'Irrational' is not a dirty word

I am artistic. I am one of those people. I can't paint, and I'm not a dancer. But some of my happiest moments are witnessing the creation or performance of those mediums of art. I'm one of those sit-on-the-beach-and-watch-the-sunset-and-then-write-a-poem-about-it kinda people. I love reading beautiful words that capture how some experience made me feel. Music makes me feel like I'm flying, and if I can contribute to its creation with my voice - oh wow, I am a happy girl.

I feel intensely; I sometimes cry thinking about things that didn't even happen to me. Just thinking about a story my mom told me from when she was younger, or something hurtful that happened to a friend can make me very sad. I've watched documentaries and broken down crying in public. *sigh* I really don't like crying in public.... But what can I do? It's who I am. But I can also take a walk some days when even something small has made me happy - sometimes just the fact that I bought myself some especially beautiful lilies - and feel like the sun is shining just for me. I might be thinking of something a friend said recently, or a conversation with mom and laugh out loud in sheer pleasure. Strangers may think I'm crazy. But what can I do? It's who I am. I have pain, and I feel it; I can't pretend and make it go away. I have happiness and I can feel it shooting out of every pore. I have moments of stillness and reflection, too. Yeah it sucks to hurt so deeply when I'm hurt, but it makes the other side of those tears so much sweeter once I've come through it. I embarrass myself sometimes by how I allow myself to be hurt by people and things in my life, but I'm forgiving myself of that. It only makes it harder not to accept who I am. I'm going to be wrong about people sometimes, but I can't blame myself for wanting to believe in someone I liked or cared about. I've learned from those experiences, and all I can do is not allow myself to be treated badly once I am aware - but I can't start to think that I can pre-empt every potential hurt. I can’t; I'm going to get hurt sometimes. I am not happy about this realization, but trying constantly to protect myself from it is exhausting - and ineffective! The important thing is to keep moving forward, and to keep taking a chance on people sometimes. I'm going to feel sad about things - our environment, society, my place in this world - and I'm going to tear up in the grocery store sometimes because that is who I am. It is not rational. I wouldn't want to always be; the most beautiful things in this world are driven by irrational emotions. Loving someone isn't rational. Who in their right mind would let themselves be completely vulnerable to another human being knowing how imperfect we all are? If we reasoned out everything in our minimal capacity as human beings to understand, there would be no room for faith. Faith in other people, faith in God, faith in ourselves. If I wanted to rely on statistics and logic, a black girl raised in a single-parent home in Chicago wouldn't be where I am. But God brought me nonetheless. It wasn't logic that made my mom make a way to take care of my brother and me by herself, finish her graduate degree and still make time to take us to museums and read to us at night. Honestly, I can't find a logical reason for how she was actually able to do that. And furthermore, I can't find the logic in her trying. She tried to do the logically impossible, but make it a possible and definite reality anyway. Trust isn't rational. Not when you've been betrayed and hurt repeatedly. But you can't stop trusting everyone.

I'm going to let myself see a cookie and laugh because of the joke I have with Stan that just popped into my head, and I'll laugh until my cheeks hurt if I feel it. I'm going to let myself sit at my desk and cry for whoever it is that has touched me that night, and I'll even give myself permission to cry just for me. And I'll let myself feel every quiet moment in between where I just watch the snow fall outside my window and feel the warmth of my blanket. Because when I decide I want to live my life to its fullest, I've already accepted that I can't always be rational. And that's just fine by me.

On Instincts

The other morning I woke up to a loud, rhythmic bed-creaking sound coming through the wall from my neighbor's apartment. It was not the first time. Glancing at the clock, I noticed that it was 7 am. My instinct was to yell loudly "I can hear you having sex!" repeatedly and bang on the wall like a crazy person until they stopped. But I quickly realized that would only make me look ridiculous, and make our exchanges by the mailboxes awkward and uncomfortable. Plus it would've really hurt my hand.

Sometimes you can't go with your instincts.

While it was clear to me that I shouldn't make things worse by screaming through my bedroom wall, it's not always so easy to know what's a good instinct and what's not. In the past, I have had a lot of trouble when it came to this and friendships. But now, through a combination of holding back in my friendships at first (yay for building walls!), and actually having a few good people who I can really bare my soul to, I have learned how to let friendships form or pass away depending on how life works out. But romantic relationships are different. I've never had a good one, so it's not like friendship where I can say "This is what a good friendship looks like" and act accordingly. I have no frame of reference. And while I've grown when it comes to being able to trust people as friends, I'm still pretty wary of guys, which makes it even harder to trust my instincts with them. Because with them it comes down to the question of whether it's truly instinct, or just fear.

