It was over before it ended

this is like one of those relationships you knew was over long before you finally let go.

I have been waning with this blog ever since it was linked to the information on the XU scandal. I tried to re-organize and change the kind of writing I did in here, but now I find it's just easier - and more fufilling - to write in a password protected document on my laptop. I just can't be all over the internet anymore.

Stanley, since you're probably the only one reading this; don't worry - I know it's important to keep writing. And I'm doing just that, just not on here, not anymore.

So I tip my hat in farewell to blogger. I'm done with blogs.

Peace, y'all. I'm out.

Tired and Happy

I couldn't write last night because Day 2 of TAW had me wondering how I was going to make it through a full week, let alone 2 more weeks after that. But, I even though I'm in class every day til 9, I don't regret the class because I love it :) First of all, Ogletree is amazing - an excellent lawyer, teacher, and presenter. Secondly, the judges, attorneys and professors working in the program are intelligent, insightful and fun. And I see in them many things that remind me why I came to law school and why I want to be a good lawyer.

It would've been MUCH easier to take this in the winter as I had originally planned. I could've focused on just TAW. Buuuut, Ogletree would not have been teaching it, and I would not have meet so many intelligent, beautiful black people! At Duke, I barely had any black teachers until I learned to seek them out. And certainly very very few who were black and female. Here at HLS we've got Lani Guinier. ....and that would be it. But the fall TAW staff is very diverse, and it does my spirit good to learn from people who look a little more like me. I feel much more connected to the course than I have in any other class since I've been here. *beams*

So, yea I'm exhausted. I come home late from TAW and do more work for TAW. I feel like I've been in two weeks worth of classes and it's only be 3 days. But I'm tired and happy. And that's a rarity here at hls.

TAW - Day 1

You know people really respect you when they will sit in silence as you make a peanut butter and jelly sandwhich in front of the entire class without explanation.

I guess we all assumed our Prof. was going somewhere with it, and he did. He certainly took his time about it though. He told us that putting the pieces of a trial together is about as easy as making a peanut butter and jelly sandwhich, and then asked the class to re-tell all the steps he took to construct that sandwhich before the class. At the end of the demonstration he had two pieces of bread - literally pieces instead of a whole slice (much to the chagrin of the student who raised his hand to confidently volunteer the step "you took out two pieces of bread") - and a plate full of peanut butter and jelly. Nowhere in the vicinity of the courtroom was there anything even resembling a sandwhich of any kind. He wanted to demonstrate how hard it can be to tie a narrative together, even though it initially seems like it could be the easiest thing in the world. Ain't that always the way.

It certainly was harder for me than I expected, and I expected it to be hard. The attorney critiquing me said that I was "cold" and that I should try to be more "human" in my direct of my own witness.

Me? Cold? I cannot possibly even conceive that I have ever been cold to anyone in my entire life.

right...

I should keep a dream diary

Every time I'm in the middle of some heavy work schedule, I have crazy crazy dreams. My first semester of law school during finals period, I had a nightmare about the Model Penal Code. The actual lines of the code were attacking and smothering me. I felt like I had to get it off of me! Mostly asleep, I got up out of my bed, tore all of my clothes off, and went back to sleep. Take that Penal Code! I felt 100% better. However, I was a little confused in the morning when I woke up naked.

This semester, before my Property final, I dreamt that we were under attack. Who's we? I have not a clue. But I'm pretty sure some people from my section were there. Who was attacking us? I can't even remember, but I do know that they sent hawks to carry out their evil plan. The bastards. I remember running through the street as people were snatched up by the giant birds. They were taken away - never to be seen again. That sounds like a dream I should analyze....

Anyway, I have barely left my house in almost a week. I eat incomplete meals. I can hardly carry on a conversation because I feel distracted and I can't focus on what I was saying. I don't sleep well, and random crap makes me laugh uncontrolably. Could this be love? No, I am working on the law review competition and am slightly delirious. (yes - law review - no caps. I did it on purpose. thanks.) And Saturday night I dreamt that footnote 18 was poisonous. Yes, poisonous, and if I touched footnote 18, I would become ill.

