some 'kiss my ass money' and a cell phone

Part of being an adult means that you take responsibility for the situations you allow yourself to be in. If you're in a situation that makes you uncomfortable - when you have the choice - you remove yourself from it. Some might say that I, at times, can be prideful. Even to the point of risking my safety. I admit, I am very strong-minded. When I feel pressed to make a certain decision, I honestly feel that whatever the consequences are of that decision, they will be dealt with accordingly. Therefore, I don't stress inconveniencing myself, or what others will think of my decision, or even my safety. Some might say that I need to change this outlook. I disagree. I think all I really need to do is make sure I always have some Kiss-my-ass-money and a cell phone. Kiss my ass money always has to be cash, but how much cash depends mostly on where you're going (and how far it is from home). It can be combined with other purchasing devices, but never just that. You never know that you'll be in the position to stop and use an ATM, or that your needs will be met with a credit card. This was introduced to me some years ago by my aunt. Just as I was about to leave the house to go out with some friends, she pressed some extra cash into my hand and told me "Take this. You always need to have some extra cash with you when you go out with people, in case anything happens. I like to call it Kiss my ass money, because you never know when you're going to have to tell someone to kiss your ass, and then get out of their car." There are different derivatives of the scenario she described; it could be as simple as a "you go ahead without me" and finding your own way back home, or as complex as being in another city with nowhere to stay (which actually happened to me once...) The point is, I can take care of myself. And I don't have to stay anywhere or do anything that makes me uncomfortable, and I don't have to depend on anyone's help in order for me to be able to remove myself from a less than ideal situation. It's good to be prepared. She was right; You just never know.

A song for a friend

La Douleur Esquisite (The Esquisite Pain)

I didn't call because I missed you
I didn't come because I knew I wanted to
I left so quickly since I wanted to stay there
I stayed away since I desired to be near

I woke up early as you wandered through my dreams
I wouldn't let myself think what the dream could mean
And then my heart asks, why not give myself to you?
I fight my heart; I always lose

I say hello, I never want to say goodbye
I always smile but worry you might make me cry
I try to run from it, but what else can I do....
I fight my heart; I always lose

Grace & The Good-Confused Guy

Besides the grace I offered to myself and to my friend (good thing I gave her grace. She definitely used it), I gave grace to a third person this weekend who shall remain nameless. yeah. you definitely got grace.

So anyway, I was recently reminded of an article that was in the Talking Drum (a Duke undergraduate publication) a year or two ago. It outlined the kinds of guys as (I might be missing one, but these three are pretty interesting) The Player, the Genuinely-Good Guy, and the Good-Confused Guy. The player usually just puts it out there right from the start; I'm not about trying to have a serious relationship, I'm just trying to have a good time, etc. The Genuinely-Good Guy is the one that gets over-looked. Think about the cute, fun, funny and pretty much all around great guy that you know that you just don't want even though you can't articulate why. The Good-Confused Guy, however, is a good guy at heart, but he is - as the name implies - confused. He is unclear about what he wants - a relationship or dating, distance or no distance, you or someone else, etc. This guy is the most dangerous because, since he's a good guy, you feel safe with him; you don't expect a good person to hurt you for no clear reason. Also, this guy, since there's good in him, makes you hold out hope that you wouldn't hold out for a 'player'; he'll get over his confusion, he'll come around, he'll chose me over that hook-up etc. The fact of the matter is that you never know what a confused good guy is going to do.
Just like most women, I often happen to find myself attracted to the Good-Confused Guy. That's something I definitely need to work on.

The Grace Period

I find it helpful, when a friend first enters a new relationship, to give them a grace period where you accept that you will not be as important as their new beau. Accepting that up-front will avoid any loss of respect for your friend now, and any feelings of resentment towards him or her later - when they remember you and come back. It also allows them to enjoy - guilt free - the simplest part of the relationship; the beginning. On the selfish side, however, it also gives you a free 'absorb-myself-in-my-new-man-for-awhile' card when your time comes. So I recognize that. On the giving, understanding side, and on the selfish side. But I sure do miss them while I'm giving them grace.