Every time something has gone wrong with a guy in the past 6 years, I've felt like I saw it coming. I had a dream the night before I discovered my ex cheated on me. I guess God was like, '*Sigh* It's time for you to know. You're not going to find out any other way *shakes head*. So I'm just going to spell it out for you'. Other times were more subtle. It was just a pause in a conversation, or a tone of voice, or an excuse that could have been completely valid that just didn't sit right. Or a pat-hug. HA. (I hate pat-hugs) Friends would tell me I was 'Girling'; stressing too hard about nothing. But then it happened. Herein lies the problem. I kinda have a sense when it's about to go down.

But I wonder…do I really?? I am constantly aware of the potential for disaster when I date a guy these days. Even if nothing is wrong yet. It drives my friends crazy, but what can I say? The last time I wasn't constantly aware was in my college relationship and whoooooa did that teach me a lesson. And my experiences since then have affirmed that you have to be prepared; don’t be surprised at what's coming out of nowhere. I know now that no matter WHAT's happening right now - no matter how cute the email or text is that I just got, or how much we laughed or marveled at *gasp* how much we have in common, or how sincere his eyes seemed when I looked up at him and smiled - tomorrow it could all be different. My friends ask if I have plans for the weekend, and I can't just say 'yeah'; it's 'yea. unless he doesn't call' or 'yea, if we're still dating' or 'yea...if he's still interested' and they think that I am ridiculous. They ask, 'what about you, what about if you're still interested'. I say, I'm steady. I know who I like, who I don't like. And if I don't know, I'm figuring it out pretty fast. And I realize that my desire to take things slow is not so much so I can figure out what I want, as much as it is for me to figure out if the other person is crazy. I expect the Crazy to come out at any moment. And I want to be as far away emotionally as possible when it does. My friends marvel at how I can go around thinking that so much could change in just a day. And on the occasions where a friend has been able to get me to think that maybe I am just stressing unnecessarily and being silly….I give it 48 hours. Tops. Then I have to call them to share the newest let-down news of the un-dateable guy who was merely dressing up and playing the role of someone I could actually like, and they don't know what to say. I mumble ‘…see? …I called it…’ through my disappointment. The sad part is it doesn't make it feel any better to have been right. But adding a caveat to every answer to any question about the guy I'm dating/seeing so that I can't ever say "Yes. I have a lunch date tomorrow. Tomorrow at 1pm, I will be at lunch." ...doesn't sound like instinct. Sounds like fear. But what do you call fear...when it keeps coming true?

Spring Break '07: My Apartment

I cannot believe it's almost April and my 1L year is almost over. I've decided to use this break to try and get a balance of rest and work. I've given myself allllll weekend to do nothing but sit in my apartment and eat, watch movies, take the occaisional walk when it's decent outside etc. No work. It's only been a day and a half (no Friday classes! yay!) and already I feel better. Between that link to the website with all the scrubs episodes from every season, sex and the city and movies on demand, and quickly diminshing reserves of ice cream, I am having a great time. When the weekend is over I might have to make a trip to the gym because right now I reek of sloth, but I deserve a break. I think I will also use this time to write a little, because I don't feel as if I really wrote enough in here during my 1L year and now it's almost over. I'm surprised to feel sadness at writing that line. How long ago was it when I was considering leaving law school for a year and teaching English in some random country?

Currently I am watching Batman Begins and wondering how in the world it is that Christian Bale got so hot. Quickly my mind thinks to the statistical probability of ever encountering a man like that in real life.

Anyway, I feel that I should write something about Parody since it took up so much of my life this past month. It was great. I think I showed my legs more during the run of the show than I have in the last 17 years of my life (I think it was at approximately 7 that I got shame.) The short of it is that I survived. And now random people come up to me around the law school and tell me how incredibly long my legs are. I usually replace 'incredibly' with 'ridiculously' when I think about them, but it's nice that I took a risk and no one mocked me openly lol. I suppose they (the legs) are not so bad.

Ok, enough for now. Christian's doing push-ups.

24

I am now as old as there are hours in a day. What does that mean? I hope 24 means a lot of things. I hope my "24" poem comes true (the one I shared with a few people), and this year I'll have more discernment. (Something one can always have more of) I hope it means a year of finally being able to help my family and of finally having more secure finances. I hope it means really knowing what to be thankful for, and continuing on my journey to be true to myself, to be good to myself, to share my time with loving, positive people. I hope it means letting go of my nonsense, and everyone else's. And knowing how to do these things without becoming cold. But, if I start to, I look forward to many warm hugs from family and friends, and many sweet serenades from my niece to thaw me out:)

It was a great birthday. I felt very loved.

Ain't Gotta Lie to Kick It

In high school, my best friend and I quoted that one all the time.

