I lied, i read 3 blogs

I read my ex's every now and then. But I read it so infrequently that I forgot about it when I was mentioning blogs I read. Speaking of him, guys, and relationships (including friendships) in general, I thought about the fact that I've had a lot of, as Alberto put it, 'valleys' in that department over the last 5 years. College is hills and valleys, and I, admittedly had my share of valleys. It's easy to feel a little jaded after all of that. As I sat thinking about this in French class today I realized the solution to the problem of becoming jaded; think only in French. Being as I just started french as a new language back in july (before that I'd been in Spanish since junior high) I don't yet know any conditional or past tenses. Currently, I can only really convey what I'm doing right now, what I'm going to do, or what I wish to do in the future. I have no words for the past and no words for could've, should've or would've. Sounds good to me.

A new theory

I've got this new theory that I'm still trying to flesh out completely, but the gist is that, just like one goes through stages on the way to acceptance of a loss (denial, anger, etc), there are stages one goes through after being rejected.

The most immediate one, for me at least, is Relief. At least you know and don't have to waste time or energy on someone who's not interested - and you can go on to find someone else, or at least not worry about it anymore. However, this feeling is short lived (for the moment) and is quickly overcome by feelings of Embarrassment. It can last a long time for some, but the more fortunate of us are able to rid ourselves of it with just a night's rest (and the most fortunate of us have teddy bears that provide immeasurable comfort and support).

Another stage, one that can easily overlap with the Embarrassment Stage, is Sadness. Mixed in with those feelings of wanting to hide under your pillow (so you don't have to remember that awkward look on someone's face, or think about how uncomfortable that conversation just was, etc.) can also be a sadness that mourns the loss of whatever you imagined could have happened had your interest been returned. This stage can be mitigated by finding out early on if someone's not interested before you get too far along emotionally. It's pretty logical, actually. It's human nature for feelings to increase over time, so if you wait a year there's going to be a much more difficult Sadness stage because you have a lot more hopes to mourn the loss of. I've become of a fan of getting it out of the way earlier on - mostly because I don't like spending that kind of energy on anyone who's not spending it on me, but also because the Sadness stage can be the hardest one to get through so whatever option shortens that stage for me is most desirable. A warning, however; embarrassment is no picnic. And shorten the length of life on 'sadness' and expect to feel the embarrassment more keenly since there's nothing else to distract you in that stage from what you've just done (but again, if you have a bear named marshmallow - you'll be fine.)

The next stage is all about holding on to that embarrassment and dragging it around with you and into social situations. You guessed it - Awkwardness. Good news (and bad news, in a way) about this one, though - it is what you make of it. You can dwell in it as long as you let yourself, or choose to feel empowered by the fact that you took a shot and (hopefully) handled the situation and subsequent rejection with grace and let the embarrassment go. It seems like a lot crappy stages and feelings to go through but, in the final stage, you get to genuinely fill yourself with the air of relief that you only got a quick breath of before all the shit went down. It's there, trust me, it comes. And if you keep a perspective, you can actually surprise yourself and find yourself back at relief as soon as you'd hoped ('cause everyone hopes for a speedy recovery.)

And so I set out to see if there's a better way to handle these kinds of things then (as I would've done as little as a year ago) to just spend months and months hoping they notice that you tried to look especially pretty for them and said witty things in their presence. (i mean, who has the patience for that?) And I submit to you all that there is a better way. Recognize that your affections are valuable, and find out if the person you want to share it with wants to share theirs with you. Giving away affection to someone who may not be interested is draining - so find out if the person wants to value your valuables and, if not, find someone else who does. Come on LMK, I'm talking to you!

And on an unrelated note - I love Lola and the fact that all of the affections I give to her she returns. Knowing her has been so rewarding - especially tonight.

Survey's make me happy

...but I only read two people's blog's and Stanley never does survey's really so guess who I stole this from...