What's gonna happen when I grow up and have real work every day?

The Friendly Neighborhood Hobo has gotten too friendly

Ok, it was nice at first to hear "Keep working hard, sister." and "How's your day been?" etc. But the other day my friendly neighborhood hobo (the one who's always outside of CVS) reached his arm out in what seemed like the offering of one of those one-arm-hugs, but evolved into an arm pat as I dodged out of his grasp.

I am not a hug-y person in general. My friends know that it took several months of pretty much daily exposure to them before I became comfortable with exchanging hugs. I am surely not up for a hug from the neighborhood hobo. wtf.

Just think what we could spread in 15!

I am amazed the speed at which gossip travels! It's absolutely absurd, and completely hiliarious - so I must find a way to share my amusement. I have tracked the following events through the use of cell phone call logs and AIM time stamps provided by involved parties. Details will be omitted to protect the privacy of the few whose business hasn't already spread and evolved in form and shape like some exotic viral strain through the insane high-speed digital internet version of a gossip mill that is the Harvard Law School Drama Society. *gasps for air after the effort of typing such a long sentence*

*Note, John and Jill were the only ones that were at the party the night before*

1:51 PM
John IMs Jane details from a party that occured the night before. According to John, he mentioned it only conversationally and had no idea what would pass in the next 11 - count them - 11 minutes

Somewhere between 1:51 - 1:55 PM
Jane tells her roommates. Judy is a roommate, and Judy tells Jack. We know this because at exactly 1:55 PM, Jill gets a text message from Jack teasing her about the party.

1:55 - 2:02 PM
Jack and Jill then proceed to text back and forth until Jill figures out where the hell Jack was that he would've heard that information, and then, figuring out the link:

2:02 PM
Jill IMs John (in jest) saying he's got an amazingly huge mouth. John is confused until Jill tells him how it must've gone from John to Jane, from Jane to Judy, Judy to Jack and Jack to Jill then Jill went out to fetch a pail full of goodness only knows what - but certainly someone will be gossiping about the pail's contents very shortly.

I even overthink my problem of overthinking!

Ok, I'm sad 1L year is ending - just a little - because I really like my new friends and I'm getting all nostalgic. Suddenly everything is nicer when it's almost over, and I have the luxury of feeling like I might miss being a 1L a little bit when I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. But, it's just that...it's just nice to be new. I read my entry from when I visited harvard and I went on about how it's nice to be somewhere where I don't already know an uncomfortable amount about people and they don't know too much about me; where I'm not tempted to give anyone second chances etc etc. But joining the drama society here automatically made me privy to a constant stream of TMI, and I'm not really down for second chances anymore anyway. I think I'm almost at the other extreme - and this is not a good thing - and I barely want to give people chances at all, let alone a second one. Anyway, it's weird that I'll be gone all summer though, b/c law school is so consuming and for a summer I'll be disconnected from it. I've been a little indecisive lately, which I don't think generally describes me and I don't know what's up with that. Maybe it's just that it feels like something big is coming to a close, and people always act stupid when they feel like something is almost over and they won't have to stick around and be accountable. But I also overthink things, so I'm going to try to just go with my instincts and do what I feel is best as it comes. It can't be that stupid if you go with how you really feel. Well, that's clearly false, but I'm going to stand by it anyway.

I think it would be interesting...

...to have a day where I told everyone what I really thought of them. Generally, I pride myself on interacting with people in ways that show them how I really feel about them - I only warmly greet those who I feel warmly toward. I can show basic nice-ness to almost anybody, but that's just being polite. I do hate it though, when I have to be nice to someone I dislike, or someone who made me feel bad about myself. Being basically polite to someone I don't care one way or the other about is cool, but I really don't like having to pretend I like someone and I'm secretly thinking all kinds of negative things in their presence or right after they leave. It's rare; it only happens when I don't want someone to know they've hurt me. Joni Mitchell said 'now it's just another show; you leave them laughing when you go. And if you care, don't let it show - don't give yourself away." But why is it always the most important thing to make sure people think they didn't effect you?