I re-read a few of my old posts tonight, and I found this passage. Still rings true :)

"....The Player, the Genuinely-Good Guy, and the Good-Confused Guy. The player usually just puts it out there right from the start; I'm not about trying to have a serious relationship, I'm just trying to have a good time, etc. The Genuinely-Good Guy is the one that gets over-looked. Think about the cute, fun, funny and pretty much all around great guy that you know that you just don't want even though you can't articulate why. The Good-Confused Guy, however, is a good guy at heart, but he is - as the name implies - confused. He is unclear about what he wants - a relationship or dating, distance or no distance, you or someone else, etc. This guy is the most dangerous because, since he's a good guy, you feel safe with him; you don't expect a good person to hurt you for no clear reason. Also, this guy, since there's good in him, makes you hold out hope that you wouldn't hold out for a 'player'; he'll get over his confusion, he'll [stop sending mixed signals] etc. The fact of the matter is that you never know what a confused good guy is going to do." Because they don't even know.

The problem is sometimes you don't even know you're dealing w/ a confused one. Especially if you're confused yourself. And sometimes The Player pretends to be Good just to throw you off.

So what's the solution? The Genuinely Good guy? Ha, no. Go for the obvious player. He knows he ain't gotta lie to kick it. You know exactly what to expect ;-)

WELL. I'M HAPPY I ENTERTAIN YOU.

No...really, I am! Is it strange that twice in the last week I've been at a big dinner (one was Thanksgiving dinner, one was a dinner at a friend's house earlier tonight) where at some point, everyone demanded I sing? When I was younger I got really nervous about it but I guess I don't really have a problem with singing for people anymore; I really will sing on request. Why should I not? I love to sing. My only stipulation is not to sing on request when I feel it would be obnoxious. For example, a new friend requested a song while we were in the Hark (basically HLS's student center - cafeteria, study areas, mailboxes etc) and I declined b/c no one likes that person who would have said yes and starting singing and interrupting everyone in the room. I'm already bad enough about drifting off into Audrey-land and singing in public sometimes without thinking. (I keep getting caught singing in the elevator when the doors open and someone is unexpectedly standing there. I wonder what my neighbors think of me when I'm like 'O MIO BABBINO CARO, MI PI-ohgod! um. Ahem. ......Good Morning.') My thing with singing at the dinners was that I felt kind of as though it was unfair of me to demand everyone's attention. We're all just hanging out drinking wine and then suddenly I'm supposed to stand at the front of the room and everybody's supposed to pay attention to Audrey. I no longer feel nervous about my voice. I sing in the tunnels here all of the time. (Underground tunnels that go from building to bulding in the law school) I do feel nervous about demanding everyone's attention, like there's probably that one person who would was really enjoying the conversation they were having before I ruined it and started singing art songs. But, my friend's mom was here from Korea and made us all such a lovely dinner, so I said I would sing for her as thanks.

Afterwards, someone asked me if I could do either, sing for a living successfully or be a lawyer, which would I choose? And I answered honestly that I would sing. Because it's true. I don't think I've loved anything I've ever done as much as I love the music I've helped to create or perform. We then spent about half an hour with them trying to convince me that I should pursue it. They all looked like they so earnestly believed I could do it, which is sweet. But it honestly always kind of hurts to hear it...because I really wish I could. And I would if I thought I could make it. Maybe the reason I'm hesistant to sing is not beause I feel guilty when everyone is paying attention; maybe it's just that I fear this very conversation will follow, and I'll have to play the part of dream-crusher to my own dreams and say it's not realistic when I really wish it were.

Wow...has it really been that long?

Well in my last post I was raving about Harvard and not-dating...and while one may expect me to have a dramatically different mind-set 5 months and a ton of new experiences later, I suppose the old adage 'the more things change, the more they stay the same' is rather applicable. Although maybe that saying is too simplistic; things definitely do seem to be changing and not staying the same. It's barely been two weeks since orientation and I'm still getting a feel for the place but there are already things I've been disappointed by, and already things that are surprisingly better than I expected. I'm also realizing how much I've changed since college, since being in a brand new place against a new backdrop of people can kind of make you realize those sorts of things. Well, I'm being uber-irresponsible writing this while I should be writing a Memo for Legal Writing, so I will stop there for now - unfortunately not really conveying anything substantial - and leave with the promise of more once I get a chance to catch my breath (which will hopefully be before next summer).