So I'm super late on this cuz the new year was weeks ago, but, hey, I've been busy

1. What did you do in 2005 that you'd never done before? Lived alone all summer - practically in complete isolation because I didn't really have friends nearby. I'd go days without seeing anybody, sometimes weeks without seeing anybody except the people at work. At least I know I can handle it next year
2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year? ...so much happened in 2005 I can't even remember where my mind was at on New Years last year. I think I just wanted to be sure I got into law school...
3. Did anyone close to you give birth? I have a baby niece - although she was born nov. 1 2004 (pretty close)
4. Did anyone close to you die? My great-grandmother
5. What countries did you visit? Single-land. Just after the New Year, I was single for the first time in almost 3 years...fabulous.
6. What would you like to have in 2006 that you lacked in 2005? Money. I had great friends, academics went well, and, with that break-up, I recovered a lot of self-respect - so I'd have to say money not for frivilous stuff - I mean, can I pay my rent and car note?
7. What date (day) from 2005 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? A lot of dates will be etched in my mind from 2005. Among them: Graduation - May 15th. The day I got into Georgetown because it was the first letter I got so I was like "Yaaaaay! Someone wants me!" The day I got accepted into Harvard, cuz I was like "WHooooaaaaa!" The day I got the part of Aldonza because it is my first lead (and I wanted it BAD). I'd been listening to the music and planning my audition since the summer, lol. And there are a lot of people that I met in 2005 - the memory of those first encounters won't soon be forgotten.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Leaving a relationship, graduating, and getting into Harvard law, dealing with it and being over it. (multiple 'its')
9. What was your biggest failure? I guess if I picked a failure it'd be waiting too long to do some things I should've done sooner. But I'm mostly just glad they got done.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury? Nope, Praise God
11. What was the best thing you bought? a bed
12. Whose behavior merited celebration? My family, my friends
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? the american government, my "friends"
14. Where did most of your money go? food
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? Law school, graduating, Lola
16. What songs will always remind you of 2005? Sunday Morning - Maroon 5, Clarity - John Mayer, Debussy - Clair de Lune
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? happier
ii. thinner or fatter? a little thinner
iii. richer or poorer? same
18. What do you wish you'd done more of? more writing
19. What do you wish you'd done less of? doubting myself
20. What are you glad you did more of in 2005? meeting new people, trying new things
21. How will you be spending Christmas? I spent it with my family. And for the first time in years, my brother and my two cousins (like brothers), and I were all in the same room together. All so much older (and so much taller - Bobby's shockingly tall!), all doing so much with our lives, but still so much love for each other.
22. Did you fall in love in 2005? I fell out of it. but I think I had really fallen out of it long before that - sometimes it just takes a little while to realize that kind of thing.
23. What was your favorite TV program? Sex and the City
24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? I don't hate anyone. Not even my father.
25. What was the best book you read? Your Blues Ain't Like Mine
26. What was your greatest musical discovery? I guess John Mayer - "Heavier Things" was on heavy rotation.
27. What did you want and get? Aldonza, great new friends, Law School!
28. What did you want and not get? Stuff I probably didn't need anyway
29. What was your favorite film of this year? Amelie. I know it came out awhile ago, but I didn't see it til this year.
30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I went to work at Lakewood Elementary and got birthday cards from all the sweet and beautiful little kids I worked with. I got dressed up and went out to dinner with friends at the Wa Duke (Owen Wilson sat at the table next to me). And then I went by House and had cake with HnH. I was 22. Much better b-day than 21.
31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?well...I could've had more money. Every thing else I'm pretty satisfied with.
32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2005? In 2005 I solidified my love of earrings!
33. What kept you sane? my Lord, Stan, Man of La Mancha (but it also drove me crazy a little bit. good outweighs the bad, though.) my friends, my new friends, mama, my little niece. Knowing I have a future. And everyone who keeps me laughing.
34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? Mos Def's so fine...but so's Adrien Brody (I don't care what anybody says.)
35. What political issue stirred you the most? The Patriot Act, this War, Barbara Bush going down to New Orleans and saying, Well these people never had much anyway. The former secretary of education saying if you wanted to reduce crime he knows for a fact you could reduce it if you "abort all the black babies" then adding "of course that would be morally reprehensible - BUT it would lower the crime rate." And then the people who argued that it was taken out of context.
36. Who did you miss? my friends after graduation
37. Who was the best new person you met? I'm blessed to have met a good many wonderful new people
38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2005: Independence. Serious independence.
39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year: "And airports see it all the time. Where someone's last goodbye blends in with someone sigh cause someone's coming home, in hand a single rose. And that's the way this wheel keeps working now, that's the way this wheel keeps working now. And he won't be the last, no he won't be the last to love me. You can't build a house of leaves, And live like it's an evergreen. It's just a season thing. It's just this thing the seasons do. And that's the way this wheel keeps working now, that's the way this wheel keeps working now. And you won't be the first, no you won't be the first to love me....I believe that my life's gonna see the love I give returned to me."
40. What will you be doing to ring in 2006? I spent it with family

