stream of consciousness

Sometimes I worry about dancing too hard, because I know I'm supposed to know how to dance.
I worry sometimes about expressing my sensuality, because I don't want to be eroticized as the 'exotic other'. I just want to express my femininity. Sometimes I keep myself from getting an attitude, because I'm supposed to be angry and Black (The Angry Black Woman *insert neck roll and finger pop*). Sometimes I think if I were just me, I wouldn't be any of those things, but being Black in America means a lot more about how people see me than how I see myself.


Not everyone who's Republican is racist (they're just too damn conservative for my taste)
Not everyone who's a Democrat gives a shit about equality (the politicians just pretend to care to get the minority vote)
My "Blackness" is not genetic. And therefore there is no 'rhythm gene' (I had to learn how to dance)

Love's (new) Philosophy?

X: romantic love is meaningless
X: and i feel like i've been lied to all my life
X: like i'm watching a good friend die
X: that never really lived
Y: well, welcome to the club
Y: u now know what we know

It's over and I survived

Apparently, things hit me in stages.

While actions may speak louder than words, sometimes all you have to go on is what people say. Although there may be ambiguities in their behavior, if a person tells you without hesistation, straight up, this is how they feel about something - you gotta take them at that. So. Now since I've allowed myself to air out stuff that I had tucked away in boxes marked 'college', pretending there was nothing in there needing sorting out, I feel a considerable bit better. And actually better, not just pretend better. I've got me, myself, and I and a striking number of crazy (in a good way) friends in my corner who will chill with me and make me laugh (sometimes at myself) when I feel like I can't find a thing to smile about. The preacher today referred to John 20 and it struck me that Mary Magdalene - looking for Jesus' body - runs right into Jesus and doesn't recognize him (she thinks he's the gardener, and asks Jesus if He knows where they've taken her Lord.) Sometimes we are just blind to the good that's right in front of us. I mean, Mary looked right at Jesus and asked Jesus, 'Where's Jesus'.

Not that I'm saying I don't have anything to feel worried or sad about these days. I do still feel that I give a lot of good to people and get a lot less back. But those people don't matter anymore.

I'm all about enjoying my last days here at Duke (at least at this capacity)

Now, I'm wonderin how much I can get for this ring on ebay....

I hope

"There are people who can walk away from you. And hear me when I tell you this. When people can walk away from you, let them walk. I don't want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you. I mean hang up the phone. When people can walk away from you let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left. The Bible said that, they came out from us that it might be made manifest that they were not for us. For had they been of us, no doubt they would have continued with us. (1 John 2:19). People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are not joined to you, you can get super glue and you can't make them stay.
Let them go. It doesn't mean they are a bad person. It just means their part in the story is over. You've got to know when people's part in your story is over so you don't keep trying to raise the dead. You've got to know when it's dead. You've got to know when it's over. Let me tell you something, I've got the gift of good-bye. It's the tenth spiritual gift. I believe in good-bye. And it's not because I'm hateful, but because I'm faithful. And I know whatever God means for me to have He'll give to me. If it takes too much sweat, I don't need it."
-Rev. T.D. Jakes


So, no need to look back on college and feel hurt over things that happened so long ago. Those who left me then, now, and those who will in the future will do so because I'm supposed to go on without them. And on that note, I'm orderin up some pleasant dreams.

And, per my friend's request, an extra order of hope. Not everybody leaves.

Or maybe not...

No matter how much people say they respect you and care about you, no matter how kind, no matter how loyal you are or how compassionate you strive to be - people can still brush you aside so easily and forget all about you. And hurt you just as easily as we all walk and talk and breathe.

Or maybe that's just me

I miss classical music

Everybody wants me to sing soul....which is nice sometimes to. But what I really wish is that someone would ask me to sing the kind of music I learned how to sing first....

Love's Philosophy

The fountains mingle with the river
And the rivers with the ocean
The winds of heaven mix forever
With a sweet motion
Nothing in the world is single
All things by a law divine
In one another's being mingle
Why not I with thine?
Not I with thine....

See the mountains kiss high heaven
And the waves clasp one another
No sister flower would be forgiven
If it disdained its brother

And the sunlight clasps the earth
And the moonbeams kiss the sea
What are all these kissings worth
If thou, If thou kiss not me?