Scrap That

After my weekend away at Harvard, I decided not to write about the other stuff that was bothering me before I left. Being away gave me a breath of fresh air. Tons of new people who I don't already know an uncomfortably large amount of information about, and tons of new people who don't already know an uncomfortably large amount of information about me. A time where I can start off making fresh decisions, where there's no one around me to tempt me into giving second chances, where I can assume the best about people, and everyone has the potential to be a new wonderful addition to my life. (and I can potentially add great things to theirs). So while I did have to talk about the Lacrosse mess with more people then I would've wanted to (because they put your undergraduate institution under your name on your ID cards....ugh), I still had a wonderful wonderful wonderful weekend. I loved being whisked around to meet new important people. I loved the faculty, administration and current students all pulling out all the stops to make me feel welcome and important. I love looking for a new place to live (although gooooodnesss graaaacious I'm going to miss living with Stanley). I love exploring a new city. I love making new friends and sitting up til 2 and 3 in the morning talking with new girlfriends about important stuff like careers and professors and silly stuff like dating and chuckling about the nerdy Harvard guys! And even though a TON of people there were married, (lol, to the point where, on the tour they took us on, someone came to me and said 'are you here alone?'), it all just made me smile because everyone there was so friendly and interesting that it made me feel more special than any guy has for, oh the past 5, 6 years. But I wasn't sad to leave because 1) I have great friends here too that I love and 2) I know it won't be too long before I get to go back :-D

Harvard, you sure know how to show a girl a good time.
You put my last 3 dates to shame.

My Desiderata

My Dictionary.com Word of The Day (yes. I get a word of the day in my email. Read: Nerd) was recently Desiderata. Actually, it was Desideratum (to quote dictionary.com - Something desired or considered necessary. Desideratum is from Latin desideratum, "a thing desired," from desiderare, "to desire.") but I’ve always liked the plural better. It makes me think of my desires and desired things. Plural. So I don’t have to choose just one.

Okay, so maybe I don’t want to choose one, but, lately, I've been thinking I should at least narrow it down a little bit. It's fun to pursue my desires, but I need to prioritize them - for real. I'm starting my second job this Sunday, and I have to teach FOUR HOUR LONG lsat classes (sometimes four and a half) twice a week - so very soon it will be time to stop the bullsh*t-late-night-stayin-up-for-no-reason. Not to mention, it's go-time on Financial Aid for HLS and I need to start making trips up to Cambridge to look for a place to live. I've gotta figure out what I'm doing for health insurance for the next three years, I've gotta defer my undergraduate loans, I need to save to pay my Student Contribution this fall and secure loans for the rest of it. These are things that I really haven't been paying enough attention to because I've been taking for granted how much time I have left to do them....But I can't live all my last moments here in Durham in preparation for leaving. And I want to travel - my best friend and I want to take a cruise; I want to visit friends in London this summer; I've been meaning to make road trips to ATL to chill with some of my girls from college. I want to meet new people and go new places (like I'll be doing in the fall) and have fun but at the same time I want to enjoy every moment of the familiar because soon I'll be dealing with so much of the unknown. I know I sound like a college senior....but it's true when they say a year really isn't that long and that it sneaks up on you. There's more I wanted to do in this time off. But, I must remember two lessons from the end of undergrad: First, this year is over - but, praise God, my LIFE isn't. People started doing crazy, stupid stuff at the end of senior year like "I’ve got to. It's my last chance to (insert foolishness here)." Seize the day, yes, but there's no need for me to act like life is ending. God willing, I'll be able to take that latin dance class, or take voice lessons, later if I still want to. Second, it's extremely difficult, if not impossible, to find the time to do Everything on a list of Everything I Wanted To Do Before I Leave when I'm given such a limited period of time. The trick I learned from last year is not to feel like I've failed because I can't check everything off of that list of 'what I planned to fill my time with this year', but rather just to make sure that what I actually end up filling my time with are things that I sincerely enjoy....
That, or filling out the FAFSA - cuz I really need to get that shit done.

February 14th 2006

So I'm riding on the highway around noon Feb 14th, today, Valentine's Day - for which I have no actual romantic plans, but it's cool cuz I'm thinking about all the errands I have to run before the clock strikes 5 and I'm not really thinking about Singles Awareness Day to any real degree, but nevertheless, definitely not enjoying all of the incessant reminders on the radio, in the grocery store, etc. And I'm behind one of those tow trucks towing another truck - you know, the ones that you always ride behind and look at kind of warily and think 'is this safe?' as the truck being towed sways dangerously each time the tow truck hits a pothole or some other road obstruction, but you figure, these trucks are allowed on the road all the time, so it must be alright. Well, this particular tow truck was driving too slowly for this already-rushing-sister so I put on the left turn signal, and changed lanes and the instant - the INSTANT I did - before I was even completely out of the lane - I watched a big blue tarp fly off the back of the truck being towed, and dance defiantly off to my right (after quickly shaking itself free of the obviously insubstantial strings and rope that were tying it down), followed immediately by a huge tire speeding, with reckless abandon, toward the exact position where my windshield had just been. And I thought to myself at once, Today is going to be a Wonderful Day.