A new chapter in this book called Law School...

I do believe my section and I have turned a corner as law students. I heard about it all the time - how we'd come to stop stressing/caring so much about everything. I must say, it makes class more amusing. Yesterday in property the teacher asked a question that a whole row of students didn't know, and the students were pretty cool with the not knowing. No embarrassment, no fidgeting, just an honest "I don't know what you're looking for". One student even said - much to my enjoyment - "Mmm. Why, that's a good question" then made it clear that he didn't know. Another student was pressed on a different question and passed it off to someone just returning from the restroom - "why don't you ask Kyle". The teacher turned to Kyle and re-asked the question and Kyle replied with "Sir. I have only just emerged from the bathroom." Ha. That cracks me up even now. A friend of mine decided to just close his laptop and get up and walk out of Torts one day. Oh and then there was the time when the teacher went over time, and someone turned their laptop off. The "Shutting down" music of a windows operating system echoed through the classroom in defiant protest. Oh, *sigh*, I will miss my section.

Favorite Quotes

Here are some of my favorite quotes of all time: I'm going to keep adding to them as I remember them.


On being at Harvard Law:
"Oh yeah, you're excited to get into Harvard now, but wait until the random bouts of uncontrolled crying begin."
"It's just like high school...except here it's cool to be really smart."

On things that just make me smile
"The thot plickens!"
"I hope it reminds you of your brother...tall...and skinnnayyyyyyyyyyyy!"
"He should've known you weren't going to Ti-Ti the party."
"Let's hit it!"
"Who told her that was okay?"
"Say your prayers. Tell Jesus I said goodnight." "...Jesus, Stan says goodnight..."

On private jokes:
"Two teas, please."
"If his mom's a whore, does that make a difference?"
"...There's an ATM in here. Why is there an ATM in here?"
"*Scoff* One doesn't give God His blessing back."
"Imagine your dog eating ___'s cat. No mediation. And that statute's not good law anymore."
"I think it's a little more about the Crazy, and less about the spandex."

On catch phrases:
"Mistakes were made."
"Dead to me." (As in, 'where's such-in-such', 'I don't know. dead to me.')
"Really?"
"Dicta!"

On hitting the sauce:
"I woke up on my futon with no pants on, tangled up in a blanket."
"This morning was like Memento; your name is ___, you have a meeting at noon."
"Thank you for making sure I got home last night. I'm sorry for trying to snatch away from you and run across the street."


On (amusingly) ignorant comments: (disclaimer: none of these were said by me!)
"This is a birthday dinner and you're in a t-shirt."
"I got my white man back! I got my white man back!"
"There should be a code. If you give someone a black rose and a nickel, it means 'i don't like you'" (why's it gotta be black?)