Author's kinda reachin, ain't he
Guess that's kinda what it feels like sometimes, though

Ever heard the expression "you could've knocked me over with a feather"?

The mail today really threw me for a loop (in a good way).
God is so good.

After this past weekend's visit, I had pretty much gone back to my original intention of being around here....But new news.

Wow, that new news.

Now it's decision time. Should I go, should I stay? So many reasons on both sides...something small could push me either way...

but what a lovely decision to have to make.

A Theory

A friend of mine postulated that every *good* guy has a girl that "ruined" him (in all fairness, sometimes unintentionally).

I think there's some truth to that - they are effected in a way that's different from how girls are effected by that kind of pain (for example, a lot of girls don't give up easily and end up "ruined" by experiences with several "ruined" guys). But women do have a higher tolerance for pain in general....But I digress. Anyway, I can say in good conscience that I have never "ruined" a guy. However, I cannot take full credit for it because they were already ruined before I got to them. hahaha (joking...kinda)

It's ok, ruined guys come back...just not with me

Resolved.

Stan is great.
Drink more water, less wine.
Stop cursing, at least curse less
Enjoy this weekend at U of Mich (be the belle of the BLSA ball)
Stop taking things personal
Take compliments better...(but still not too seriously)
Avoid "high traffic" guys, triangles, rectangles, octagons....
Become even more cautious with people
But stay willing to enjoy life, even if it could mean getting hurt

But not to the point of stupidity

Figure out the point of stupidity.

And Yeah...this is growing up

So, I am trying to make some big decisions here. I will be visiting a Law school this Thursday - Saturday for their admitted students weekend - they better pull out all the stops b/c my heart is almost completely set on being here. I do need to explore my options, however, which is why I've decided to go. I'm trying to be open minded - but I'm already planning my life out for next year and whenever I plan it - it's here. Maybe I should go somewhere new, though...I don't know. Am I holding on out of fear? Or is Duke really right for me?

I am not an indecisive person - or rather, I do not grapple with decisions for very long once it becomes inconvenient. And if you choose not to make a choice, something will inevitably happen to make it for you. So I will relax, pray about it, and this time next month (or probably even sooner) I'll except admission somewhere and I'll be "Audrey Christopher - _____ Law School Student - class of 2008."

And then come more decisions...where to live? I don't plan on going home for the summer....can I stay down here? oh goodness - water bill, electric bill, rent? And me on my own. Young, intelligent, attractive?, single, black female. What happened to my excitement...

Okay, Okay

I will fight the urge to put up another poem....I just do it to avoid rambling. But tonight I will try something new - a synopsis of my day:

This morning: Overslept (how do you oversleep when you don't have to be somewhere until noon? I'll tell you how - you stay up until 4am talking on AIM and reading in your bed), rushed to get ready for work, rushed to work, avoided the overly-'friendly' maitenance man while there by waving politely and quickly ducking off into another hallway whenever I saw him coming (forgot to wear a pretend-engagement ring AGAIN today)

This afternoon: rushed home to finish a paper I should've finished last night, grabbed blue eye shadow and a duke shirt and headed to class, left class early so I could get in line for the miami game (a shame a shame, i know - but it was only 15 minutes early).

This evening: Got in line with my roommate but apparently missed the wine she clearly had been sipping, got decent seats but realized I was basically alone: sitting next to people who are just friends of friends (and not one's I'm particularly fond of). Waited for my friend, who was supposed to come sit next to me....

Game Highlights (sorta)
Telling the girls who tried to move my jacket off of the seat I was saving when they knew I was saving it and who for: "Don't touch my sh*t."
The sigma nu who was trying to body surf through the crowd getting dropped.
A friend snatching that guy's raggady sign halfway through the game (the sign that was blocking everybody's view, even though we all kept asking him to lower it) and tearing it into pieces.
Completely wiping Miami out. (Although it did get kind of boring...)




Tonight: Sang opera music for anyone who could hear through the walls as I washed dishes. It made me smile :)



See what happens when I don't post a poem? Longest. Post. Ever.