Because it's always a wonderful day when you avoid having a tire fly through your windshield at 60 mph, and dodge a big blue tarp that's anxious to eradicate any hope of a clear view of the highway that you're driving down with no seatbelt on - silly girl.

And, on the more serious side, it reminded me that my Lord is always looking out for me and thinking of me. Which is always wonderful, but especially good to know today. It was like it was His way of dialing me up and saying 'just thinking of you' and wishing me a Happy Valentine’s Day, like a loving Father does. When asked by a friend of mine a week or so ago what I’d want if I could have anything for Valentine’s Day, I responded “To be thought of” and I think I got my wish.

so now I'm in a good enough mood to say it -
Happy Valentine's Day, Everyone:-)

I lied, i read 3 blogs

I read my ex's every now and then. But I read it so infrequently that I forgot about it when I was mentioning blogs I read. Speaking of him, guys, and relationships (including friendships) in general, I thought about the fact that I've had a lot of, as Alberto put it, 'valleys' in that department over the last 5 years. College is hills and valleys, and I, admittedly had my share of valleys. It's easy to feel a little jaded after all of that. As I sat thinking about this in French class today I realized the solution to the problem of becoming jaded; think only in French. Being as I just started french as a new language back in july (before that I'd been in Spanish since junior high) I don't yet know any conditional or past tenses. Currently, I can only really convey what I'm doing right now, what I'm going to do, or what I wish to do in the future. I have no words for the past and no words for could've, should've or would've. Sounds good to me.

A new theory

I've got this new theory that I'm still trying to flesh out completely, but the gist is that, just like one goes through stages on the way to acceptance of a loss (denial, anger, etc), there are stages one goes through after being rejected.

The most immediate one, for me at least, is Relief. At least you know and don't have to waste time or energy on someone who's not interested - and you can go on to find someone else, or at least not worry about it anymore. However, this feeling is short lived (for the moment) and is quickly overcome by feelings of Embarrassment. It can last a long time for some, but the more fortunate of us are able to rid ourselves of it with just a night's rest (and the most fortunate of us have teddy bears that provide immeasurable comfort and support).

Another stage, one that can easily overlap with the Embarrassment Stage, is Sadness. Mixed in with those feelings of wanting to hide under your pillow (so you don't have to remember that awkward look on someone's face, or think about how uncomfortable that conversation just was, etc.) can also be a sadness that mourns the loss of whatever you imagined could have happened had your interest been returned. This stage can be mitigated by finding out early on if someone's not interested before you get too far along emotionally. It's pretty logical, actually. It's human nature for feelings to increase over time, so if you wait a year there's going to be a much more difficult Sadness stage because you have a lot more hopes to mourn the loss of. I've become of a fan of getting it out of the way earlier on - mostly because I don't like spending that kind of energy on anyone who's not spending it on me, but also because the Sadness stage can be the hardest one to get through so whatever option shortens that stage for me is most desirable. A warning, however; embarrassment is no picnic. And shorten the length of life on 'sadness' and expect to feel the embarrassment more keenly since there's nothing else to distract you in that stage from what you've just done (but again, if you have a bear named marshmallow - you'll be fine.)

The next stage is all about holding on to that embarrassment and dragging it around with you and into social situations. You guessed it - Awkwardness. Good news (and bad news, in a way) about this one, though - it is what you make of it. You can dwell in it as long as you let yourself, or choose to feel empowered by the fact that you took a shot and (hopefully) handled the situation and subsequent rejection with grace and let the embarrassment go. It seems like a lot crappy stages and feelings to go through but, in the final stage, you get to genuinely fill yourself with the air of relief that you only got a quick breath of before all the shit went down. It's there, trust me, it comes. And if you keep a perspective, you can actually surprise yourself and find yourself back at relief as soon as you'd hoped ('cause everyone hopes for a speedy recovery.)

And so I set out to see if there's a better way to handle these kinds of things then (as I would've done as little as a year ago) to just spend months and months hoping they notice that you tried to look especially pretty for them and said witty things in their presence. (i mean, who has the patience for that?) And I submit to you all that there is a better way. Recognize that your affections are valuable, and find out if the person you want to share it with wants to share theirs with you. Giving away affection to someone who may not be interested is draining - so find out if the person wants to value your valuables and, if not, find someone else who does. Come on LMK, I'm talking to you!

And on an unrelated note - I love Lola and the fact that all of the affections I give to her she returns. Knowing her has been so rewarding - especially tonight.

Survey's make me happy

...but I only read two people's blog's and Stanley never does survey's really so guess who I stole this from...

