trying. She tried to do the logically impossible, but make it a possible and definite reality anyway. Trust isn't rational. Not when you've been betrayed and hurt repeatedly. But you can't stop trusting everyone.

I'm going to let myself see a cookie and laugh because of the joke I have with Stan that just popped into my head, and I'll laugh until my cheeks hurt if I feel it. I'm going to let myself sit at my desk and cry for whoever it is that has touched me that night, and I'll even give myself permission to cry just for me. And I'll let myself feel every quiet moment in between where I just watch the snow fall outside my window and feel the warmth of my blanket. Because when I decide I want to live my life to its fullest, I've already accepted that I can't always be rational. And that's just fine by me.

Scrap That

After my weekend away at Harvard, I decided not to write about the other stuff that was bothering me before I left. Being away gave me a breath of fresh air. Tons of new people who I don't already know an uncomfortably large amount of information about, and tons of new people who don't already know an uncomfortably large amount of information about me. A time where I can start off making fresh decisions, where there's no one around me to tempt me into giving second chances, where I can assume the best about people, and everyone has the potential to be a new wonderful addition to my life. (and I can potentially add great things to theirs). So while I did have to talk about the Lacrosse mess with more people then I would've wanted to (because they put your undergraduate institution under your name on your ID cards....ugh), I still had a wonderful wonderful wonderful weekend. I loved being whisked around to meet new important people. I loved the faculty, administration and current students all pulling out all the stops to make me feel welcome and important. I love looking for a new place to live (although gooooodnesss graaaacious I'm going to miss living with Stanley). I love exploring a new city. I love making new friends and sitting up til 2 and 3 in the morning talking with new girlfriends about important stuff like careers and professors and silly stuff like dating and chuckling about the nerdy Harvard guys! And even though a TON of people there were married, (lol, to the point where, on the tour they took us on, someone came to me and said 'are you here alone?'), it all just made me smile because everyone there was so friendly and interesting that it made me feel more special than any guy has for, oh the past 5, 6 years. But I wasn't sad to leave because 1) I have great friends here too that I love and 2) I know it won't be too long before I get to go back :-D

Harvard, you sure know how to show a girl a good time.
You put my last 3 dates to shame.

February 14th 2006

So I'm riding on the highway around noon Feb 14th, today, Valentine's Day - for which I have no actual romantic plans, but it's cool cuz I'm thinking about all the errands I have to run before the clock strikes 5 and I'm not really thinking about Singles Awareness Day to any real degree, but nevertheless, definitely not enjoying all of the incessant reminders on the radio, in the grocery store, etc. And I'm behind one of those tow trucks towing another truck - you know, the ones that you always ride behind and look at kind of warily and think 'is this safe?' as the truck being towed sways dangerously each time the tow truck hits a pothole or some other road obstruction, but you figure, these trucks are allowed on the road all the time, so it must be alright. Well, this particular tow truck was driving too slowly for this already-rushing-sister so I put on the left turn signal, and changed lanes and the instant - the INSTANT I did - before I was even completely out of the lane - I watched a big blue tarp fly off the back of the truck being towed, and dance defiantly off to my right (after quickly shaking itself free of the obviously insubstantial strings and rope that were tying it down), followed immediately by a huge tire speeding, with reckless abandon, toward the exact position where my windshield had just been. And I thought to myself at once, Today is going to be a Wonderful Day.

Because it's always a wonderful day when you avoid having a tire fly through your windshield at 60 mph, and dodge a big blue tarp that's anxious to eradicate any hope of a clear view of the highway that you're driving down with no seatbelt on - silly girl.

And, on the more serious side, it reminded me that my Lord is always looking out for me and thinking of me. Which is always wonderful, but especially good to know today. It was like it was His way of dialing me up and saying 'just thinking of you' and wishing me a Happy Valentine’s Day, like a loving Father does. When asked by a friend of mine a week or so ago what I’d want if I could have anything for Valentine’s Day, I responded “To be thought of” and I think I got my wish.

so now I'm in a good enough mood to say it -
Happy Valentine's Day, Everyone:-)