On funny dialogue
A: Guess who's working at my firm this summer.
B: Jebus?
A: No, he's at the L.A. office.
B: He would.
~~~~~~~~~

A: I don't lie.
A: I omit.


On ridiculousness from class
"The country will be run by who??" "Big brother" "Oh. ...I thought she said Peanut Butter."
"...there are jurisdictions where they do do that kind of thing...." "Hee. She said 'doo-doo'"
"Sir, I only just emerged from the bathroom."

On dating/relationships:

"The Crazy could take ten years to come out."
"I would rather be an average-looking person who managed to cadge someone's affections than a hypothetically attractive one who spends each night alone for eternity."
"...It's amazing anyone ever gets together."
"If I stay in bed, I won't meet anyone I can eventually have sex with."
"You think it (love) happens all the time because you see it all around you. But really it's quite rare." *takes a sip of her drink*
"I'm no one's 'one-of-many'; I am always the main event."
"You're like the force that bends the other things around it out of their normal shape."
"It's like in crim - you have to interpret what he says thorugh the eyes of the reasonable, crazy person."
"Some people do things to distract themselves til 'the one' comes along. Some can't settle for anything less."
"Well, what is a 'nice guy'? A 'nice' guy just means they're charming. That's their thing they're good at; charm. It doesn't mean they have any kind of relationship skills."
"No, we can't be friends after he caused me all that trouble; that's like holding onto your Civil Procedure book for leisure reading."

On being hurt:
"It's hard to let go of hope when you let yourself hope so rarely."
"Be gentle with yourself." (Mama tells me this when I call her and I'm sad. 'Just relax today; be gentle with yourself.')
"All rocks cry sometimes; even rocks take a break and hum spirituals."

On getting over it:
"At the time, I thought it all happened because he's not the one. As opposed to he's not the one because of what happened. You know?"
"You have to stand like Jesus! Vulnerable to the world. Even when people stab you."
"...she decided to become
a woman
and even though
he refused to be a man,
she decided it was
all right."


On growing up
"You did a serious 'ugly duckling', Audrey. You should go on Oprah or something." - My brother
"When you're deciding what to do, 'don't just look for what the world needs. Do what makes you come alive - because the world needs people who are alive.'"

On friendship
"*Sigh* I wish she would stop flirting with him, because if his girlfriend notices and tries to fight her we'll have to have her back while we're in public. But when we get home, I'd be like 'what's wrong with you?!?'"
"I hope you're proud of me, Stan." "I am always proud of you."

'Irrational' is not a dirty word

I am artistic. I am one of those people. I can't paint, and I'm not a dancer. But some of my happiest moments are witnessing the creation or performance of those mediums of art. I'm one of those sit-on-the-beach-and-watch-the-sunset-and-then-write-a-poem-about-it kinda people. I love reading beautiful words that capture how some experience made me feel. Music makes me feel like I'm flying, and if I can contribute to its creation with my voice - oh wow, I am a happy girl.

I feel intensely; I sometimes cry thinking about things that didn't even happen to me. Just thinking about a story my mom told me from when she was younger, or something hurtful that happened to a friend can make me very sad. I've watched documentaries and broken down crying in public. *sigh* I really don't like crying in public.... But what can I do? It's who I am. But I can also take a walk some days when even something small has made me happy - sometimes just the fact that I bought myself some especially beautiful lilies - and feel like the sun is shining just for me. I might be thinking of something a friend said recently, or a conversation with mom and laugh out loud in sheer pleasure. Strangers may think I'm crazy. But what can I do? It's who I am. I have pain, and I feel it; I can't pretend and make it go away. I have happiness and I can feel it shooting out of every pore. I have moments of stillness and reflection, too. Yeah it sucks to hurt so deeply when I'm hurt, but it makes the other side of those tears so much sweeter once I've come through it. I embarrass myself sometimes by how I allow myself to be hurt by people and things in my life, but I'm forgiving myself of that. It only makes it harder not to accept who I am. I'm going to be wrong about people sometimes, but I can't blame myself for wanting to believe in someone I liked or cared about. I've learned from those experiences, and all I can do is not allow myself to be treated badly once I am aware - but I can't start to think that I can pre-empt every potential hurt. I can’t; I'm going to get hurt sometimes. I am not happy about this realization, but trying constantly to protect myself from it is exhausting - and ineffective! The important thing is to keep moving forward, and to keep taking a chance on people sometimes. I'm going to feel sad about things - our environment, society, my place in this world - and I'm going to tear up in the grocery store sometimes because that is who I am. It is not rational. I