So I'm super late on this cuz the new year was weeks ago, but, hey, I've been busy

1. What did you do in 2005 that you'd never done before? Lived alone all summer - practically in complete isolation because I didn't really have friends nearby. I'd go days without seeing anybody, sometimes weeks without seeing anybody except the people at work. At least I know I can handle it next year
2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year? ...so much happened in 2005 I can't even remember where my mind was at on New Years last year. I think I just wanted to be sure I got into law school...
3. Did anyone close to you give birth? I have a baby niece - although she was born nov. 1 2004 (pretty close)
4. Did anyone close to you die? My great-grandmother
5. What countries did you visit? Single-land. Just after the New Year, I was single for the first time in almost 3 years...fabulous.
6. What would you like to have in 2006 that you lacked in 2005? Money. I had great friends, academics went well, and, with that break-up, I recovered a lot of self-respect - so I'd have to say money not for frivilous stuff - I mean, can I pay my rent and car note?
7. What date (day) from 2005 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? A lot of dates will be etched in my mind from 2005. Among them: Graduation - May 15th. The day I got into Georgetown because it was the first letter I got so I was like "Yaaaaay! Someone wants me!" The day I got accepted into Harvard, cuz I was like "WHooooaaaaa!" The day I got the part of Aldonza because it is my first lead (and I wanted it BAD). I'd been listening to the music and planning my audition since the summer, lol. And there are a lot of people that I met in 2005 - the memory of those first encounters won't soon be forgotten.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Leaving a relationship, graduating, and getting into Harvard law, dealing with it and being over it. (multiple 'its')
9. What was your biggest failure? I guess if I picked a failure it'd be waiting too long to do some things I should've done sooner. But I'm mostly just glad they got done.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury? Nope, Praise God
11. What was the best thing you bought? a bed
12. Whose behavior merited celebration? My family, my friends
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? the american government, my "friends"
14. Where did most of your money go? food
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? Law school, graduating, Lola
16. What songs will always remind you of 2005? Sunday Morning - Maroon 5, Clarity - John Mayer, Debussy - Clair de Lune
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? happier
ii. thinner or fatter? a little thinner
iii. richer or poorer? same
18. What do you wish you'd done more of? more writing
19. What do you wish you'd done less of? doubting myself
20. What are you glad you did more of in 2005? meeting new people, trying new things
21. How will you be spending Christmas? I spent it with my family. And for the first time in years, my brother and my two cousins (like brothers), and I were all in the same room together. All so much older (and so much taller - Bobby's shockingly tall!), all doing so much with our lives, but still so much love for each other.
22. Did you fall in love in 2005? I fell out of it. but I think I had really fallen out of it long before that - sometimes it just takes a little while to realize that kind of thing.
23. What was your favorite TV program? Sex and the City
24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? I don't hate anyone. Not even my father.
25. What was the best book you read? Your Blues Ain't Like Mine
26. What was your greatest musical discovery? I guess John Mayer - "Heavier Things" was on heavy rotation.
27. What did you want and get? Aldonza, great new friends, Law School!
28. What did you want and not get? Stuff I probably didn't need anyway
29. What was your favorite film of this year? Amelie. I know it came out awhile ago, but I didn't see it til this year.
30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I went to work at Lakewood Elementary and got birthday cards from all the sweet and beautiful little kids I worked with. I got dressed up and went out to dinner with friends at the Wa Duke (Owen Wilson sat at the table next to me). And then I went by House and had cake with HnH. I was 22. Much better b-day than 21.
31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?well...I could've had more money. Every thing else I'm pretty satisfied with.
32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2005? In 2005 I solidified my love of earrings!
33. What kept you sane? my Lord, Stan, Man of La Mancha (but it also drove me crazy a little bit. good outweighs the bad, though.) my friends, my new friends, mama, my little niece. Knowing I have a future. And everyone who keeps me laughing.
34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? Mos Def's so fine...but so's Adrien Brody (I don't care what anybody says.)
35. What political issue stirred you the most? The Patriot Act, this War, Barbara Bush going down to New Orleans and saying, Well these people never had much anyway. The former secretary of education saying if you wanted to reduce crime he knows for a fact you could reduce it if you "abort all the black babies" then adding "of course that would be morally reprehensible - BUT it would lower the crime rate." And then the people who argued that it was taken out of context.
36. Who did you miss? my friends after graduation
37. Who was the best new person you met? I'm blessed to have met a good many wonderful new people
38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2005: Independence. Serious independence.
39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year: "And airports see it all the time. Where someone's last goodbye blends in with someone sigh cause someone's coming home, in hand a single rose. And that's the way this wheel keeps working now, that's the way this wheel keeps working now. And he won't be the last, no he won't be the last to love me. You can't build a house of leaves, And live like it's an evergreen. It's just a season thing. It's just this thing the seasons do. And that's the way this wheel keeps working now, that's the way this wheel keeps working now. And you won't be the first, no you won't be the first to love me....I believe that my life's gonna see the love I give returned to me."
40. What will you be doing to ring in 2006? I spent it with family

For the first time...