In other news in my life, I tasted jealousy recently. (Not jealousy of my friend and her new beau - these are completely different situations. My jealousy recently wasn't even pointed directly at one person) But, I actually tasted it and it is bitter and hard to swallow. I don't like the flavor and I've been trying to get the taste out of my mouth. The bitterness is affecting the enjoyment of some of the other things in which I partake. I don't consider myself a jealous person, but sometimes it can be hard to fight off. I think the reason it can be so difficult to overcome is because we often don't want to admit we're jealous. So it just lies there - tucked away - and festers. And gets worse. Thus, I've decided to admit to myself that the flavor wasn't just 'I was tired that day' or 'I was just thinking too hard about the situation'. Because the fact of the matter is, I had plenty of sleep. And I didn't have to think about it very hard at all before I got JEALOUS. I admit it. I am straight up, no lie, frank, open, and honest Jealous. Now, I'll give myself a grace period. To do one of the hardest things there is to do when you feel passed over, forgotten about or left behind; Get over it. And I'll give myself this grace period up front. That way I can avoid any loss of respect for myself now. And any feelings of resentment towards myself (or anybody else) later. Although I must say, I sure will miss the taste of normal life while I'm giving myself grace.

"I do have my likes and dislikes"

Hmm...I like this...

New Favorite
word: 'jive'
activity: goin to the movies by myself
person: MatPat
feeling: Being over it
quotes: "Don't wanna press rewind and play myself again."

Arrest And Development

So, Stanley says 2005 was the year of the 'cool' for him and next year will be the year of the 'rage'. (If you want to know what that means you should ask him) But it got me thinking. 2005 was an eventful year - something to reflect on. Especially since it's alllllmost over. So I thought about it and I've decided that 2005 was the year of Arrest and Development.

Arrest v.:
1. To stop; check
2. To seize and hold under the authority of law.
3. To capture and hold briefly (the attention, for example); engage.

Development n.:
1. The act of developing.
2. The state of being developed.
3. A significant event, occurrence, or change.
4. Determination of the best techniques for applying a new device or process

Music.
5. Elaboration of a theme with rhythmic and harmonic variations.
The central section of a movement in sonata form, in which the theme
is elaborated and explored.

(Yes, most of my experience under 'Arrest' involves the stopping, checking, and being held in place by a Higher Authority, but I can think of a couple of guys who captured and briefly held my attention;)

But in all seriousness, this year saw a lot of change. A lot of needed change. It made me take a pause to look around me. It placed me on a path that, to the naked eye, I wasn't on course for. And although it hurt a lot, growing usually does. And it's also very exciting to stop for a moment to prepare for big things. This year was a year for Arrest and Development; I had to get rid (and am still in the process of getting rid) of some things within myself and within the world I allowed myself to dwell in. Next year is the year to reap the benefits of all God sat me down and taught me. Not that I'm saying the learning stops - I know much more now, but I have plenty left to learn :) There were just a few things I had to find out - 911. This year was a year where I had to cling to my hope and faith, until I could learn to live by them. Next year, armed with these new strengths and this new knowledge, is when I begin great adventures. Next year is when I begin to Live.

Stupid Love Style Test

I took that damn personality/love style test four times (the one that said I now have a 'Sensible love style' because I had my heart-broken), trying to prove to it that I am indeed a Romantic and no roller-coaster ride college-relationship took that from me. Do you know it told me all four times that I am Sensible? (And had the nerve to try to remind me that I must've had my heart-broken. Yes i know. I didn't forget. Thanks.) I was even trying to answer questions differently that I thought would give me more 'romance' points, but it still kept telling me I'm Sensible. Sensible's boring. I've decided. I'm a Romantic, damnit. And I'll live and die as one. I don't care if it's not safe; you can't live your whole life being 'safe'. I'm decided. So shouldn't that know-it-all test be able to pick that up?