wouldn't want to always be; the most beautiful things in this world are driven by irrational emotions. Loving someone isn't rational. Who in their right mind would let themselves be completely vulnerable to another human being knowing how imperfect we all are? If we reasoned out everything in our minimal capacity as human beings to understand, there would be no room for faith. Faith in other people, faith in God, faith in ourselves. If I wanted to rely on statistics and logic, a black girl raised in a single-parent home in Chicago wouldn't be where I am. But God brought me nonetheless. It wasn't logic that made my mom make a way to take care of my brother and me by herself, finish her graduate degree and still make time to take us to museums and read to us at night. Honestly, I can't find a logical reason for how she was actually able to do that. And furthermore, I can't find the logic in her trying. She tried to do the logically impossible, but make it a possible and definite reality anyway. Trust isn't rational. Not when you've been betrayed and hurt repeatedly. But you can't stop trusting everyone.

I'm going to let myself see a cookie and laugh because of the joke I have with Stan that just popped into my head, and I'll laugh until my cheeks hurt if I feel it. I'm going to let myself sit at my desk and cry for whoever it is that has touched me that night, and I'll even give myself permission to cry just for me. And I'll let myself feel every quiet moment in between where I just watch the snow fall outside my window and feel the warmth of my blanket. Because when I decide I want to live my life to its fullest, I've already accepted that I can't always be rational. And that's just fine by me.

On Instincts

The other morning I woke up to a loud, rhythmic bed-creaking sound coming through the wall from my neighbor's apartment. It was not the first time. Glancing at the clock, I noticed that it was 7 am. My instinct was to yell loudly "I can hear you having sex!" repeatedly and bang on the wall like a crazy person until they stopped. But I quickly realized that would only make me look ridiculous, and make our exchanges by the mailboxes awkward and uncomfortable. Plus it would've really hurt my hand.

Sometimes you can't go with your instincts.

While it was clear to me that I shouldn't make things worse by screaming through my bedroom wall, it's not always so easy to know what's a good instinct and what's not. In the past, I have had a lot of trouble when it came to this and friendships. But now, through a combination of holding back in my friendships at first (yay for building walls!), and actually having a few good people who I can really bare my soul to, I have learned how to let friendships form or pass away depending on how life works out. But romantic relationships are different. I've never had a good one, so it's not like friendship where I can say "This is what a good friendship looks like" and act accordingly. I have no frame of reference. And while I've grown when it comes to being able to trust people as friends, I'm still pretty wary of guys, which makes it even harder to trust my instincts with them. Because with them it comes down to the question of whether it's truly instinct, or just fear.

Every time something has gone wrong with a guy in the past 6 years, I've felt like I saw it coming. I had a dream the night before I discovered my ex cheated on me. I guess God was like, '*Sigh* It's time for you to know. You're not going to find out any other way *shakes head*. So I'm just going to spell it out for you'. Other times were more subtle. It was just a pause in a conversation, or a tone of voice, or an excuse that could have been completely valid that just didn't sit right. Or a pat-hug. HA. (I hate pat-hugs) Friends would tell me I was 'Girling'; stressing too hard about nothing. But then it happened. Herein lies the problem. I kinda have a sense when it's about to go down.

But I wonder…do I really?? I am constantly aware of the potential for disaster when I date a guy these days. Even if nothing is wrong yet. It drives my friends crazy, but what can I say? The last time I wasn't constantly aware was in my college relationship and whoooooa did that teach me a lesson. And my experiences since then have affirmed that you have to be prepared; don’t be surprised at what's coming out of nowhere. I know now that no matter WHAT's happening right now - no matter how cute the email or text is that I just got, or how much we laughed or marveled at *gasp* how much we have in common, or how sincere his eyes seemed when I looked up at him and smiled - tomorrow it could all be different. My friends ask if I have plans for the weekend, and I can't just say 'yeah'; it's 'yea. unless he doesn't call' or 'yea, if we're still dating' or 'yea...if he's still interested' and they think that I am ridiculous. They ask, 'what about you, what about if you're still interested'. I say, I'm steady. I know who I like, who I don't like. And if I don't know, I'm figuring it out pretty fast. And I realize that my desire to take things slow is not so much so I can figure out what I want, as much as it is for me to figure out if the other person is crazy. I expect the Crazy to come out at any moment. And I want to be