Here's something I've noticed in the past few weeks: for the first time in my life, I look in the mirror and although I see the flaws, I wouldn't want to look like anyone else but me. Gone are the days of high school where I would try to make it through the school day without looking at a mirror so I wouldn't have to feel bad about myself. I like looking like I do now (granted, I look rather different from how I looked when I was younger...my brother says I did a "serious 'ugly duckling'" but still, it's easy to find reasons not to feel good about yourself). I like the shape of my eyes and how dark they are. I like my smile, my high waist-line, my long legs (and short torso - as much as it all used to bother me) I'm learning to appreciate my height. These are things that had to grow on me. It sometimes upset me (and still gets to me every now and thing, but much less so) to enter a room and have to stand so high above everyone. To go places and never be able to move about unnoticed because of how my height made me stick out. Yeah it's cool sometimes to make an entrance and have everyone looking your way if you're having a great day and feeling/looking like a million bucks. But what about when you only got 3 hours of sleep so you could finish that 20 page paper? What about when you're sad and having one of those moments where all you want to do is just get through your activities without bursting into tears? But I've realized it just means I have to be more sure of myself, more in control of myself, less self-conscious. And those are all good things. And instead of obsessing over flaws that are long gone (except for in my own head - sometimes things change and it takes awhile for your mind to catch up. I looked in the mirror and saw ugly duckling long after people were insisting they saw a swan.) or obsessing over flaws that I can't do anything about but live with, I just appreciate the over-all person. I shouldn't be afraid to be me, to walk into a room - all 5'11'' of me (6 ft with shoes on) - smile with confidence, and speak with self-assuredness. I'm not perfect; I shouldn't have to be. And I shouldn't beat myself up for not being born with this feature or that feature (or that cup-size). To quote "The Artist Formerly Known as Prince" back when he was known as Prince:

"It's the kind of beauty
That's got no reason to ever be shy
'Cause, honey, it's the kind of beauty
The kind that comes from inside..."
("The Most Beautiful Girl in the World" - what you know about that 90s music?)

Stolen from Rob aka Pedro aka....

Open iTunes/iPod or Windows Media Player to answer the following. Go to your library. Answer, no matter how embarrassing it is.

How many songs: 3193 (and a ton of CDs I haven't added yet)

Sort by song title:
First Song: 13th Floor - Growing Old by Outkast
Last Song: Your Song - Moulin Rouge Soundtrack

Sort by time:
Shortest Song: I'm Black - "Hair" the musical (0:27)
Longest Song: If I Were A Bell - Miles Davis (13:34)

Sort by album:
First Song: You Should Be Here - Raphael Saadiq (Album: "Instant Vintage")
Last Song: Centipede - Rebbie Jackson (Album: Yours Faithfully) you probably won't know this song unless you're over 35. I have a lot of music that was before my time....

Top Five Most Played Songs:
1. For Real - Amel Larrieux
2. Clarity - John Mayer
3. The Book of Love - Peter Gabriel
4. Breathe Your Name -- Sixpense None The Richer
5. The Real Thing - Gwen Stefani
(It's All The Same from Man of La Mancha made the top ten:))

First song that comes up on Shuffle: I Believe In You and Me - Whitney Houston (pre-crack)

Search:
"sex", how many songs come up? 10
"death", how many songs come up? 1
"love", how many songs come up? 303
"you", how many songs come up? 499

Conclusion: Most of the dirty songs I listen to have a lot of innuendo and don't actually have 'sex' in the title. Also, I'm a hopeless romantic.