After about the third or fourth time, I started to realize which questions were losing the battle for me. Things like "He's not the right person unless I feel constant euphoria around him," "I feel comfortable opening up to romantic partners". These are both examples of things I didn't want to go to extremes on. Yea, you've gotta feel good around your soul mate - but I mean, come on. I couldn't genuinely say that I think you have to feel euphoria all the time. This is a relationship with another human being we're talking about, not a trip on Ecstasy. And that means sometimes you're going to have a disagreement, or need time to yourself. Not kicking and screaming and throwing stuff. But not the emotional equivalent of a mood-enhancing drug. And yea, you've got to be able to open up and trust your true love, but you can't go around treating everyone like they qualify. Not everyone deserves to know all your personal business. I'll admit it. I have been guilty of being an emotional slut (a term I adopted from 'Sex and the City' ;)) - I told too much too soon. It causes unecessary complications (just like doing too much of other stuff too soon), and I think it's a good thing to avoid. It's true that when I was younger I probably would've answered these questions differently. Does that mean I'm not Romantic anymore? No. It means I'm not in a state of perpetual emotional infancy. People learn and grow (at least they should). Does it mean that I've undergone some irrevocable damage at the hands of a careless lover? No. It means that I've learned from it. We're talking about Romantics here - not idiots. So, yes, I've outgrown my teenage naiveté, my childish innocence, my belief in the tooth-fairy. But somehow I still maintain a sense of wonder, a sort of knowledgeable-innocence (that comes from a combination of negative experiences and hope), and a solid belief in real-life fairy tales.

I'm a Sensible Romantic. And that's real.


Love Style Test - I Scoff at Thee.

Life moves swiftly forward. With or without you

And at times, at the point I'm at in my life right now, it seems it's moving without me. But in my more reflective (and less emotional) moments, I think I'm getting more accomplished than I will recognize until much later. But the point of my above statement is to serve as encouragement for me to remember and recognize that there's no point in clinging to the past - past people, places, or things - because when it's gone it's gone. And not to let go of something when it's over just means more catching up later to the life that moved forward without you since you weren't ready yet. (and since everything works for the good of those who love Him, good riddance to what's past and gone) Dragging around the corpse of a past experience or friend- or relation- ship will serve no purpose but to weigh you down. It's easy to carry past resentments on with you, long after it ceases to be relevant to current life. I've got a few things in my life that have become obsolete. I think right now I'm going about the business of slowly getting rid of them. Like remodeling. A tiring and painstaking task but, once it's done, you can hardly recognize a space that desperately needed change. And, again, I say Good Riddance.

Wrong phone call

How dare you

1) call 5 times, in a row - out of the blue (when's the last time I heard from you?)
2) at 4:45 am
3) wake me up
4) leave two voicemails (after I didn't answer the 1-3rd time or the 4-5th time)
5) two voicemails that say the exact same message (yeah...you said that already)
6) AND not be the person I wanted to hear from.


ugh...

Unforgettable

Unforgettable, that's what you are
Unforgettable though near or far
Like a song of love that clings to me
How the thought of you does things to me
Never before has someone been more...


...That's why, darling, it's incredible
That someone so unforgettable
Thinks that I am unforgettable too.



It wasn't just my imagination :)

Here goes...

This is prob. too much information, but I'm going to write it anyway.

So I took a personality test online to pass the time. It calculated not only my personality type but also my 'love style'. Apparently, my personality type is 'Creator'- meaning i'm imaginative, sensitive, (basically, I'm creative) - and my 'love style' (if such a thing exists) is 'Sensible' - meaning I have to have things practical and reasonable when it comes to love. The profile felt the need to inform me that it is unusual to exibit characteristics of the Creator and have a Sensible love style because Creators are usually of the Romantic type. The program reconciled the difference by saying that I had very likely had my heart broken. It said I probably underwent some kind of 'evolution' to get to the point where I had this 'pragmatic' approach to love.

Ain't that a bitch? That thing knew all my business....I guess I knew that I had changed, but to have some stupid test pick that up, I started to wonder how much. And it made me kind of upset, because I used to find a lot of hope in being a romantic person. I use to believe, like the Romantics of the quiz, that "ultimately...destiny would deliver a love that most people can only dream about." And all I had to do was wrestle with my impatience.

I used to dream of that love at night and wake up feeling it could come true. But now, I dream those dreams...then I wake up and put it out of my head and call myself being realistic. But I lost something.

Sensible is boring.

But safe.

...Right?

Bad David

So recently, a guy I exchanged numbers with told me (when he called) flat out that he felt that men out-ranked women. That was our one and only conversation. His name was - could you guess from the title of the blog? - David. Dubbed, 'Bad David' to distinguish him from the several nice David's that I know. That was several weeks ago - we met at Kroger. Now, I've been back to that Kroger several times without seeing him, but today - when I wasn't in the best of moods - I stopped in for some comfort food, and guess who shouts me out at the entrance. That's right. Bad David.