as far away emotionally as possible when it does. My friends marvel at how I can go around thinking that so much could change in just a day. And on the occasions where a friend has been able to get me to think that maybe I am just stressing unnecessarily and being silly….I give it 48 hours. Tops. Then I have to call them to share the newest let-down news of the un-dateable guy who was merely dressing up and playing the role of someone I could actually like, and they don't know what to say. I mumble ‘…see? …I called it…’ through my disappointment. The sad part is it doesn't make it feel any better to have been right. But adding a caveat to every answer to any question about the guy I'm dating/seeing so that I can't ever say "Yes. I have a lunch date tomorrow. Tomorrow at 1pm, I will be at lunch." ...doesn't sound like instinct. Sounds like fear. But what do you call fear...when it keeps coming true?

Spring Break '07: My Apartment

I cannot believe it's almost April and my 1L year is almost over. I've decided to use this break to try and get a balance of rest and work. I've given myself allllll weekend to do nothing but sit in my apartment and eat, watch movies, take the occaisional walk when it's decent outside etc. No work. It's only been a day and a half (no Friday classes! yay!) and already I feel better. Between that link to the website with all the scrubs episodes from every season, sex and the city and movies on demand, and quickly diminshing reserves of ice cream, I am having a great time. When the weekend is over I might have to make a trip to the gym because right now I reek of sloth, but I deserve a break. I think I will also use this time to write a little, because I don't feel as if I really wrote enough in here during my 1L year and now it's almost over. I'm surprised to feel sadness at writing that line. How long ago was it when I was considering leaving law school for a year and teaching English in some random country?

Currently I am watching Batman Begins and wondering how in the world it is that Christian Bale got so hot. Quickly my mind thinks to the statistical probability of ever encountering a man like that in real life.

Anyway, I feel that I should write something about Parody since it took up so much of my life this past month. It was great. I think I showed my legs more during the run of the show than I have in the last 17 years of my life (I think it was at approximately 7 that I got shame.) The short of it is that I survived. And now random people come up to me around the law school and tell me how incredibly long my legs are. I usually replace 'incredibly' with 'ridiculously' when I think about them, but it's nice that I took a risk and no one mocked me openly lol. I suppose they (the legs) are not so bad.

Ok, enough for now. Christian's doing push-ups.

24

I am now as old as there are hours in a day. What does that mean? I hope 24 means a lot of things. I hope my "24" poem comes true (the one I shared with a few people), and this year I'll have more discernment. (Something one can always have more of) I hope it means a year of finally being able to help my family and of finally having more secure finances. I hope it means really knowing what to be thankful for, and continuing on my journey to be true to myself, to be good to myself, to share my time with loving, positive people. I hope it means letting go of my nonsense, and everyone else's. And knowing how to do these things without becoming cold. But, if I start to, I look forward to many warm hugs from family and friends, and many sweet serenades from my niece to thaw me out:)

It was a great birthday. I felt very loved.

Ain't Gotta Lie to Kick It

In high school, my best friend and I quoted that one all the time.

I re-read a few of my old posts tonight, and I found this passage. Still rings true :)

"....The Player, the Genuinely-Good Guy, and the Good-Confused Guy. The player usually just puts it out there right from the start; I'm not about trying to have a serious relationship, I'm just trying to have a good time, etc. The Genuinely-Good Guy is the one that gets over-looked. Think about the cute, fun, funny and pretty much all around great guy that you know that you just don't want even though you can't articulate why. The Good-Confused Guy, however, is a good guy at heart, but he is - as the name implies - confused. He is unclear about what he wants - a relationship or dating, distance or no distance, you or someone else, etc. This guy is the most dangerous because, since he's a good guy, you feel safe with him; you don't expect a good person to hurt you for no clear reason. Also, this guy, since there's good in him, makes you hold out hope that you wouldn't hold out for a 'player'; he'll get over his confusion, he'll [stop sending mixed signals] etc. The fact of the matter is that you never know what a confused good guy is going to do." Because they don't even know.

The problem is sometimes you don't even know you're dealing w/ a confused one. Especially if you're confused yourself. And sometimes The Player pretends to be Good just to throw you off.

So what's the solution? The Genuinely Good guy? Ha, no. Go for the obvious player. He knows he ain't gotta lie to kick it. You know exactly what to expect ;-)