some 'kiss my ass money' and a cell phone

Part of being an adult means that you take responsibility for the situations you allow yourself to be in. If you're in a situation that makes you uncomfortable - when you have the choice - you remove yourself from it. Some might say that I, at times, can be prideful. Even to the point of risking my safety. I admit, I am very strong-minded. When I feel pressed to make a certain decision, I honestly feel that whatever the consequences are of that decision, they will be dealt with accordingly. Therefore, I don't stress inconveniencing myself, or what others will think of my decision, or even my safety. Some might say that I need to change this outlook. I disagree. I think all I really need to do is make sure I always have some Kiss-my-ass-money and a cell phone. Kiss my ass money always has to be cash, but how much cash depends mostly on where you're going (and how far it is from home). It can be combined with other purchasing devices, but never just that. You never know that you'll be in the position to stop and use an ATM, or that your needs will be met with a credit card. This was introduced to me some years ago by my aunt. Just as I was about to leave the house to go out with some friends, she pressed some extra cash into my hand and told me "Take this. You always need to have some extra cash with you when you go out with people, in case anything happens. I like to call it Kiss my ass money, because you never know when you're going to have to tell someone to kiss your ass, and then get out of their car." There are different derivatives of the scenario she described; it could be as simple as a "you go ahead without me" and finding your own way back home, or as complex as being in another city with nowhere to stay (which actually happened to me once...) The point is, I can take care of myself. And I don't have to stay anywhere or do anything that makes me uncomfortable, and I don't have to depend on anyone's help in order for me to be able to remove myself from a less than ideal situation. It's good to be prepared. She was right; You just never know.

A song for a friend

La Douleur Esquisite (The Esquisite Pain)

I didn't call because I missed you
I didn't come because I knew I wanted to
I left so quickly since I wanted to stay there
I stayed away since I desired to be near

I woke up early as you wandered through my dreams
I wouldn't let myself think what the dream could mean
And then my heart asks, why not give myself to you?
I fight my heart; I always lose

I say hello, I never want to say goodbye
I always smile but worry you might make me cry
I try to run from it, but what else can I do....
I fight my heart; I always lose

Grace & The Good-Confused Guy

Besides the grace I offered to myself and to my friend (good thing I gave her grace. She definitely used it), I gave grace to a third person this weekend who shall remain nameless. yeah. you definitely got grace.

So anyway, I was recently reminded of an article that was in the Talking Drum (a Duke undergraduate publication) a year or two ago. It outlined the kinds of guys as (I might be missing one, but these three are pretty interesting) The Player, the Genuinely-Good Guy, and the Good-Confused Guy. The player usually just puts it out there right from the start; I'm not about trying to have a serious relationship, I'm just trying to have a good time, etc. The Genuinely-Good Guy is the one that gets over-looked. Think about the cute, fun, funny and pretty much all around great guy that you know that you just don't want even though you can't articulate why. The Good-Confused Guy, however, is a good guy at heart, but he is - as the name implies - confused. He is unclear about what he wants - a relationship or dating, distance or no distance, you or someone else, etc. This guy is the most dangerous because, since he's a good guy, you feel safe with him; you don't expect a good person to hurt you for no clear reason. Also, this guy, since there's good in him, makes you hold out hope that you wouldn't hold out for a 'player'; he'll get over his confusion, he'll come around, he'll chose me over that hook-up etc. The fact of the matter is that you never know what a confused good guy is going to do.
Just like most women, I often happen to find myself attracted to the Good-Confused Guy. That's something I definitely need to work on.

The Grace Period

I find it helpful, when a friend first enters a new relationship, to give them a grace period where you accept that you will not be as important as their new beau. Accepting that up-front will avoid any loss of respect for your friend now, and any feelings of resentment towards him or her later - when they remember you and come back. It also allows them to enjoy - guilt free - the simplest part of the relationship; the beginning. On the selfish side, however, it also gives you a free 'absorb-myself-in-my-new-man-for-awhile' card when your time comes. So I recognize that. On the giving, understanding side, and on the selfish side. But I sure do miss them while I'm giving them grace.

In other news in my life, I tasted jealousy recently. (Not jealousy of my friend and her new beau - these are completely different situations. My jealousy recently wasn't even pointed directly at one person) But, I actually tasted it and it is bitter and hard to swallow. I don't like the flavor and I've been trying to get the taste out of my mouth. The bitterness is affecting the enjoyment of some of the other things in which I partake. I don't consider myself a jealous person, but sometimes it can be hard to fight off. I think the reason it can be so difficult to overcome is because we often don't want to admit we're jealous. So it just lies there - tucked away - and festers. And gets worse. Thus, I've decided to admit to myself that the flavor wasn't just 'I was tired that day' or 'I was just thinking too hard about the situation'. Because the fact of the matter is, I had plenty of sleep. And I didn't have to think about it very hard at all before I got JEALOUS. I admit it. I am straight up, no lie, frank, open, and honest Jealous. Now, I'll give myself a grace period. To do one of the hardest things there is to do when you feel passed over, forgotten about or left behind; Get over it. And I'll give myself this grace period up front. That way I can avoid any loss of respect for myself now. And any feelings of resentment towards myself (or anybody else) later. Although I must say, I sure will miss the taste of normal life while I'm giving myself grace.

"I do have my likes and dislikes"

Hmm...I like this...

New Favorite
word: 'jive'
activity: goin to the movies by myself
person: MatPat
feeling: Being over it
quotes: "Don't wanna press rewind and play myself again."