I wanted to tell him that he doesn't want a girl to date, he wants someone to wipe his ass for him when his mama won't do it anymore, but instead I just said 'what's up', shot him a 'does hell go with no?' look that told him I didn't care what was up, and headed straight for the desert isle.

It might seem like I was rude, but if someone told you 'everything in life has rank, I can't imagine how you don't see it with men and women' and 'if you don't agree with me, then you need to do some more studying' and 'there are certain roles a woman has to fill' (with respect to working all day and then coming home and doing all the child-rearing, cooking and cleaning), oh and the classic 'I'm right, and you know I'm right. You just don't want to admit it.'

I'm surprised he had the nerve to speak.

Please. I need a man that can wipe his own ass.

Is it sexy? Is it sexy?!

In my new role playing the unhappy stripper, Agony Delight, I find myself wondering - as I do body rolls and dance down to the ground - is it sexy? Or do I look like a fool. The answer is, I probably look sexy to some, and like a fool to others. Attractiveness is all so relative. And, not to say I didn't realize it before, but I really see as I've gotten older that attractiveness is in the eye of the beholder. (Beauty, I still feel, is something more undeniable. In addition to my personal belief that you have to have more than looks to be beautiful, I believe that even if you aren't attracted to someone 'beautiful' you still cannot help but acknowledge that beauty.) Honestly, personality and carriage can greatly improve or completely annihilate your chances with someone. I offer the example of a situation involving a friend of mine. A guy confessed to my friend that he had a crush no her, and asked her out. As she so accurately put it (I completely understood what she was saying), she recognized that he was "empirically attractive" but conveyed that she had no actual attraction to him. And similarly, I can't tell you how many times I've come to see someone who I first recognized as not "traditionally attractive" as quite the object of my desire....

But, yea...I hope the audience is kind.

"Does Hell go with no?"

(i get it now, stan)

yes, yes it does. In order to answer the following questions:

Am I ready for children of my own? (Baby-sitting has shown this to me)
Do I feel bad about walking off from that 2 ft. tall boy at the club who tried to dance with me, and saying "I can't do this."?
Do I appreciate being dropped by one of my closest friends for no reason?
Do I enjoy the endless procession of stupid, unattractive, and/or immature boys I come across?

And would I rather be alone?

Oh sorry, that last one - that's a hell yes.

"You think it's hard trying to find a good guy, imagine how hard it is to find a good lesbian."

That's the quote of the weekend.
It's tough all over, I suppose.
Fortunately/Unfortunately, however, (fortunately because, apparently, even though a good guy is ridiculously hard to find, a good lesbian is infinitely difficult to locate; unfortunately because I so often end up having to use 'he' and 'asshole' in the same sentence), I only like men. Although, last night (Saturday) I went to a club with my friend and found myself strongly desiring not to be asked for my number. Even if I couldn't find anything overtly wrong with the guy.

I don't mean to build up walls - but I'm not trying to keep people out or trying to 'see who cares enough to break them down' as much as I'm honestly protecting some poor unsuspecting male who I might just walk all over should he give me the chance to....And I don't want to be the one to 'ruin' anybody.

Besides, I'm 22 and I have the right to want to just go dance and leave unmolested.

Ask the Lord to put some super on your natural

Currently too many personal things are going on to write about the on an online journal, so I'll just stick with the above quote.

Well, maybe I'll talk about it just a little...(although I'm still stickin w/ my quote)
Apparently, it's in style for me to spend 95% of my time alone. All of sudden everybody's off working, studying or just being weird and not returning any of my calls (which is really hurting my feelings....) But anway, you've gotta live your own life without worring about what other people are doing . So, starting Saturday - over the course of June, July and August - I will be taking 1) a belly-dancing class (hottttt!) 2) a Hip-Hop dance class 3) french lessons 4) swim class/lessons (starting in July) 5) ballroom dancing lessons (starting also in July) 6) a latin dance class (starting in July), and 7) piano lessons - as soon as I find a teacher. Catch me if you can....