For the first time...

Here's something I've noticed in the past few weeks: for the first time in my life, I look in the mirror and although I see the flaws, I wouldn't want to look like anyone else but me. Gone are the days of high school where I would try to make it through the school day without looking at a mirror so I wouldn't have to feel bad about myself. I like looking like I do now (granted, I look rather different from how I looked when I was younger...my brother says I did a "serious 'ugly duckling'" but still, it's easy to find reasons not to feel good about yourself). I like the shape of my eyes and how dark they are. I like my smile, my high waist-line, my long legs (and short torso - as much as it all used to bother me) I'm learning to appreciate my height. These are things that had to grow on me. It sometimes upset me (and still gets to me every now and thing, but much less so) to enter a room and have to stand so high above everyone. To go places and never be able to move about unnoticed because of how my height made me stick out. Yeah it's cool sometimes to make an entrance and have everyone looking your way if you're having a great day and feeling/looking like a million bucks. But what about when you only got 3 hours of sleep so you could finish that 20 page paper? What about when you're sad and having one of those moments where all you want to do is just get through your activities without bursting into tears? But I've realized it just means I have to be more sure of myself, more in control of myself, less self-conscious. And those are all good things. And instead of obsessing over flaws that are long gone (except for in my own head - sometimes things change and it takes awhile for your mind to catch up. I looked in the mirror and saw ugly duckling long after people were insisting they saw a swan.) or obsessing over flaws that I can't do anything about but live with, I just appreciate the over-all person. I shouldn't be afraid to be me, to walk into a room - all 5'11'' of me (6 ft with shoes on) - smile with confidence, and speak with self-assuredness. I'm not perfect; I shouldn't have to be. And I shouldn't beat myself up for not being born with this feature or that feature (or that cup-size). To quote "The Artist Formerly Known as Prince" back when he was known as Prince:

"It's the kind of beauty
That's got no reason to ever be shy
'Cause, honey, it's the kind of beauty
The kind that comes from inside..."
("The Most Beautiful Girl in the World" - what you know about that 90s music?)

Stolen from Rob aka Pedro aka....

Open iTunes/iPod or Windows Media Player to answer the following. Go to your library. Answer, no matter how embarrassing it is.

How many songs: 3193 (and a ton of CDs I haven't added yet)

Sort by song title:
First Song: 13th Floor - Growing Old by Outkast
Last Song: Your Song - Moulin Rouge Soundtrack

Sort by time:
Shortest Song: I'm Black - "Hair" the musical (0:27)
Longest Song: If I Were A Bell - Miles Davis (13:34)

Sort by album:
First Song: You Should Be Here - Raphael Saadiq (Album: "Instant Vintage")
Last Song: Centipede - Rebbie Jackson (Album: Yours Faithfully) you probably won't know this song unless you're over 35. I have a lot of music that was before my time....

Top Five Most Played Songs:
1. For Real - Amel Larrieux
2. Clarity - John Mayer
3. The Book of Love - Peter Gabriel
4. Breathe Your Name -- Sixpense None The Richer
5. The Real Thing - Gwen Stefani
(It's All The Same from Man of La Mancha made the top ten:))

First song that comes up on Shuffle: I Believe In You and Me - Whitney Houston (pre-crack)

Search:
"sex", how many songs come up? 10
"death", how many songs come up? 1
"love", how many songs come up? 303
"you", how many songs come up? 499

Conclusion: Most of the dirty songs I listen to have a lot of innuendo and don't actually have 'sex' in the title. Also, I'm a hopeless romantic.