TV night with Stan

Watching "NEXT"
Guy: So what did you think of me when you saw me?
Girl: Thought you were a little Metro.
Guy: I'm a little Metro....Is that a bad thing?
Girl: It's not a good thing....How long does it take you to get ready in the morning?
Guy: Well, depends on the occaision. But...a few hours.
Stan: *GASP*
Girl: Next.
Stan: He had on three shirts, all three colars popped.

later in the show....
"I'm a great girl, and I'm not afraid to stand out in a crowd." (she smiles and bears f&%cked up gril) I turn to Stan - "Woo, damn - it's a good thing she doesn't mind standing out..."


Watching an advertisement for Tom Cruise's new movie....
"Stan, do you think Tom Cruise is really going to marry Katie Holmes?"
"Why not? He married Nicole Kidman."
"What?"
"Let me tell you somethin'. Tom Cruise is gay." (Dont matter who he marries)

still later in the show....
Me: "mmm...she's not too cute."
Stan: "Yeah...but I can see those two together."
Me: "Yeah, because they're both almost-cute."

Yes, Yes

It's been awhile, I know.

So I've got my own apartment for the summer. I guess I don't mind living alone. I actually quite like it. Just like when my roommate would go out of town for several days or that time I stayed at Duke a week after Christmas break started - I keep waiting to get freaked out about being alone. But then I catch a good movie on tv or decide to make something good to eat or decide to have a 'Sex in the City' marathon and realize I quite like having the thermostat on whatever is most comfortable for me, or napping whenever I feel like it without worrying about anybody playing music (since I can't really request my roommate to turn the music down in the middle of the afternoon), or walking naked through the house if i forgot my towel, etc. etc.

Don't get me wrong though. I love my senior year roommate - we had much fun. Through everything, senior year was still so rewarding and I thank all of my friends for making that so.

The fun's just beginning....

Here you go, twin / Jehan - take my survey!

Three names you go by
1. Audrey
2. Aud
3. Ree-Ree

Three screen names you have had
1. audreycog
2. darkeyedbeauty21
3. audacity0217

Three physical things you like about yourself
1. my eyes
2. my smile
3. the way my butt looks in my jeans (not flat)

Three physical things you (dislike) about yourself
1. my legs
2. my skin
3. my height (anybody want 2 inches?)

Three parts of your heritage
1. Regular Black
2. Regular Black
3. Regular Black (I'm the descendant of American Slaves - I don't know what my heritage is although I can guess my ancestors were from a west African country and my last name comes from my white slave master/ancestor)

Three things that scare you
1. relationships
2. not trying
3. not being able to help my family

Three of your everyday essentials
1. prayer
2. earrings
3. my car keys

Three things you are wearing right now
1. green socks
2. long pajama shirt
3. a mildly sad expression

Three musical artist or bands (just three?!?)
1. Outkast
2. John Mayer
3. Debussy

Three favorite songs
1. Prototype (andre 3000)
2. Clarity (John Mayer)
3. Clair de Lune

Three things I want in a relationship
1. Fidelity
2. Friendship
3. Trust

Two truths one lie
1. I still sleep with my teddy bear (and have no intentions of stopping)
2. I'd drop Harvard Law in a second if I knew I could pursue music and be successful (As for my desire to learn about the law - that's what books and spare time are for)
3. I've never told a lie

Three things about the opposite sex that appeal to you
1. eyes
2. smile
3. that curve in the hip area - you know that curve....mmm....oh - sorry....hobbies - yeah...

Three favorite hobbies
1. singing/listening to music
2. movies
3. acting

Three things you want to do badly right now
1. Fast Forward 3 years - just to see how things pan out
2. Learn French, German, and Italian
3. find peace in every moment

Three careers you have considered
1. modeling (ha)
2. Pharmacy
3. Singer

Three places you want to go on vacation to
1. Back to Greece!
2. Australia
3. Egypt

Three kids’ names you really like
1. Jaden
2. Natasha
3. Imani

Three things you want to do before you die
1. marry my soul-mate and have healthy babies
2. travel - a lot
3. gain a lot more wisdom than I have now

Three people you want to take this survey...
1. shakeena
2. froilan
3. all you folks who read my blog but never let on

Hey!

It's actually not that bad to find out a bunch of negative things you suspected are true! Then you can stop suspecting! With me, suspecting something is so close to knowing - but I just don't have solid proof ; when I suspect - usually it's true...so it bothers me to have these thoughts in my head teetering on the edge of actuality. Damn, sounds like I will save a lot of time when I learn to trust my instincts.


Good sleep for me tonight :)